I’m giving life one last try

[m3nhera]

I'm so deadass and ik I sound like that one audio that's like "One last try. I'm giving life ONE last try" but bc I've been so torn between the main two choices, I've decided to really give it my all, to try make life better.

If things aren't better by the time summer is over, I'll kill myself before college starts. I always think about that but the rule is that I really have to TRY like actually try before quitting. I "try" but I don't TRY ykwim?

Anyways I'll probably need help with planning bc I need to make sure I have a way out if things don't get better.

This will sound ridiculous but I am going to try and manifest chill parents, I could say a lot about that topic but just wanna make this clear: I don't think that anyone in a bad situation is at fault and that if they just tried harder it would go away, that's not how that works, this is just for myself to try, because I tried everything else and I have nothing to lose. Sometimes it actually works apparently so I'll have to see and find out. But I really gotta commit instead of falling back into the same hopeless cycle.

I always quit with everything I do but for the next three months I will truly give it my all. Idk why I'm writing this, idk if anyone cares, this is just the only site I could really talk about this. Maybe I could start like a journal or something so ppl can see the progress each day??? Like maybe rating how my parents were out of 10 everyday. Idk. If anyone cares let me know LMAO

Bye guys

 

[Yuri440]

Hell even if the world is against you, you can still try. What matters is you want to and you're going to give it your all man. I think the main thing is that you care enough to try. You got this tho!

It's worth at least a try imo <3

 

[ilovenewyork]

Good for you

 

[Hollowman]

Good luck

 

[Hystearical]

If things aren't better by the time summer is over,

But that's when college starts.

 

[glass-petal]

i admire your conviction and i truly hope it all goes well for you. we're all rooting for you~!

 

[charlavail]

is your college away from home? and away from your parents?

 

[Sparkly rainbow]

I would like to see your daily improvements to life and a mindset change (even if it is only temporary.

 

[m3nhera]

But that's when college starts.

Yeah, I explained in another post that suicide during college isn't ideal and would be a worse time than either doing it before or not doing it at all.

is your college away from home? and away from your parents?

No. And I can't afford to get away from them regardless, that's the only reason I'm staying home.

i admire your conviction and i truly hope it all goes well for you. we're all rooting for you~!

Thank you!!! I somewhat resonate with your title lol

I would like to see your daily improvements to life and a mindset change (even if it is only temporary.

Glad to hear this!

Good luck

Thanks!

Good for you

Thanks

Hell even if the world is against you, you can still try. What matters is you want to and you're going to give it your all man. I think the main thing is that you care enough to try. You got this tho!

It's worth at least a try imo <3

Yeah you're right, if I try and it doesn't work out there's always suicide, but how will I know unless I try?

 

[Yuri440]

Yeah you're right, if I try and it doesn't work out there's always suicide, but how will I know unless I try?

Exactly! It might be that it works out really well, or hell it may just be a little bit, but honestly in my eyes for me at least, if I'm already at the point I'm wanting to be dead, it can't really get worse than that ya know?

Good luck <3 you've always got us to talk to if you need it!

 

[Matchaaa]

I really hope things goes well for you soon, and I wish you all the best.
good luck, just give it a shot

 

[m3nhera]

Exactly! It might be that it works out really well, or hell it may just be a little bit, but honestly in my eyes for me at least, if I'm already at the point I'm wanting to be dead, it can't really get worse than that ya know?

Good luck <3 you've always got us to talk to if you need it!

Thanks guys ur literally nicer than my entire family

I really hope things goes well for you soon, and I wish you all the best.
good luck, just give it a shot

Thanks, I already want to quit again LMAO

 

[Yuri440]

I already want to quit again LMAO

Nu uh you gotta try now you said you would! Hahaha nah honestly as long as you're trying that's all that matters, and I feel that comment about your family. Mine are hellish too, it's a fun time

 

[Aflame5926]

maybe live life like IF you are going to CTB. because once you CTB who cares about afterwards
GO BIG, also what Yuri440 said.

dont go back so soon. you can always come back

 

[m3nhera]

Nu uh you gotta try now you said you would! Hahaha nah honestly as long as you're trying that's all that matters, and I feel that comment about your family. Mine are hellish too, it's a fun time

I love your title, also this message is really thoughtful. Thank you

maybe live life like IF you are going to CTB. because once you CTB who cares about afterwards
GO BIG, also what Yuri440 said.

dont go back so soon. you can always come back

I would but I have zero energy to do anything, ever. I only do what I must, like classwork and such

 

[Forever Sleep]

I wish you the very best of luck. One slight concern I have is your wish to manifest better parents. I'm not sure you can change people.

