10000DaysTooMany
Member
- Apr 14, 2023
- 68
I am brand new here, my purpose of creating an account is to get my feelings and emotions in order before I CTB. I don't have a timeframe in mind and I still might not go through with it but being able to openly discuss it will help me substantially. throughout this post I talk about my life and my battle with depression and suicide. It starts to sound hopeful but please keep in mind, I don't like being alive and I'm actively planning to CTB.
Today is actually my 10,000th day alive. I was born Nov 20, 1995. throughout my life I've seriously struggled with depression and have attempted to CTB once before. In 2018 I had an absurdly bad day (probably the worst day of my life) and decided to try. I always planed on cutting my wrists in the tub. I've always worried about making a mess for whoever cleaned up and imagined it would be easier for them if I did it there. I've always been worried about the pain of cutting my wrists and more the once that's been the only reason I didn't do it. That day in particular though I decided I'd had enough.
I found myself alone at home, I lived with my then SO at the time but she was staying somewhere else that night. Without thinking things through I swallowed about 60 mg of Hydrocodone and drank half a fifth of Jack. Then went to sleep in the full bathtub. To my surprise I woke up in the morning covered in my own vomit feeling absolutely awful. That day I decided to take action and try to control my depression. I told my three (absolutely wonderful) best friends about my depression and set an appointment to speak with a doctor. I started taking Celexa daily. I'm sure antidepressants help some people cope and overcome depression, but for me this wasn't the case. for about two years the world looked more grey, food didn't taste as good, and music stopped making me feel like it used to. The bad times didn't feel as bad but neither did the good times. I lost interest in everything I did, every moment of my life for those two years felt boring and meaningless.
I stopped taking antidepressants when the shutdown started. My life slowly began to get better and better. I started eating better, exercising, and doing whatever I could to make myself happy. I lost 100 pounds and became one off the most knowledgeable people I've met in my chosen profession; so much so that I got a promotion in my company and moved to a different state. I was able to really focus on myself instead of my family (parents and siblings). I tried to do the things that made me happy. I started grooming daily, keeping my home clean and planning for the future.
Despite all of that, most of the time I still hated life. I was never convinced the bad was worth the good. I tried my absolute best to put positivity into the world and bring joy to those around me. I smiled constantly, but inside is a tornado of sadness, doubt, and self hatred. I truly want those around me to be happy and enjoy their existence. Unfortunately for me I don't think that will ever happen. On top of my inner depression this last year has been filled with death and loss of friendship. I've tried to be happy for 10,000 days and I just can not keep going. I fear when I CTB those close to me will be infected with these emotions; but I've come to thee conclusion that is not my job. I can not keep dragging myself through the mud for others. I have to do what's right for me.
I only tried to CTB that one time. However there were countless other times I almost tried. over and over I've taken baths with razor blades in hand. I've stood on the edge of buildings staring at the ground never finding the courage to take that final step. Driven recklessly not caring about if I crash; or if I hit someone else. And one notable time when I held the barrel of my fathers AR-15 in my mouth for about ten minutes. Just before crying myself to sleep once again.
This all being said; I think my time is near. And thanks to this website existing I wont be going through with any of the horrendous methods I discussed. I'll be able to leave existence peacefully in my sleep. As the title says I'm glad I found this website and community.
Today is actually my 10,000th day alive. I was born Nov 20, 1995. throughout my life I've seriously struggled with depression and have attempted to CTB once before. In 2018 I had an absurdly bad day (probably the worst day of my life) and decided to try. I always planed on cutting my wrists in the tub. I've always worried about making a mess for whoever cleaned up and imagined it would be easier for them if I did it there. I've always been worried about the pain of cutting my wrists and more the once that's been the only reason I didn't do it. That day in particular though I decided I'd had enough.
I found myself alone at home, I lived with my then SO at the time but she was staying somewhere else that night. Without thinking things through I swallowed about 60 mg of Hydrocodone and drank half a fifth of Jack. Then went to sleep in the full bathtub. To my surprise I woke up in the morning covered in my own vomit feeling absolutely awful. That day I decided to take action and try to control my depression. I told my three (absolutely wonderful) best friends about my depression and set an appointment to speak with a doctor. I started taking Celexa daily. I'm sure antidepressants help some people cope and overcome depression, but for me this wasn't the case. for about two years the world looked more grey, food didn't taste as good, and music stopped making me feel like it used to. The bad times didn't feel as bad but neither did the good times. I lost interest in everything I did, every moment of my life for those two years felt boring and meaningless.
I stopped taking antidepressants when the shutdown started. My life slowly began to get better and better. I started eating better, exercising, and doing whatever I could to make myself happy. I lost 100 pounds and became one off the most knowledgeable people I've met in my chosen profession; so much so that I got a promotion in my company and moved to a different state. I was able to really focus on myself instead of my family (parents and siblings). I tried to do the things that made me happy. I started grooming daily, keeping my home clean and planning for the future.
Despite all of that, most of the time I still hated life. I was never convinced the bad was worth the good. I tried my absolute best to put positivity into the world and bring joy to those around me. I smiled constantly, but inside is a tornado of sadness, doubt, and self hatred. I truly want those around me to be happy and enjoy their existence. Unfortunately for me I don't think that will ever happen. On top of my inner depression this last year has been filled with death and loss of friendship. I've tried to be happy for 10,000 days and I just can not keep going. I fear when I CTB those close to me will be infected with these emotions; but I've come to thee conclusion that is not my job. I can not keep dragging myself through the mud for others. I have to do what's right for me.
I only tried to CTB that one time. However there were countless other times I almost tried. over and over I've taken baths with razor blades in hand. I've stood on the edge of buildings staring at the ground never finding the courage to take that final step. Driven recklessly not caring about if I crash; or if I hit someone else. And one notable time when I held the barrel of my fathers AR-15 in my mouth for about ten minutes. Just before crying myself to sleep once again.
This all being said; I think my time is near. And thanks to this website existing I wont be going through with any of the horrendous methods I discussed. I'll be able to leave existence peacefully in my sleep. As the title says I'm glad I found this website and community.
