Jakethepug
I came here to chew bubble gum and catch the bus.
- Oct 22, 2018
- 11
Disclaimer:
I think I'm some sort of psychopath. I usually don't feel the urge to hurt anyone else and I don't want to hurt myself in any way less than catching the bus. Most emotions I never consciously experience. Most of my existence to this day has been monotone and relatively dull. I feel stress and... fatigue. But almost nothing brings me joy or sadness or even anger. I don't love or hate. I'm never mad unless you physically stop me from doing something I want to do, which is almost never. I haven't cried since middle school and I desperately want to. I want to "let it all out," but there's nothing there. I'm an atheist because I don't feel any inner light or soul. I feel my ribs and my lungs. There isn't anything beyond that, to the best of my observations. My parents always thought I was autistic. I've been tested by several different doctors for various disorders and I've never been diagnosed with anything other than severe depression.
I know no one is perfect and that we're all just animals with written language, inventing and bettering or worsening our lives since the dawn of time. I know most people are ignorant and everyone thinks they're the "good guy," or "protagonist."
I have a history of thinking about catching the bus and I attempted catching the bus three times, all in cars in garages throughout high school and college. Pills always scared me because I know there's often a chance of becoming a vegetable or other unintended consequences. I've been heavily medicated from 6th grade through 12th but stopped taking everything altogether after an episode in college. I stopped taking antidepressants and an antianxiety med, then moved two states away from my parents and everything I've ever known.
I've been living on my own in the capital of another state for almost 4 years. Things have been better than ever. Last April, seemingly out of nowhere I tried cutting deep, but it fizzled. Not deep enough. That's the last time I'll try anything like that and by the end of the bath I knew I had to go to work the next morning and wow, now it's almost Halloween.
Things have been decent since the incident in April, but last Friday, again seemingly from nowhere I'm daily thinking of methods and reasons why I hate my existence. Friday, I felt convinced that I must, to end my suffering. Saturday and Sunday I was beginning to feel a little better but by Sunday night I felt it again. I've done a fair amount of research and I've found my method. Caffeine pills. I've read that several people, ages 16-70 have died swallowing and purposefully overdosing on Caffeine, between 20 grams and 40 grams. I bought 40 grams this morning and now I'm home alone. I'm an avid gamer, and my first instinct after getting home is to either launch a game or get high, maybe both. But after launching, I remembered I signed up for this forum and here I am, whispering my story to the wind. I don't expect replies, but I have been looking for a place like this. I'm fairly confident in my ability to swallow 200 Caffeine pills, but it would've been nice to buy a gun. I live a Republican state. I could walk into Cabela's tomorrow morning and buy the cheapest rifle, but if I chicken out, pills are much easier to explain and they're cheaper.
While I'm at it, I also haven't even begun a note or anything. I need to, mostly because I have a $1200 computer and various gaming accounts that I want my cousin to inherit, if willing. There are loads of passwords I need to type up, and I'll most likely leave it all in an all-public Google Doc that I'll physically write down the link to on pieces of paper all over my apartment. I will also say that I feel little to no remorse or guilt when thinking about those who care about me. Death is a very natural thing and it'll happen to all of us eventually, regardless of when. Nothing can stop death. Also also lol all the things I've ever had on my bucket list, I've already done and none of them brought me the joy I thought they would. I've vacationed to Mexico, lived with a native family in France and spoke nothing but French while there. I have a tattoo and I've had sex with at least ten people. I've never crashed a car but I've gone over 120 mph. I've never been caught committing any crimes other than getting speeding tickets as a minor. I've seen hundreds of great films and played hundreds of epic games and read thousands of stories. I don't think there's much left to do other than foster children or permanently move to another country, but regrettably I've maxed out my credit card and I'm poor. Student loans from college... Health and Car insurance plus Spotify and Netflix and phone bills and internet and I hate my job. I'm stuck. I grow to hate everyone I enter a romantic relationship with. I think I'm an asshole sometimes.