Although- you may well discover better ways of communicating with them. Better ways to avoid being in less pleasant conversations with them. You mentioned- you wanted them to be more 'chill'. I can relate to that. I've found that some topics/ revelations are simply best avoided with my Dad- because they invariably lead to a lecture.

Really though- I hope you can concentrate on you. Your aims and dreams. I think that's easier to work towards, rather than hoping other people will change.

 

[m3nhera]

I wish you the very best of luck. One slight concern I have is your wish to manifest better parents. I'm not sure you can change people.

Although- you may well discover better ways of communicating with them. Better ways to avoid being in less pleasant conversations with them. You mentioned- you wanted them to be more 'chill'. I can relate to that. I've found that some topics/ revelations are simply best avoided with my Dad- because they invariably lead to a lecture.

Really though- I hope you can concentrate on you. Your aims and dreams. I think that's easier to work towards, rather than hoping other people will change.

I'm not sure you can change people either but even delusion seems healthier than my current mindset. I said all this bullshit in the post but I haven't even tried because I'm so hopeless. It does work for some people. Whether you believe or not, I'm not here to judge others for how they deal, whether they turn to religion or manifesting or drugs or self-harm, life is rough and we do what we can to make it through.

 

[Yuri440]

I'm not sure you can change people either but even delusion seems healthier than my current mindset

It's a difficult balance to maintain. From experience, and granted I'm painfully autistic so my social skills may not be that useful when sharing haha, in a genuinely good healthy relationship with someone, whether that's friends, family, or a partner, then change is absolutely possible to an extent. My best friend and I used to be constantly avoiding talking about things scared we'd accidentally cause issues with the other because of past relationships with people leading us to expect it from everyone else. Four and a half years I have known them, and now we talk about pretty much everything and literally anything.

I've also had the opposite a lot more than that though. People can be incredibly stubborn, people can be incredibly set in their ways. It takes time to learn how to pick up on whether someone is worth your energy to be around, and whether you should cut your losses and realise it's better for YOUR health to just leave. It may feel shitty, and you may feel lonely because of it. I can't comment much on the lonely feeling because I haven't felt it, but I think I would rather have no friends, or just one, than a bunch of friends who don't actually care about you and will eventually make your health worse. It isn't worth walking on eggshells around people. It's exhausing and will absolutely lead you to burning out and shutting yourself away from people anyway. In my opinion, rather than push yourself to the point you have no choice but to leave them, I would leave early when I've realised I'm having to walk on eggshells and the like so that I don't get to that stage. Same end result, but at least if I choose to leave before I get burnt out, I won't feel as depressed from it.

Again, it's a hard thing to judge, especially if you don't have the best social skills like I don't haha. Don't be hard on yourself for it, you'll likely learn in time.

I love your title, also this message is really thoughtful. Thank you

You don't gotta thank me for it friend, just sharing what I can in hopes it helps <3

I said all this bullshit in the post but I haven't even tried because I'm so hopeless

Honestly man, progress looks different for each person. The fact you even typed that you wanted to actually give life another try IS PROGRESS, no matter how you think about it. Progress is progress. Even if you try your absolute hardest, you're not going to be suddenly happy again and love life overnight. I'm 31 years old and felt suicidal since I was about 8. I lived life struggling with relationships, abusive family, and struggling wondering why I feel like such an outcast. Last November I was diagnosed with autism, and everything started to click for me. Now I've not suddenly got better, but now that I understand why I am the way I am, I've been able to put steps in place to help keep me okay.

Yeah I still have a bunch of moments where suicide attempts become a real issue, today was one of them, but the fact that I can recognise the signs before it happens, and have made changes based on things like my autism diagnosis to help change things for the better is progress. To give an example of mine, having an actual schedule for the toilet so that I don't nearly pee myself every day because I just don't feel the urge to pee has helped me stop being as overwhelmed and sitting for hours not realising why. It sounds so stupid doesn't it, but that tiny thing is progress that's led to me being able to make progress in other areas too because I'm not crippled by things that have crippled me all my life.

