miserabledeath
Member
- Jul 31, 2026
- 6
everything feels like noise, I always assume the worst. I finally got back with my ex and I'm so grateful he's back but I still have the worst impulses.
When he messaged me the first time I thought it was a sign since I was shaking horrifically trying not to relapse. I didnt have any urges that night after a long time. Only to wake up the next morning and its all I think about. Well, that and him.
He's important to me and life has been great after we started talking again but ever since Ive gone that deep (over a year ago) I still get the worst impulses too especially since I still have my razors. The only thing keeping me from not relapsing again when we werent talking was the risk of getting caught again and kicked out.
The issue is I'm starting to think its not worth having a roof over my head. It was good timing he messaged me because now I have another reason to not relapse. Yet, still even though its going so well I want to do it again. I dont even know what makes me feel like I have to do it. Its painful, it leaves scars, the adrenaline rush is over so quickly. Yet still I want it.
I want to be better but I don't. I mean, the idea of it is great but I just won't do it. I wont put in the work because I'm a lazy fuck.
I fear its only a matter of time before he leaves me, I don't even have personality or looks so I just end up bringing nothing to the table, even my voice is unattractive. After I graduate I'll just end up staying in the house all day I don't want to do anything after highschool besides maybe end up in a ditch
When he messaged me the first time I thought it was a sign since I was shaking horrifically trying not to relapse. I didnt have any urges that night after a long time. Only to wake up the next morning and its all I think about. Well, that and him.
He's important to me and life has been great after we started talking again but ever since Ive gone that deep (over a year ago) I still get the worst impulses too especially since I still have my razors. The only thing keeping me from not relapsing again when we werent talking was the risk of getting caught again and kicked out.
The issue is I'm starting to think its not worth having a roof over my head. It was good timing he messaged me because now I have another reason to not relapse. Yet, still even though its going so well I want to do it again. I dont even know what makes me feel like I have to do it. Its painful, it leaves scars, the adrenaline rush is over so quickly. Yet still I want it.
I want to be better but I don't. I mean, the idea of it is great but I just won't do it. I wont put in the work because I'm a lazy fuck.
I fear its only a matter of time before he leaves me, I don't even have personality or looks so I just end up bringing nothing to the table, even my voice is unattractive. After I graduate I'll just end up staying in the house all day I don't want to do anything after highschool besides maybe end up in a ditch
