I'm finally gonna try therapy now

[kindalone]

After years of postponing, I've decided to give it a try. I can't say if it was my upbringing or toxic masculinity or whatever that prevented me from not seeking it but life is failing and I can't pretend anymore. I'm deteriorating. Today I woke up at 8 am and got up at 2 pm still tired and beaten down. I thought this was normal or at least I thought I deserved it, but shit, this isn't normal. I'm also sick of these suicidal thoughts.

I've read a lot of posts ever since I've got introduced to this community by the infamous tantacrul video. A lot of you have gone through therapy and fought for your life before actually deciding to ctb. I haven't. I don't want to say that people have to go through all that to make this decision but I feel like if I want to make such a big decision there needs to be some effort to make sure it's the right one.

I'm gonna go to my doctor on Monday. I have a lot of concerns about it. One is that she won't take me seriously. I'm quite overweight. It's easy to pass off my lethargy and low motivation to my weight. Two, she might think I'm simulating. I have an exam the next day so I guess she might think it's because I want to get out of that. I need her approval that I'm not able to participate or I'll fail. Three, mental health seems to be quite shit right now in Germany. I've seen some documentaries and news and it seems like people need to wait at least a few months to get an appointment. After that initial session, it's not even guaranteed I'm gonna get a second appointment. So things are quite difficult for me now.

I don't know if this will be worth it but I stuck around just to be a punching bag for life and I'm still here. I might as well go to therapy and let life try out some new moves on me. Currently, my sister, who has always been the most supportive person in my life, is looking at me with eyes of disdain. She's been doing well with life and I don't. It's funny how people can turn around. But maybe I'm just imagining things and really need to get therapy because my view of reality is fucked up. What I'm trying to say is, I need to take care of the person that I've neglected for years just to make other people happy, myself. Fuck what other people say or think. I need to save myself.

 

[Sulyya]

Do your best! My only therapy was so long ago I don't remember, but I think I wasn't honest enough so didn't get what I should have from it.
Some boring to hear things that are true as well is that exercise does help mental health sometimes. It does for me. My weight goes up and down a lot over years and I'm pretty sure it has a good effect. Even just being outside walking, really.

 

[LaVieEnRose]

Good luck man. Being open-minded is never a bad thing. No hope it helps improve your life.

 

[stoopid]

I hope this works out for you, I'm genuinely happy of someone try that, I wouldn't do that

 

[Seven Threads]

Hey there, kindalone! Really happy to hear that you're willing to give therapy a try. You're absolutely right: you do need some time to focus on you, and you deserve that kind of self investment. Everyone deserves a chance to be happy and to feel okay. You're worth it.

That said, recovery is hard, and that's worth keeping in mind. It probably isn't going to be really helpful right away. Good therapy takes time. Time for a therapist to earn your trust. Time for you to learn how to open up, and to challenge and dispel some of the patterns of thought that don't help you. Time for them to learn enough about you to actually be helpful. And even when they do, they're not going to have all the answers. In fact, a good therapist won't even try to give them to you; the best therapists are those who help you through the process of finding those answers for yourself, not lead you by the hand. If things feel like they're not worth it or it isn't working early on, it's because it probably isn't going to until enough time passes for these things to take place.

And also, even when you get a therapist, they're still only human. They can make mistakes, or have perspectives that don't really mesh with yours. You may need outside perspective. I know a lot of the people on this site probably struggle with some of the same issues you do, so they may be able to help fill in some of the gaps. Definitely keep talking and sharing your experiences here; the more people you have on your side, the better.

I hope this attempt goes well for you, I really do. If you have any questions or need some input on an experience you have, by all means please share. I think most of us would want to see you succeed, regardless of anyone's individual take on mental health services.

 

[kindalone]

I hope this works out for you, I'm genuinely happy of someone try that, I wouldn't do that

I was resistant, too. Things are bad but I still have some will to live. I wanna see if it is enough and if I can do anything about it. If not, I hope this community is still here. I will need it.