Any step you take is going to be progress, even if it's baby steps. Keep that in mind so that you aren't sitting there feeling worse because you aren't just feeling better overnight, and again if you need anything you've always got us friend <3

--

I also realise this is a hellishly long reply, good luck with my rambling hahaha

 

[m3nhera]

It's a difficult balance to maintain. From experience, and granted I'm painfully autistic so my social skills may not be that useful when sharing haha, in a genuinely good healthy relationship with someone, whether that's friends, family, or a partner, then change is absolutely possible to an extent. My best friend and I used to be constantly avoiding talking about things scared we'd accidentally cause issues with the other because of past relationships with people leading us to expect it from everyone else. Four and a half years I have known them, and now we talk about pretty much everything and literally anything.

I've also had the opposite a lot more than that though. People can be incredibly stubborn, people can be incredibly set in their ways. It takes time to learn how to pick up on whether someone is worth your energy to be around, and whether you should cut your losses and realise it's better for YOUR health to just leave. It may feel shitty, and you may feel lonely because of it. I can't comment much on the lonely feeling because I haven't felt it, but I think I would rather have no friends, or just one, than a bunch of friends who don't actually care about you and will eventually make your health worse. It isn't worth walking on eggshells around people. It's exhausing and will absolutely lead you to burning out and shutting yourself away from people anyway. In my opinion, rather than push yourself to the point you have no choice but to leave them, I would leave early when I've realised I'm having to walk on eggshells and the like so that I don't get to that stage. Same end result, but at least if I choose to leave before I get burnt out, I won't feel as depressed from it.

Again, it's a hard thing to judge, especially if you don't have the best social skills like I don't haha. Don't be hard on yourself for it, you'll likely learn in time.


You don't gotta thank me for it friend, just sharing what I can in hopes it helps <3


Honestly man, progress looks different for each person. The fact you even typed that you wanted to actually give life another try IS PROGRESS, no matter how you think about it. Progress is progress. Even if you try your absolute hardest, you're not going to be suddenly happy again and love life overnight. I'm 31 years old and felt suicidal since I was about 8. I lived life struggling with relationships, abusive family, and struggling wondering why I feel like such an outcast. Last November I was diagnosed with autism, and everything started to click for me. Now I've not suddenly got better, but now that I understand why I am the way I am, I've been able to put steps in place to help keep me okay.

Yeah I still have a bunch of moments where suicide attempts become a real issue, today was one of them, but the fact that I can recognise the signs before it happens, and have made changes based on things like my autism diagnosis to help change things for the better is progress. To give an example of mine, having an actual schedule for the toilet so that I don't nearly pee myself every day because I just don't feel the urge to pee has helped me stop being as overwhelmed and sitting for hours not realising why. It sounds so stupid doesn't it, but that tiny thing is progress that's led to me being able to make progress in other areas too because I'm not crippled by things that have crippled me all my life.

Any step you take is going to be progress, even if it's baby steps. Keep that in mind so that you aren't sitting there feeling worse because you aren't just feeling better overnight, and again if you need anything you've always got us friend <3

--

I also realise this is a hellishly long reply, good luck with my rambling hahaha

It's okay, I read all of it. I agree with many things you said although I unfortunately can't just leave due to financial reasons haha, but obviously it's best to get out asap if you're able. I know I'll probably feel similarly to you once I reach that age but I hate the idea that suicidality never fully goes away. Ever.

 

[Yuri440]

It's okay, I read all of it. I agree with many things you said although I unfortunately can't just leave due to financial reasons haha, but obviously it's best to get out asap if you're able. I know I'll probably feel similarly to you once I reach that age but I hate the idea that suicidality never fully goes away. Ever.

Reading you say once you reach that age makes me feel old. I've been balding since I was a kid so I definitely feel it hahaha

It'll probably never go away for personally, but there are definitely times where I can feel like I'm enjoying myself enough to not even notice them anymore. I recently played through Death Stranding 2 since it came to PC and I loved it, throughout the entire time I played that I never really felt it at all because I was just so hooked into it.

I'm making a wild guess but with you saying it's due to financial reasons it's gonna be family or something right? My brain is fried today so I probably missed you saying it at some point haha, and I feel that. It wasn't till I managed to get my money sorted out last year that I was able to get some independence from family. Just need to find my own place now and I'll be sorted really. I'll probably struggle a hell of a lot being alone, but it'll probably be better than the kind of struggles I have here now. I definitely get what you mean though. Again, the key thing is one step at a time. Progress won't happen overnight, and you're wanting to try and to me that is huge. I decided to not be lazy and reread your first post which mentioned parents hahahaha yeah I definitely feel that one.