Comments/Questions?
I think I'm some sort of psychopath. I usually don't feel the urge to hurt anyone else and I don't want to hurt myself in any way less than catching the bus. Most emotions I never consciously experience. Most of my existence to this day has been monotone and relatively dull. I feel stress and... fatigue. But almost nothing brings me joy or sadness or even anger. I don't love or hate. I'm never mad unless you physically stop me from doing something I want to do, which is almost never. I haven't cried since middle school and I desperately want to. I want to "let it all out," but there's nothing there. I'm an atheist because I don't feel any inner light or soul. I feel my ribs and my lungs. There isn't anything beyond that, to the best of my observations. My parents always thought I was autistic. I've been tested by several different doctors for various disorders and I've never been diagnosed with anything other than severe depression.
I know no one is perfect and that we're all just animals with written language, inventing and bettering or worsening our lives since the dawn of time. I know most people are ignorant and everyone thinks they're the "good guy," or "protagonist."
I have a history of thinking about catching the bus and I attempted catching the bus three times, all in cars in garages throughout high school and college. Pills always scared me because I know there's often a chance of becoming a vegetable or other unintended consequences. I've been heavily medicated from 6th grade through 12th but stopped taking everything altogether after an episode in college. I stopped taking antidepressants and an antianxiety med, then moved two states away from my parents and everything I've ever known.
I've been living on my own in the capital of another state for almost 4 years. Things have been better than ever. Last April, seemingly out of nowhere I tried cutting deep, but it fizzled. Not deep enough. That's the last time I'll try anything like that and by the end of the bath I knew I had to go to work the next morning and wow, now it's almost Halloween.
Things have been decent since the incident in April, but last Friday, again seemingly from nowhere I'm daily thinking of methods and reasons why I hate my existence. Friday, I felt convinced that I must, to end my suffering. Saturday and Sunday I was beginning to feel a little better but by Sunday night I felt it again. I've done a fair amount of research and I've found my method. Caffeine pills. I've read that several people, ages 16-70 have died swallowing and purposefully overdosing on Caffeine, between 20 grams and 40 grams. I bought 40 grams this morning and now I'm home alone. I'm an avid gamer, and my first instinct after getting home is to either launch a game or get high, maybe both. But after launching, I remembered I signed up for this forum and here I am, whispering my story to the wind. I don't expect replies, but I have been looking for a place like this. I'm fairly confident in my ability to swallow 200 Caffeine pills, but it would've been nice to buy a gun. I live a Republican state. I could walk into Cabela's tomorrow morning and buy the cheapest rifle, but if I chicken out, pills are much easier to explain and they're cheaper.
While I'm at it, I also haven't even begun a note or anything. I need to, mostly because I have a $1200 computer and various gaming accounts that I want my cousin to inherit, if willing. There are loads of passwords I need to type up, and I'll most likely leave it all in an all-public Google Doc that I'll physically write down the link to on pieces of paper all over my apartment. I will also say that I feel little to no remorse or guilt when thinking about those who care about me. Death is a very natural thing and it'll happen to all of us eventually, regardless of when. Nothing can stop death. Also also lol all the things I've ever had on my bucket list, I've already done and none of them brought me the joy I thought they would. I've vacationed to Mexico, lived with a native family in France and spoke nothing but French while there. I have a tattoo and I've had sex with at least ten people. I've never crashed a car but I've gone over 120 mph. I've never been caught committing any crimes other than getting speeding tickets as a minor. I've seen hundreds of great films and played hundreds of epic games and read thousands of stories. I don't think there's much left to do other than foster children or permanently move to another country, but regrettably I've maxed out my credit card and I'm poor. Student loans from college... Health and Car insurance plus Spotify and Netflix and phone bills and internet and I hate my job. I'm stuck. I grow to hate everyone I enter a romantic relationship with. I think I'm an asshole sometimes.
Comments/Questions?
