yeaimhere13
why me?
- Sep 14, 2023
- 41
im sorry for the mess of a post this is. i wrote this balling my eyes out and didnt even think about what i was typing. just word vomit everywhere so yea sorry in advance lol
my mom is 59, turning 60 in a few months. dad is 65, 66 soon as well. im younger than you would expect someone with parents those ages would be. they had me when they were older which when i was a kid REALLY sucked, but for the wrong reasons. my mom always looked so much older than the other moms. she was a smoker so early-onset wrinkles made a then 45 year old look 60. i was a little embarrassed to say the least. i felt like my parents were out of touch with the present day and i pitied them. my entire ive treated them bad. i stole 10k that was meant for my college fund, let my dad waste 5k on SAT tutoring for me to not even put in the effort. never helped out with cooking or cleaning unless i was forced to. lied constantly from an early age (my brother and i were sent to a behavioral camp and i got admitted to a psychiatric institute twice). whenever my mom asks for technology help i get annoyed if she doesnt understand the first time i tell her (again, huge generation difference). ive gotten into arguments with my dad over money just for him to give me more, basically just manipulated him so many times. so much bad shit ive done to them over the years and i never felt the true weight of my actions. my mom was a narcissistic alcoholic for many years and my dad an asshole, but i never gave him the benefit of the doubt that maybe he was an asshole because of my mom. or because my brother and i gave him such a hard time. my relationship with them is good at the moment, and never was really HORRIBLE. i think a big reason my brother and i became dickheads was cus they used to yell and argue A LOT when we were kids. i wasnt spoiled growing up but i knew what i wanted because i didnt have it. anger issues reflected from my parents onto me and i guess just being born a selfish person made me not give a fuck about their feelings. ofc there were times id feel guilty and apologize or actually choose to do the right thing, but for the most part i didnt do that. my mom has taken care of me my entire life, or at least tried in partnership with alcohol. when i was a kid she would pick me up from school drunk and even once another parent noticed and offered to drive us home. it was very on and off for over a decade but i hope u can understand why i resented her. still she would make sure dinner was made, the house was clean, our homework was done, etc. even now her and my dad still cook me dinner almost every night or get takeout and im a grown woman. they ask if i want to make dinner for them (always in a joking manner, but i know their true wishes) and im just like, "no i dont like cooking" and then i go back into my room. i do always thank them for the food they make and eat my entire plate but still, that doesnt make up for anything. when my mom is sober she is genuinely a lovely person. shes lost so much weight in the last few months and im very proud of her. overall theyve been very nice to me since i live at home again and ive just been a miserable piece of shit continuing the childish behavior ive always had. im a grown woman i should be cooking them dinner and cleaning the house every so often. i mean fuck they have a fucking maid. and the work they do gets done in an hour or two. so easy and i just lay in bed sleeping away when my parents could be saving money and i could be helping them. i dont know man i just keeping thinking about the fact that one day they will die and i will be left with so much guilt over how badly ive treated them after they were there for me my entire life supporting me when theres kids who didnt even grow up with real parents. i dont want them to die but i know it is inveitable and the time in rapidly approaching. i just want to kill myself when the last one passes as i dont think ill be able to handle the guilt. im weak and pathetic and no this is not a pity party im just stating how i see myself. ive been crying for an hour now thinking about them dead and gone. thinking about how the only good memories i have where i was happy and truly loved them was my childhood. when i look at them i still see that little girl that died. and one day i wont be able to look at them at all.
my mom is 59, turning 60 in a few months. dad is 65, 66 soon as well. im younger than you would expect someone with parents those ages would be. they had me when they were older which when i was a kid REALLY sucked, but for the wrong reasons. my mom always looked so much older than the other moms. she was a smoker so early-onset wrinkles made a then 45 year old look 60. i was a little embarrassed to say the least. i felt like my parents were out of touch with the present day and i pitied them. my entire ive treated them bad. i stole 10k that was meant for my college fund, let my dad waste 5k on SAT tutoring for me to not even put in the effort. never helped out with cooking or cleaning unless i was forced to. lied constantly from an early age (my brother and i were sent to a behavioral camp and i got admitted to a psychiatric institute twice). whenever my mom asks for technology help i get annoyed if she doesnt understand the first time i tell her (again, huge generation difference). ive gotten into arguments with my dad over money just for him to give me more, basically just manipulated him so many times. so much bad shit ive done to them over the years and i never felt the true weight of my actions. my mom was a narcissistic alcoholic for many years and my dad an asshole, but i never gave him the benefit of the doubt that maybe he was an asshole because of my mom. or because my brother and i gave him such a hard time. my relationship with them is good at the moment, and never was really HORRIBLE. i think a big reason my brother and i became dickheads was cus they used to yell and argue A LOT when we were kids. i wasnt spoiled growing up but i knew what i wanted because i didnt have it. anger issues reflected from my parents onto me and i guess just being born a selfish person made me not give a fuck about their feelings. ofc there were times id feel guilty and apologize or actually choose to do the right thing, but for the most part i didnt do that. my mom has taken care of me my entire life, or at least tried in partnership with alcohol. when i was a kid she would pick me up from school drunk and even once another parent noticed and offered to drive us home. it was very on and off for over a decade but i hope u can understand why i resented her. still she would make sure dinner was made, the house was clean, our homework was done, etc. even now her and my dad still cook me dinner almost every night or get takeout and im a grown woman. they ask if i want to make dinner for them (always in a joking manner, but i know their true wishes) and im just like, "no i dont like cooking" and then i go back into my room. i do always thank them for the food they make and eat my entire plate but still, that doesnt make up for anything. when my mom is sober she is genuinely a lovely person. shes lost so much weight in the last few months and im very proud of her. overall theyve been very nice to me since i live at home again and ive just been a miserable piece of shit continuing the childish behavior ive always had. im a grown woman i should be cooking them dinner and cleaning the house every so often. i mean fuck they have a fucking maid. and the work they do gets done in an hour or two. so easy and i just lay in bed sleeping away when my parents could be saving money and i could be helping them. i dont know man i just keeping thinking about the fact that one day they will die and i will be left with so much guilt over how badly ive treated them after they were there for me my entire life supporting me when theres kids who didnt even grow up with real parents. i dont want them to die but i know it is inveitable and the time in rapidly approaching. i just want to kill myself when the last one passes as i dont think ill be able to handle the guilt. im weak and pathetic and no this is not a pity party im just stating how i see myself. ive been crying for an hour now thinking about them dead and gone. thinking about how the only good memories i have where i was happy and truly loved them was my childhood. when i look at them i still see that little girl that died. and one day i wont be able to look at them at all.
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