drownll
Student
- Jul 7, 2023
- 134
I hate my life right now it sucks.
My life was ALWAYS shit, i don't remember one good phase in my life. I'm not gonna write about my childhood because it's not the most relevant here, but it was garbage and traumatized me.
1 year ago i started renting an illegal small apartment (under-rental), at this time i had 0 friend, shitty job at mcdonalds, no money. The guy who rented me the flat would sometimes enter without warning at night to get his stuff. I started doing drugs to bare this situation (speed), not so long after i stopped going to work and did speed all day because i felt 10x better than i've ever felt in my life doing it.
I managed to live like that for 2-3 months before running out of money, the guy started threatening me, so i had to go back to my moms appartement. She lives in a shithole ghetto. From then i live in this trash shithole that i hate, i'm back to the place that gave me so much traumas, i have nothing going on for me at 23, no money, no room, no friends, i love my mom but i hate my sisters, they are dirty, they make a mess everywhere, they are loud, the apartment is super small and i live in the living room, i have no intimacy. And i can't numb it down with alcohol or drugs because my mom would kick me out. I want to go to the military it's my only way, i know that i will always never abandon my mission no matter my mental state but i'm scared of getting flagged by the psychologist and be failed.
I seriously thought about offing multiple times throughout my life, first time when i was in high-school. I don't regret that i kept living until the moment where i had to return here, because i accumulated a lot of esoteric knowledge and experienced transcendal spiritual moments (both naturally and drug induced, i did dmt multiple times), i can't express these things with words but i can kinda grasp the nature of my true self and the afterlife, and i'm not consciously scared of death (i'm still instinctively scared of it though like everyone else).
What ctb method do you recommend considering:
I have no money
I want 100% guaranteed success
Personally drowning seems really appealing to me.
Fuck humans, i hate the very human condition. I cannot bare the human experience of existence anymore, constantly having needs, being vulnerable, bounded. Fuck this.
My life was ALWAYS shit, i don't remember one good phase in my life. I'm not gonna write about my childhood because it's not the most relevant here, but it was garbage and traumatized me.
1 year ago i started renting an illegal small apartment (under-rental), at this time i had 0 friend, shitty job at mcdonalds, no money. The guy who rented me the flat would sometimes enter without warning at night to get his stuff. I started doing drugs to bare this situation (speed), not so long after i stopped going to work and did speed all day because i felt 10x better than i've ever felt in my life doing it.
I managed to live like that for 2-3 months before running out of money, the guy started threatening me, so i had to go back to my moms appartement. She lives in a shithole ghetto. From then i live in this trash shithole that i hate, i'm back to the place that gave me so much traumas, i have nothing going on for me at 23, no money, no room, no friends, i love my mom but i hate my sisters, they are dirty, they make a mess everywhere, they are loud, the apartment is super small and i live in the living room, i have no intimacy. And i can't numb it down with alcohol or drugs because my mom would kick me out. I want to go to the military it's my only way, i know that i will always never abandon my mission no matter my mental state but i'm scared of getting flagged by the psychologist and be failed.
I seriously thought about offing multiple times throughout my life, first time when i was in high-school. I don't regret that i kept living until the moment where i had to return here, because i accumulated a lot of esoteric knowledge and experienced transcendal spiritual moments (both naturally and drug induced, i did dmt multiple times), i can't express these things with words but i can kinda grasp the nature of my true self and the afterlife, and i'm not consciously scared of death (i'm still instinctively scared of it though like everyone else).
What ctb method do you recommend considering:
I have no money
I want 100% guaranteed success
Personally drowning seems really appealing to me.
Fuck humans, i hate the very human condition. I cannot bare the human experience of existence anymore, constantly having needs, being vulnerable, bounded. Fuck this.