archerfish
Member
- Feb 9, 2024
- 11
I've been struggling depression since I was in middle school, I'm now 27. I started medication around 2012, it's changed so many times, even did a genetics test on which would be most effective. It's not helping. It does help for a little while, and then it's as if the chemicals in brain overpower the chemicals from the pills. I now take 5 pills a day. My brother basically called me a pill popper the other day, and I never realized how much that would hurt until it happened.
I cry all the damn time for no reason whatsoever. I may lose my job soon because of it. Attacks of some kind, idk, anxiety or panic, I can never tell the difference happen more frequently now. A little over a year ago I thought I was at my lowest. Autumn of 2022, I voluntarily went to a psychiatric treatment center for help, stayed there for 14 days. Then did 10 days of intensive group therapy, 8 hours a day. It was expensive as hell, and after insurance, I was in debt for almost $3,000. Which everyone kept saying "oh that's nothing", but when you work 32 hours a week at minimum wage, that's a shit ton of money. Family kept asking if I felt like it all helped. I said what they wanted to hear, and what I wanted to believe, that it did. It kinda did at least, for a little while. I'd wake up at 6am every morning, make my bed, make a healthy breakfast, eat meals at the exact same times, go to bed early same time every night. Basically followed the schedule from the treatment center.
I don't remember when it stopped and the depression crept back. Couldn't even make it a year without SH. In middle school and high school, I would do it on my arm, cause I thought that was how it was done. As an adult, only did it on my thigh because it's easier to hide. These last few months, I haven't cared enough to hide it and went back to my wrist. Simply because it's easier access for when I'm at work. No one has noticed yet, or they haven't said anything.
I am taking measures to recover, but I still want to have that safety net of having a choice to CTB. I FINALLY found a therapist. I was told to use that site, psychology today, but every time I messaged someone marked as "accepting new patients", they'd respond that they aren't accepting new patients. My second session is on Tuesday so we'll see how it goes. Maybe it'll help. Maybe it won't. I don't know.
I'm just so damn tired of living and feeling like this. That I won't amount to anything. I've worked for the worst retailer for 7 years and can't seem to find work out of it nor have the courage to.
I just want to stop crying. Thank you to anyone who read my rant ;w; <3 I don't really have friends to talk about this stuff with. One offers, but he's friends with my brother so I fear he'll tell him about the SH and stuff. So forums like this really help with getting my emotions out, even if no one sees it.
My cat was head butting my face the entire time I was typing this. She's the only reason I've lasted this long.
The picture is from a few months ago, hopefully she makes someone smile.
I cry all the damn time for no reason whatsoever. I may lose my job soon because of it. Attacks of some kind, idk, anxiety or panic, I can never tell the difference happen more frequently now. A little over a year ago I thought I was at my lowest. Autumn of 2022, I voluntarily went to a psychiatric treatment center for help, stayed there for 14 days. Then did 10 days of intensive group therapy, 8 hours a day. It was expensive as hell, and after insurance, I was in debt for almost $3,000. Which everyone kept saying "oh that's nothing", but when you work 32 hours a week at minimum wage, that's a shit ton of money. Family kept asking if I felt like it all helped. I said what they wanted to hear, and what I wanted to believe, that it did. It kinda did at least, for a little while. I'd wake up at 6am every morning, make my bed, make a healthy breakfast, eat meals at the exact same times, go to bed early same time every night. Basically followed the schedule from the treatment center.
I don't remember when it stopped and the depression crept back. Couldn't even make it a year without SH. In middle school and high school, I would do it on my arm, cause I thought that was how it was done. As an adult, only did it on my thigh because it's easier to hide. These last few months, I haven't cared enough to hide it and went back to my wrist. Simply because it's easier access for when I'm at work. No one has noticed yet, or they haven't said anything.
I am taking measures to recover, but I still want to have that safety net of having a choice to CTB. I FINALLY found a therapist. I was told to use that site, psychology today, but every time I messaged someone marked as "accepting new patients", they'd respond that they aren't accepting new patients. My second session is on Tuesday so we'll see how it goes. Maybe it'll help. Maybe it won't. I don't know.
I'm just so damn tired of living and feeling like this. That I won't amount to anything. I've worked for the worst retailer for 7 years and can't seem to find work out of it nor have the courage to.
I just want to stop crying. Thank you to anyone who read my rant ;w; <3 I don't really have friends to talk about this stuff with. One offers, but he's friends with my brother so I fear he'll tell him about the SH and stuff. So forums like this really help with getting my emotions out, even if no one sees it.
My cat was head butting my face the entire time I was typing this. She's the only reason I've lasted this long.
The picture is from a few months ago, hopefully she makes someone smile.
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