scarlet-pixie
1/12/2024
- Apr 30, 2024
- 22
Tomorrow it'll be about a month since I ran away from home, and I don't really know what to do or feel or what I even really want anymore.
Two years back my mother was engaged in this really toxic relationship with her boyfriend (an alcoholic narcissist who stole from us and threw bricks at our house). They would constantly fight, break up, whatever, it didn't seem to matter what awful shit happened, nothing ever changed in the four years they were together. After a particularly bad breakup where the police got involved we ended up staying at a friends place for ten days before we headed back to our own house, and within a day she was already asking me to let him come back, and things went to absolute shit because I wouldn't keep saying "Yes". About a month into that situation, I ended up running away and crashed at a friend's place for two days. My mother apologised afterwards and as I didn't have anywhere else to go I went back home. The abuse never stopped, it didn't even take a month for it all to start again.
I had a falling out with my friend group only a couple of months afterwards, they were the only source of love and support I had at that time and after everything that had already happened with mum I think I just went completely dead inside. I've completely flopped with my education and for pretty much the whole of 2023 I just shut myself off from everything and everyone. I eventually started trying to reach out again back in November after I finally starting coming to terms with what had happened to me, I ended up reconnecting with some old friends and I made some new ones as well. One of my older friends had been couch-surfing after escaping from their own abusive situation, and I ended up housing them till last month when my mother amongst a heap of other shit, threatened to hospitalise me. We ended up leaving together and have been living with eachother up until yesterday.
I kind of thought that maybe once I had gotten away from my mum I might finally be able to have a good life, but it's been a month since then and life isn't any better. I desperately wanted to be able to finish my studies this year but that isn't happening, I doubt I'll be able to get into university before 2026 and i'm already turning 20 in a couple of days. I've been transitioning longer than anyone I know and yet I still barely feel comfortable with myself, I feel like a knock-off of what a girl should be. All of my previous friendships have fallen apart, and my current ones aren't faring any better. I'm currently sleeping in a hotel room right now because my best friend (the one that i've been living with these past few months) fucking lied to me. They said they were just going for a walk, and didn't come home till it was 11 pm. I was worried sick, and even though they were online many times when I was trying to contact them they never responded to anything. They haven't said a word to me since they initally went out, and after all the awful things that have happened over both this last month and this week in particular I just can't deal with everything anymore.
I don't know if this situation will get resolved at all, from the last times this has happened I'm not very optimistic, and I don't know if I'll have anywhere left to go if it doesn't. I went back to my mother's with my support worker yesterday to pick up my medicine scripts and I quickly went back into the house to get some game cartridges I had forgotten and her fucking ex-boyfriend was there skulking in the hallway. I had hoped that even with all the awful shit she does to me that I might've been able to go back there in a worst case scenario, but now thats not even an option with him back there anymore.
I don't know if I've wanted to CTB more in my entire life. I don't understand what the point of trying to connect with others is anymore when everyone i've ever trusted and cared about has just hurt or abused me in some way. I kept hoping that maybe if I just pushed through all the pain that maybe one day things would be better but it feels like i'm just stuck reliving the same pain and traumas over and over again. I don't know if I want to be alive to see 2025 or even the end of this month, i'm just so tired of living.
Two years back my mother was engaged in this really toxic relationship with her boyfriend (an alcoholic narcissist who stole from us and threw bricks at our house). They would constantly fight, break up, whatever, it didn't seem to matter what awful shit happened, nothing ever changed in the four years they were together. After a particularly bad breakup where the police got involved we ended up staying at a friends place for ten days before we headed back to our own house, and within a day she was already asking me to let him come back, and things went to absolute shit because I wouldn't keep saying "Yes". About a month into that situation, I ended up running away and crashed at a friend's place for two days. My mother apologised afterwards and as I didn't have anywhere else to go I went back home. The abuse never stopped, it didn't even take a month for it all to start again.
I had a falling out with my friend group only a couple of months afterwards, they were the only source of love and support I had at that time and after everything that had already happened with mum I think I just went completely dead inside. I've completely flopped with my education and for pretty much the whole of 2023 I just shut myself off from everything and everyone. I eventually started trying to reach out again back in November after I finally starting coming to terms with what had happened to me, I ended up reconnecting with some old friends and I made some new ones as well. One of my older friends had been couch-surfing after escaping from their own abusive situation, and I ended up housing them till last month when my mother amongst a heap of other shit, threatened to hospitalise me. We ended up leaving together and have been living with eachother up until yesterday.
I kind of thought that maybe once I had gotten away from my mum I might finally be able to have a good life, but it's been a month since then and life isn't any better. I desperately wanted to be able to finish my studies this year but that isn't happening, I doubt I'll be able to get into university before 2026 and i'm already turning 20 in a couple of days. I've been transitioning longer than anyone I know and yet I still barely feel comfortable with myself, I feel like a knock-off of what a girl should be. All of my previous friendships have fallen apart, and my current ones aren't faring any better. I'm currently sleeping in a hotel room right now because my best friend (the one that i've been living with these past few months) fucking lied to me. They said they were just going for a walk, and didn't come home till it was 11 pm. I was worried sick, and even though they were online many times when I was trying to contact them they never responded to anything. They haven't said a word to me since they initally went out, and after all the awful things that have happened over both this last month and this week in particular I just can't deal with everything anymore.
I don't know if this situation will get resolved at all, from the last times this has happened I'm not very optimistic, and I don't know if I'll have anywhere left to go if it doesn't. I went back to my mother's with my support worker yesterday to pick up my medicine scripts and I quickly went back into the house to get some game cartridges I had forgotten and her fucking ex-boyfriend was there skulking in the hallway. I had hoped that even with all the awful shit she does to me that I might've been able to go back there in a worst case scenario, but now thats not even an option with him back there anymore.
I don't know if I've wanted to CTB more in my entire life. I don't understand what the point of trying to connect with others is anymore when everyone i've ever trusted and cared about has just hurt or abused me in some way. I kept hoping that maybe if I just pushed through all the pain that maybe one day things would be better but it feels like i'm just stuck reliving the same pain and traumas over and over again. I don't know if I want to be alive to see 2025 or even the end of this month, i'm just so tired of living.