 

[dontfearthereaper11]

I'm proud of you for taking this step in your life to try to improve your mental space. It isn't an thing to do, so you are very strong for pushing yourself forward in this way. And I understand your concern about the doctor potentially dismissing your feelings as a mere byproduct of your physical appearance, but I can assure you that most doctors and medical professionals take mental health rather seriously, and try to look at why you might be feeling the way you are, instead of making assumptions. I wish you the best, and hope that this is helpful in your journey to peace.

 

[Zetsubou]

I wish you the best in your recovery! The first steps are going to be difficult, but hopefully you'll be able to get the help you need with time.

 

[kindalone]

Went to the doctor and it wasn't a good experience. She basically told me what I had suspected. Finding a therapist is hard right now and it might take forever. Germany is honestly shit with mental health. I also contemplated giving her a form that would give me the opportunity to postpone some of my exams. I've decided to hand it to her. She chuckled a bit. I think she thought I was pretending to get out of an exam. Or maybe she had negative view of depression in the first place. Maybe I expressed myself poorly. I don't know.

I'm honestly discouraged. This is the view people have of me. I suspected it but hoped that my depression was clouding my view. But it's real. I'm not imagining. People do look at me with contempt. They think I'm just lazy. I'm pretending. And I'm starting to think they're right.

I honestly don't know if searching for a therapist is gonna yield any results. I may not find one and if I do I might get the same laughs, the same dismissal. Maybe it's true. I'm just a pretender. Trying to lie my way through life. A parasite, a leech. This 5 minute interaction uncovered a lot. This world, this system doesn't really care about me. I'm alone.

 

[Seven Threads]

Went to the doctor and it wasn't a good experience. She basically told me what I had suspected. Finding a therapist is hard right now and it might take forever. Germany is honestly shit with mental health. I also contemplated giving her a form that would give me the opportunity to postpone some of my exams. I've decided to hand it to her. She chuckled a bit. I think she thought I was pretending to get out of an exam. Or maybe she had negative view of depression in the first place. Maybe I expressed myself poorly. I don't know.

I'm honestly discouraged. This is the view people have of me. I suspected it but hoped that my depression was clouding my view. But it's real. I'm not imagining. People do look at me with contempt. They think I'm just lazy. I'm pretending. And I'm starting to think they're right.

I honestly don't know if searching for a therapist is gonna yield any results. I may not find one and if I do I might get the same laughs, the same dismissal. Maybe it's true. I'm just a pretender. Trying to lie my way through life. A parasite, a leech. This 5 minute interaction uncovered a lot. This world, this system doesn't really care about me. I'm alone.

You're not a leech, or a parasite. And you're certainly not a pretender. You're a human person and you're drowning, and you're not receiving the genuine support and validation you need to make any headway. I'm sorry you had this interaction, but don't take in this idea that it's somehow your fault or you're doing something wrong. The systems that are supposed to be there for people like you are failing you, not the other way around.

I don't know if finding a therapist is feasible right now in your position, but I don't find it likely that they'd dismiss you as readily as your doctor seems to be. Validating the struggles of a person and the things their mental health conditions can do to them and, more importantly, explicitly not condemning them or treating them with contempt is about as basic as basic gets when it comes to actual therapy. Even armchair psychologists such as myself know that much, and any therapist worth half a toenail clipping definitely does.

You have half the world and an entire system of society lined up, preparing to condemn you as all the things you've just said in this post. Don't join them.

 

[Dot]

I honestly don't know if searching for a therapist is gonna yield any results. I may not find one and if I do I might get the same laughs, the same dismissal.

Remmbr th/ doctr = nt a traind therpst

Laghng & dismssl = mch mre unlkely frm a therpst thn wld b frm sme1 nt speclising in mentl hlth

 

[kindalone]

You're not a leech, or a parasite. And you're certainly not a pretender. You're a human person and you're drowning, and you're not receiving the genuine support and validation you need to make any headway. I'm sorry you had this interaction, but don't take in this idea that it's somehow your fault or you're doing something wrong. The systems that are supposed to be there for people like you are failing you, not the other way around.

