Cat_Zoe
New Member
- Mar 31, 2025
- 2
Hey everyone, i understand im new here and posting takes a lot with my anxiety, so im sorry if this is done in a wrong way im unaware of.
I just, i'm at an extremely low point in my life again, and ive started to realize i was having a negative effect on my friends and family by constantly weighing on them and i'm so isolated at this point im not sure id have anywhere else to speak my feelings.
some stuff about me, im 26, Female(trans), i enjoy animals, i love and adore my cat, and i generally try my best to be chipper for anyone i come across i guess, but i've been through a lot in my life, i know its nothing unique to me to have trauma, but idk i was hoping to just, put it out there, somewhere, where someone would read, would help i guess. But i'm rspidly reaching a point where i just dont know how much longer i can keep like, treading water in life, and i feel more and more often this year that my best option really may just be to rest.
When i was a child, i was queer, but my religious upbringing forced me into a vat of guilt and shame that lasted until i was 21, maybe with better people around me i couldve grown up as my true self, and avoided so many mistakes ive made in my life, i transitioned about a year ago at 25, and i couldve saved so much of that wasted time i guess
at age 22 when i finally did leave the closet, i was S/A'd by a couple that targeted me for being "bi" at the time. It was so horrible i guess, im not sure how into detail i'm allowed to go, but i remember only the after because of substances spiked in my drink that night. I remember walking home in a daze, barely aware, and covered in just marks and bruises and other things, and getting home to a roomate who beat me, and called me a whore, and did so for the next month or so after. I was so scared, and isolated, and i had no support structure, and i couldnt confide in my then partner either, and it devestated me. All i did was cry in my room alone, harming myself, staying as drunk as possible, and avoiding any people at any cost out of fear. After this period i moved in with my partner, who swiftly ended things because of how broken i was, and when i opened up about what had happened to me, i was accused of cheating. I completely broke down in those days, i attempted twice, i was spiralling into severe addiction to alchohol, i would regularly harm myself, and i had absolutely zero real friends. The only social interaction i got for the next like, two years was sexual in nature, people only relly wanted me as a thing to have for a few hours, and no one ever stayed to help me, i still have severe trust issues from this time in my life, all of the people i just, let have me as a form of self harm, and i have severe memory loss issues from my drinking around then too.
i eventually started to connect the dots i was trans, and finally started to come out of that shell close to the end of this period, and was scared and confused of my own feelings, so i set out to try to network with anyone who could help me. I met someone i thought was that and visited them at a bar. It was a lie, they got me intoxicated, lured me into a hotel space, and then the rest was probably obvious without the details. I still remember the voice telling me "I'm so sorry, but you are just too cute, and ill never get this chance again". After this i regressed and spiralled again until one night i hit a tree in my car, drunk, going 130mph. it was a fucking miracle i survived, was unhurt, and didnt kill anyone. And this brings me a lot of shame even now years later. The debt i accumulated from that still crushes me, and i probably have to file Bankruptcy to like, ever hope at recovery, but i honestly just cant bring myself to hope enough in a future i'll be happy in enough to be worth fighting for it anymore. eventually i met a new person, and we fell in love quite quickly, she helped me grow, and recover, and heal, and i've been sober 100% for the past two years becasue of her. But this year i started transitioning, and she dropped me within a week of me opening up to her again about it, it wasnt a surprise to her, i'd always communicated my feelings to her, i just never was told just how conditional her love for me was. and im scared now i guess, this person was my rock, and now that she broke things off like she did just for me being who i am, i dont know, ive been deteriorating again rapidly, and im not sure i can recover again without her, especially if i get bad again, and it scares me i may just slide back into that old phase of my life. It scares me that i still havent been able to fully recover from the things ive gone through, i still get PTSD from them, i still dissociate for long hours, and i still struggle to maintain steady friendships or be present to people most days now. I feel myself distancing from people around me, and i just cant make myself stop it from happening.
I guess its just a point where, im debating my options, and im not really sure surviving this and carrying all of this pain and guilt is worth it to me anymore, not after years of dealing with it, and working to improve it, and being abandoned despite those efforts. I still try though i guess, and im still sober (wahoo) so its not all awful, but i just dont want to feel scared, and alone anymore, and i dont want to have to remember things anymore, or carry things around with me anymore, and resting sounds so much nicer to me than this cruel, vindictive experience i've been having of life. All i ever did was try to be there for and help people, thats all i've ever tried to do my whole life, its all just an unfair weight that we get put on us. I think i may try again on my up and coming birthday, i think i know how this time, and its about a month away, so i have time to plan ahead, really think it through, and it wont fail or be impulsive like my other attempts.
