fatty44
Member
- Aug 2, 2023
- 44
My depression and suicidal thoughts became so bad that I was not able to start my new job.
Instead I admitted myself to a mental hospital, hoping to get better and to work with social workers on my benefits for my financial situation.
My cognitive decline and focus on just wanting to die seems irreparable and I fear keeping myself alive will either be a ruining burden on my family or I will end up in debt because I'm not able to support myself anymore, or even ask for help properly.
It's all a mess. I wanted to die last year already, I was not able to hang myself so I tried to fix my life by stepping down from the leadership position I had back then on my job. Everything seemed fine for a while. Until I had my first psychotic episode, which ruined my life. Job and reputation lost, living with my parents again.
I've got my hands on some SN, I'm allowed to go home over the weekend and then I will go for it in the late evening. I don't have any other meds it seems like no one can help me to the degree that I need help with. My will to live is dead and the only way I can imagine living is by staying in bed but that's not possible. No one that will go through my documents with me or help me apply for benefits. There seems like there's no place for people with mental illness in society, not even in Germany.
It has to work.
Instead I admitted myself to a mental hospital, hoping to get better and to work with social workers on my benefits for my financial situation.
My cognitive decline and focus on just wanting to die seems irreparable and I fear keeping myself alive will either be a ruining burden on my family or I will end up in debt because I'm not able to support myself anymore, or even ask for help properly.
It's all a mess. I wanted to die last year already, I was not able to hang myself so I tried to fix my life by stepping down from the leadership position I had back then on my job. Everything seemed fine for a while. Until I had my first psychotic episode, which ruined my life. Job and reputation lost, living with my parents again.
I've got my hands on some SN, I'm allowed to go home over the weekend and then I will go for it in the late evening. I don't have any other meds it seems like no one can help me to the degree that I need help with. My will to live is dead and the only way I can imagine living is by staying in bed but that's not possible. No one that will go through my documents with me or help me apply for benefits. There seems like there's no place for people with mental illness in society, not even in Germany.
It has to work.