I don't know if finding a therapist is feasible right now in your position, but I don't find it likely that they'd dismiss you as readily as your doctor seems to be. Validating the struggles of a person and the things their mental health conditions can do to them and, more importantly, explicitly not condemning them or treating them with contempt is about as basic as basic gets when it comes to actual therapy. Even armchair psychologists such as myself know that much, and any therapist worth half a toenail clipping definitely does.

You have half the world and an entire system of society lined up, preparing to condemn you as all the things you've just said in this post. Don't join them.

Thank you for your comment. I needed that. I'm honestly tired. My will to live wasn't great and now it just got smaller. I can't help but agree with her on all points. Even if she's wrong, today showed me how much power these subtle things have on me. She just needed chuckle a little bit and I was home crying. How am I supposed to survive?

Remmbr th/ doctr = nt a traind therpst

Laghng & dismssl = mch mre unlkely frm a therpst thn wld b frm sme1 nt speclising in mentl hlth

I talked to a mental health counselor at my campus once. She honestly told me what the big deal was. I feel like I either have a problem expressing myself or there really is nothing. I really don't know.

 

[Seven Threads]

How am I supposed to survive?

Honestly that's the hard part. The long and short of it is you need people who will genuinely support you and help you navigate some of the struggles you're facing. People you can trust, who will validate your feelings and your perspective without judging you for for being where you are right now, but who can also challenge some of those perspectives when they're being unduly twisted by the negative feelings you're trapped in (which will happen, you already seem to be aware of this). And right now, it doesn't look like you have those people in your immediate environment.

Honestly I think the best recourse you have at your immediate disposal is to keep posting here. We're not therapists, and we won't always have the insight to be able to navigate what you're going through in the same way a real therapist could, and let's be honest, some of our answers will be bad. But at least here there's a community of people who understand what you're going through and won't tell you it's your fault that you're struggling like this or you need to just buck up and get better. Having that community and belonging is one of the biggest things that can really help someone trying to hold on, especially when they don't have any other options.

As to your personal life, it may be worth asking your sister what she really thinks about your situation and the issues that you struggle with. You may not like the answer, but it could be better than having to wonder whether that disdain is real or an impression constructed by your outlook. Personally, if I had to guess, it's possible she's just tired. You did say she used to be one of the few people who really supported you in the past, but most people can only give so much of themselves before they burn out. And very often, burnout among emotional supporters looks and feels like apathy and disdain. It may be that she just doesn't have it in her anymore, regardless of how much she actually cares. This is just my own theory, mind; I don't know her, and I can't say with any degree of certainty how she may feel about things. But it's worth finding out, wouldn't you say?

I know we're not supposed to say 'keep hanging in there' because that's just an empty platitude. But this is the recovery forum, and you really seem like you want to get to the other side of this if you can, so...keep hanging in there. And if there's anything any of us can do to help, let us know.

 

[kindalone]

As to your personal life, it may be worth asking your sister what she really thinks about your situation and the issues that you struggle with. You may not like the answer, but it could be better than having to wonder whether that disdain is real or an impression constructed by your outlook. Personally, if I had to guess, it's possible she's just tired. You did say she used to be one of the few people who really supported you in the past, but most people can only give so much of themselves before they burn out. And very often, burnout among emotional supporters looks and feels like apathy and disdain. It may be that she just doesn't have it in her anymore, regardless of how much she actually cares. This is just my own theory, mind; I don't know her, and I can't say with any degree of certainty how she may feel about things. But it's worth finding out, wouldn't you say?

I think you're right about the burnout. She's been dealing with me for a long time now. She's truly an angel. She's trying really hard to improve everybody's lives as well trying to improve her own. Me being constantly stressed and on the verge of a breakdown, must be hard to endure for her. I know this. I would even say I do this mostly for her. Her life hasn't been easy. I want her to succeed and be happy. But unfortunately, my mental state is intertwined with that. Unless I improve, I will always be a hindrance.

Thanks for typing out these long responses. We're all struggling so I appreciate you giving me so much of your time.