What kind of things are you doing to keep yourself busy or things that you're doing because you're interested in them? I'm quite basic with games, music, and youtube. I have one youtuber I watch on repeat because they've become that safe kind of show I watch thanks to the autism. You got anything like that?

 

[m3nhera]

Reading you say once you reach that age makes me feel old. I've been balding since I was a kid so I definitely feel it hahaha

It'll probably never go away for personally, but there are definitely times where I can feel like I'm enjoying myself enough to not even notice them anymore. I recently played through Death Stranding 2 since it came to PC and I loved it, throughout the entire time I played that I never really felt it at all because I was just so hooked into it.

I'm making a wild guess but with you saying it's due to financial reasons it's gonna be family or something right? My brain is fried today so I probably missed you saying it at some point haha, and I feel that. It wasn't till I managed to get my money sorted out last year that I was able to get some independence from family. Just need to find my own place now and I'll be sorted really. I'll probably struggle a hell of a lot being alone, but it'll probably be better than the kind of struggles I have here now. I definitely get what you mean though. Again, the key thing is one step at a time. Progress won't happen overnight, and you're wanting to try and to me that is huge. I decided to not be lazy and reread your first post which mentioned parents hahahaha yeah I definitely feel that one.

What kind of things are you doing to keep yourself busy or things that you're doing because you're interested in them? I'm quite basic with games, music, and youtube. I have one youtuber I watch on repeat because they've become that safe kind of show I watch thanks to the autism. You got anything like that?

Hey thanks for taking the time to reply, I read everything. I have hobbies but don't feel like talking about them right now, honestly I just want to die and I don't know why I made the original post, or what I was on about, I think it's best if I just kill myself before the first semester of college and save myself the suffering. I'm so tired.

 

[Yuri440]

I feel that one. I'm lying in bed because I feel so drained haha. No one can force you to do anything. I know I get those times where I feel like it's worth trying to make improvements but then the depression takes back over and it's gone for a while. There's nothing wrong with that. Take it a day at a time or hell even an hour at a time and see how you get on <3

I would give you my usual paragraphs but everything is blurry right now haha hope you're doing alright friend <3

 

[m3nhera]

I feel that one. I'm lying in bed because I feel so drained haha. No one can force you to do anything. I know I get those times where I feel like it's worth trying to make improvements but then the depression takes back over and it's gone for a while. There's nothing wrong with that. Take it a day at a time or hell even an hour at a time and see how you get on <3

I would give you my usual paragraphs but everything is blurry right now haha hope you're doing alright friend <3

Thank you, I'm just tired of the cycle. It would be easier if I could just pick one, kill myself or commit to recovery and try to live. But it's always this push and pull, and I've been doing this for so long. I think maybe I'm in denial about the inevitable. I know death is right for me, but there's so much bullshit in the way. And I don't want to hurt anyone. Anyways though, as a last resort, should I call my doctor when I get the chance, or just accept my true desires?? Idk what they could do for me anyway, what options do I have if I refuse the side effects of most meds, and don't/can't try other things?

 

[wine is fine but]

and that if they just tried harder it would go away, that's not how that works, this is just for myself to try, because I tried everything else and I have nothing to lose. Sometimes it actually works apparently so I'll have to see and find out. But I really gotta commit instead of falling back into the same hopeless cycle.

it can work that way, but to do it, is not easy at all - and sometimes impossible for any one individual. if we knew how to fix ourselves, we would not be in this situation to begin with, but just keep trying, and try different ways and techniques. try to look at it from another perspective, because it "can" work. that doesn't mean it will, but without an effort, it will never happen

Thank you, I'm just tired of the cycle. It would be easier if I could just pick one, kill myself or commit to recovery and try to live. But it's always this push and pull, and I've been doing this for so long. I think maybe I'm in denial about the inevitable. I know death is right for me, but there's so much bullshit in the way. And I don't want to hurt anyone. Anyways though, as a last resort, should I call my doctor when I get the chance, or just accept my true desires?? Idk what they could do for me anyway, what options do I have if I refuse the side effects of most meds, and don't/can't try other things?