To anyone that read all of this thank you, sorry about my whining, i know everyone esp on here has their own baggage to carry, but thank you for listening to me about mine
I just, i'm at an extremely low point in my life again, and ive started to realize i was having a negative effect on my friends and family by constantly weighing on them and i'm so isolated at this point im not sure id have anywhere else to speak my feelings.
some stuff about me, im 26, Female(trans), i enjoy animals, i love and adore my cat, and i generally try my best to be chipper for anyone i come across i guess, but i've been through a lot in my life, i know its nothing unique to me to have trauma, but idk i was hoping to just, put it out there, somewhere, where someone would read, would help i guess. But i'm rspidly reaching a point where i just dont know how much longer i can keep like, treading water in life, and i feel more and more often this year that my best option really may just be to rest.
When i was a child, i was queer, but my religious upbringing forced me into a vat of guilt and shame that lasted until i was 21, maybe with better people around me i couldve grown up as my true self, and avoided so many mistakes ive made in my life, i transitioned about a year ago at 25, and i couldve saved so much of that wasted time i guess
at age 22 when i finally did leave the closet, i was S/A'd by a couple that targeted me for being "bi" at the time. It was so horrible i guess, im not sure how into detail i'm allowed to go, but i remember only the after because of substances spiked in my drink that night. I remember walking home in a daze, barely aware, and covered in just marks and bruises and other things, and getting home to a roomate who beat me, and called me a whore, and did so for the next month or so after. I was so scared, and isolated, and i had no support structure, and i couldnt confide in my then partner either, and it devestated me. All i did was cry in my room alone, harming myself, staying as drunk as possible, and avoiding any people at any cost out of fear. After this period i moved in with my partner, who swiftly ended things because of how broken i was, and when i opened up about what had happened to me, i was accused of cheating. I completely broke down in those days, i attempted twice, i was spiralling into severe addiction to alchohol, i would regularly harm myself, and i had absolutely zero real friends. The only social interaction i got for the next like, two years was sexual in nature, people only relly wanted me as a thing to have for a few hours, and no one ever stayed to help me, i still have severe trust issues from this time in my life, all of the people i just, let have me as a form of self harm, and i have severe memory loss issues from my drinking around then too.
i eventually started to connect the dots i was trans, and finally started to come out of that shell close to the end of this period, and was scared and confused of my own feelings, so i set out to try to network with anyone who could help me. I met someone i thought was that and visited them at a bar. It was a lie, they got me intoxicated, lured me into a hotel space, and then the rest was probably obvious without the details. I still remember the voice telling me "I'm so sorry, but you are just too cute, and ill never get this chance again". After this i regressed and spiralled again until one night i hit a tree in my car, drunk, going 130mph. it was a fucking miracle i survived, was unhurt, and didnt kill anyone. And this brings me a lot of shame even now years later. The debt i accumulated from that still crushes me, and i probably have to file Bankruptcy to like, ever hope at recovery, but i honestly just cant bring myself to hope enough in a future i'll be happy in enough to be worth fighting for it anymore. eventually i met a new person, and we fell in love quite quickly, she helped me grow, and recover, and heal, and i've been sober 100% for the past two years becasue of her. But this year i started transitioning, and she dropped me within a week of me opening up to her again about it, it wasnt a surprise to her, i'd always communicated my feelings to her, i just never was told just how conditional her love for me was. and im scared now i guess, this person was my rock, and now that she broke things off like she did just for me being who i am, i dont know, ive been deteriorating again rapidly, and im not sure i can recover again without her, especially if i get bad again, and it scares me i may just slide back into that old phase of my life. It scares me that i still havent been able to fully recover from the things ive gone through, i still get PTSD from them, i still dissociate for long hours, and i still struggle to maintain steady friendships or be present to people most days now. I feel myself distancing from people around me, and i just cant make myself stop it from happening.
I guess its just a point where, im debating my options, and im not really sure surviving this and carrying all of this pain and guilt is worth it to me anymore, not after years of dealing with it, and working to improve it, and being abandoned despite those efforts. I still try though i guess, and im still sober (wahoo) so its not all awful, but i just dont want to feel scared, and alone anymore, and i dont want to have to remember things anymore, or carry things around with me anymore, and resting sounds so much nicer to me than this cruel, vindictive experience i've been having of life. All i ever did was try to be there for and help people, thats all i've ever tried to do my whole life, its all just an unfair weight that we get put on us. I think i may try again on my up and coming birthday, i think i know how this time, and its about a month away, so i have time to plan ahead, really think it through, and it wont fail or be impulsive like my other attempts.
To anyone that read all of this thank you, sorry about my whining, i know everyone esp on here has their own baggage to carry, but thank you for listening to me about mine
