I'm in love but I still feel horrible

[wiltingorchid]

Since I confessed to my bsf and crush that I am in love with him so much has changed. In positive ways. He talks about suprising me with a mindblowing gift on my birthday, talks about the things he wants to do with me together, and other stuff too. I love him, I really do, but besides that, I feel horrible. I've been having hallucinations almost 24/7, and i get horribly depressed whenever I'm without him.

And yesterday, when I told him that I bought hallucinogenes, he became extremely irritated because he was already worried enough about me. And he kinda "scared" of drugs, he would never take them. He told me that I shouldn't do drugs, that I have to talk to him whenever I am feeling bad. The thing is, that that would mean that I had to text him all the time. It would only make him more worried, and he already has enough problems to deal with.
He makes me feel good. But I don't think that I deserve him. He has problems with love, he is scared of love, and I know that I someday will ruin at leat one thing in his life, because I always do. I only make things worse.

 

[darkwater]

And yesterday, when I told him that I bought hallucinogenes, he became extremely irritated

Welcome to the club I think psychically sane people can not understand us. Hallucinations can be hell. LSD has shown me another perspective, but it is too exhausting. I want to smoke DMT and if someone wants to stop me they can fuck off.

 

[Ultracheese]

For a second, I thought this post was written by me. We are dealing with a similar situation at the moment. I relate to so many of the feelings you describe. I feel like I'm nothing without my partner and yearn to be with him all the time, which is hard because he lives several states away. I feel like my pain, both physical and mental, gets worse without him, and my hallucinations get worse too.

The fear of self-sabotage is always eminent in my mind, as I imagine it is in yours. I don't feel I deserve him either. But he's here, somehow, and I love him because of his honesty. So I have to trust that when he says that he's there for me and that I'm not a burden, that he means it. It can be hard, but it's all I can do sometimes. I hope you two will eventually be able to feel more comfortable opening up to each other and not being scared of love.

 

[Mortalist]

Since I confessed to my bsf and crush that I am in love with him so much has changed. In positive ways. He talks about suprising me with a mindblowing gift on my birthday, talks about the things he wants to do with me together, and other stuff too. I love him, I really do, but besides that, I feel horrible. I've been having hallucinations almost 24/7, and i get horribly depressed whenever I'm without him.

And yesterday, when I told him that I bought hallucinogenes, he became extremely irritated because he was already worried enough about me. And he kinda "scared" of drugs, he would never take them. He told me that I shouldn't do drugs, that I have to talk to him whenever I am feeling bad. The thing is, that that would mean that I had to text him all the time. It would only make him more worried, and he already has enough problems to deal with.
He makes me feel good. But I don't think that I deserve him. He has problems with love, he is scared of love, and I know that I someday will ruin at leat one thing in his life, because I always do. I only make things worse.

It's aparent from what you written that he cares about you, so of course he will be concerned. Generally speaking, everyone gets unease in situations that make them feel unconfortable, especialy those they don't understand. Have you talked to him about why you got hallucinogenes?
In regards to that, I think he overexaggerated with "whenever". Instead he invites you to open up and talk to him If you feel bad, and that he will listen.
But I understand where you're comming from. You love him and don't want to hurt him or burden him with your problems. But he is willing to be there for you. And I asume you would do the same for him. That's what relationships are (and what friendships should be to, for that matter). Beeing there for one another, even if it gets dificult. It can be scary, and that's ok.
It's unbelievable when a person comes across our way and challenges our view of the world. But the beauty of thinking we don't deserve something, is, that once in a while someone will find his way and say "You are wrong".

I once was in a relationship, and I faced similar issues. My intention was it to write advice that, hopefully, might help you.
I have Autism, however, so this entire topic isn't exactly my strongsuit. Because of my own experience, I felt I should try.
So I apologize If missed something or wrote anything that might have upset you.

 

[wiltingorchid]

It's aparent from what you written that he cares about you, so of course he will be concerned. Generally speaking, everyone gets unease in situations that make them feel unconfortable, especialy those they don't understand. Have you talked to him about why you got hallucinogenes?
In regards to that, I think he overexaggerated with "whenever". Instead he invites you to open up and talk to him If you feel bad, and that he will listen.
But I understand where you're comming from. You love him and don't want to hurt him or burden him with your problems. But he is willing to be there for you. And I asume you would do the same for him. That's what relationships are (and what friendships should be to, for that matter). Beeing there for one another, even if it gets dificult. It can be scary, and that's ok.
It's unbelievable when a person comes across our way and challenges our view of the world. But the beauty of thinking we don't deserve something, is, that once in a while someone will find his way and say "You are wrong".

I once was in a relationship, and I faced similar issues. My intention was it to write advice that, hopefully, might help you.
I have Autism, however, so this entire topic isn't exactly my strongsuit. Because of my own experience, I felt I should try.
So I apologize If missed something or wrote anything that might have upset you.

Hi! I tried explaining to him why i got hallucinogens, i told him that I often feel bad and that I thought that hallucinations would give me a little distraction from the bad feeling. This is when he told me that i can write him whenever I want to.
The actual reason for why i purchased and intended to take the hallucinogens is a little bit more extreme. I feel either empty inside or i am in pain. All the time. And since hallucinogens produce mostly visual hallucinations i thought that by that I could escape the acoustic hallucinations I already have. Besides that, I also just wanted to have a good time and experience something new .

Also, your advice really helped! :)

 

[Aisley]

Mushrooms, I hope. Almost any other thing out there, and in your emotional state, you're almost guaranteed to have a bad trip. But shrooms are a giggly good time usually.
I was there many years ago, obsessed with someone, and got him finally, after a couple of years of being too scared to move or think. Got him. I still got him, and it's been years. But. For the first year of having him, I would cry, randomely, constantly terrified he would see all my faults, or just run into someone who suited him better, or whatever. I'm sure you know the list, or have your own. I would ball on the bus, in the shower, in the middle of work. It was shameful, and unstoppable. And it took a few years to go away. Thank fuck I managed to hide most of this ... mania? from him, I guess. One day at a time is all I can say.