if you wish to recover, then you really do need to try your hardest to commit to it. as a line from a movie back in the mid 90's went "get busy living or get busy dying" - you cannot do both. the thoughts, and the push and pull will probably always be there, but if your mind is set on suicide, it cannot think about survival - it is impossible. everything about your own life, is your own choice, but you seem to want to try to have an enjoyable life, so please try to block out suicide as an option. we cannot plan for a future if we do not see it happening. when we are thinking seriously about suicide, it gives us that weird feeling in the pit stomach that is not pleasant. it takes away the ability to appreciate the little things, and to have happy moments, because if we are not going to be around, why do we need them. the suicidal wish might still be there, but only after you have taken the option off the table, can you hope to feel better overall, start to enjoy things and look forward to the future. it may not work, but if it doesn't at least you can proudly say "at least i tried" just be true to yourself and try. hopefully it all works out for you whichever direction, you life ends up taking

 

[amy joyce]

I'll kill myself before college starts

Sorry I'm kind of new and not familiar with your history here. Why not try giving college a try and have that be one of the things that might help you improve?

 

[m3nhera]

Sorry I'm kind of new and not familiar with your history here. Why not try giving college a try and have that be one of the things that might help you improve?

I believe it'll be fun but life has just been so painful, it sometimes feels like I can't make it that long, even though I can.

 

[wine is fine but]

I believe it'll be fun but life has just been so painful, it sometimes feels like I can't make it that long, even though I can.

if truth be told, you probably didn't think you would have made it this long, but here you are

you can make it through anything - all you have to do is breathe in and then breathe out

perhaps it is not worth the effort, i cannot tell you that, but hopefully you can give it the best shot possible, take suicide totally off the table for a while and come what may - obviously, many of us hope you can continue living and enjoy your life, but if not, at least you know that you gave it all. no one should die wondering, especially if it is by their own hand . . . good luck

 

[Yuri440]

Thank you, I'm just tired of the cycle. It would be easier if I could just pick one, kill myself or commit to recovery and try to live. But it's always this push and pull, and I've been doing this for so long. I think maybe I'm in denial about the inevitable. I know death is right for me, but there's so much bullshit in the way. And I don't want to hurt anyone. Anyways though, as a last resort, should I call my doctor when I get the chance, or just accept my true desires?? Idk what they could do for me anyway, what options do I have if I refuse the side effects of most meds, and don't/can't try other things?

I'm on the back end of a migraine so I may seem a bit off with my reply but I'll try haha

I think part of recovery for me was discovering the fact that I'm so torn between suicide and recovery. It's difficult because a lot of the time in my mind, suicide IS recovery in the sense that by dying, I won't have any of my issues that cause me to want to die, you know what I mean? Take that with a pinch of salt though, I have just tried a half arsed attempt at hanging myself and obviously didn't manage it haha

It could be that you're in denial and it's inevitable, but right now realistically you're still in the part where you're not 100% set on dying. That's something to think about. You probably don't know exactly what it is you should do and are hoping that someone can tell you what you should do or feel. I know I feel like that a lot of the time because I feel so confused on what would be best. Unfortunately, I don't think anyone has the right to say what you have to do or say because it's something you need to decide yourself ya know? You decided to try life again when you made the post, it's worth trying it out for sure, though again it's just my opinion and you should make the choice yourself <3

When it comes to meds, they're an absolute BITCH for some people. For me I've tried a good number of them and had nothing. Most didn't have any real side effects either, just did nothing. The rest did have side effects, and the only one I genuinely would never touch again would be mirtazapine because a common side effect of that is anger. I'm not an angry person at all, but that made me genuinely angry in a hateful way. I'd aim to hurt those around me because of it. I hated that feeling more than anything. Absolutely disgusting.

If you think it's worth it, I'd say it's worth at least looking at medication. Unfortunately because they impact everyone differently, it's near impossible to know how well or how badly they'll work with you personally until you've tried them for a few months. Outside of the mirtazapine, it wasn't that bad of an experience for me honestly. Citalopram made me feel super dizzy all the time when I stopped it, but while on it I didn't have any issues.

Other things outside of medications is obviously therapy for one. There's many different kinds of therapy all tailored to their own kind of things. I've tried four, two of which weren't suitable for me and we stopped after a couple sessions, the other two didn't really do anything. I think my reason for it not working was because of my autism and how I process my thoughts and emotions because of it. Again though, unfortunately it's hard to say what will have a positive impact on you till you give it a try.

I'm happy to give any advice on anything you're thinking about when it comes to these things, honestly it's no bother to me at all. Happy to be here in any way I can really. You've got this man, whatever you decide to do <3 and if I've missed anything I am very sorry hahaha