 

[Sulyya]

Been thinking about this and the first time I was there, they told me things I'd already thought of or heard, and that's part of why I clammed up and quit. Maybe they weren't good, or maybe they do that because a certain percent of people out there need to hear it then they improve without diving in further. Now that I've been thinking out my issues more this year, I wonder about trying again sometime.

Did you go yet?

 

[Roland7979]

Went to the doctor and it wasn't a good experience. She basically told me what I had suspected. Finding a therapist is hard right now and it might take forever.

I don't know what was said or not said, but in my experience it's best to think about what you want to say to your doctor, and then write it down on a note that you take with you to the appointment.

There have been times where I've had lots on my mind when seeing my doctor, and ending up leaving without having successfully communicated what it is that was bothering me. By writing things down, I can explain in a calm and rational (and chronological) manner what my issues are. Sometimes it might also help to write a letter, and just read the letter out loud to your doctor. And the most important thing is to be completely honest, don't leave out anything because you don't think it sounds right.

 

[kindalone]

Been thinking about this and the first time I was there, they told me things I'd already thought of or heard, and that's part of why I clammed up and quit. Maybe they weren't good, or maybe they do that because a certain percent of people out there need to hear it then they improve without diving in further. Now that I've been thinking out my issues more this year, I wonder about trying again sometime.

Did you go yet?

So my doctor said that I need to find a therapist that my insurance covers. Because I have insurance that everybody gets in my country by default, it's gonna take a while to find somebody. There's a website with all the psychotherapists in my city. I basically need to call all of them and see if I can book an appointment. From news coverages, I know this can take weeks or months so I'm in for a wild ride.

I think I need to write the issues I have down, because I probably spoke so incoherently that she got frustrated. In hindsight, I also may have left out some information which would have been crucial but did not tell her because I felt like it wasn't important. Quite frankly, I already felt uncomfortable talking about these things and wanted to get out of there as soon as possible.

I don't know what was said or not said, but in my experience it's best to think about what you want to say to your doctor, and then write it down on a note that you take with you to the appointment.

There have been times where I've had lots on my mind when seeing my doctor, and ending up leaving without having successfully communicated what it is that was bothering me. By writing things down, I can explain in a calm and rational (and chronological) manner what my issues are. Sometimes it might also help to write a letter, and just read the letter out loud to your doctor. And the most important thing is to be completely honest, don't leave out anything because you don't think it sounds right.

I think so, too. I've probably reached out twice in my life before this. Both of these times, they didn't know what the deal was. So I got dismissed both times. I feel like I give off a repulsive aura or something about my mannerisms just puts people off. The way I look, maybe the way I talk or gestures. Everybody around me wonders why I get treated so badly sometimes.

 

[Zetsubou]

I agree with the others about writing things down. Sometimes I have communication issues due to my anxiety, so there are moments where I have a hard time getting my point across or I just leave things out unintentionally. It's why I prefer texting or typing in forums like this.

 

[Sulyya]

I agree with the others about writing things down. Sometimes I have communication issues due to my anxiety, so there are moments where I have a hard time getting my point across or I just leave things out unintentionally. It's why I prefer texting or typing in forums like this.

I wonder if, other than suicidal ideation, anxiety is the most common shared trait among everyone here. Being honest about the former can definitely cause a lot of the latter.

 

[kindalone]

Damn, I just looked at the paper the doctor gave me. Medium depressive episode. God, I'm bad at explaining myself lol. My sister was so fucking angry at me. She said I should've just spilled it all. The suicidal thoughts, the panic attacks, the social isolation, the anxiety. Shit, I haven't left my home for a year. At this point, I just find it funny that it's not even the fucking system. It's literally me. I'm the one preventing my own recovery before we even got to the systemic hurdles that I was supposed to overcome.

 

[LaVieEnRose]

Damn, I just looked at the paper the doctor gave me. Medium depressive episode. God, I'm bad at explaining myself lol. My sister was so fucking angry at me. She said I should've just spilled it all. The suicidal thoughts, the panic attacks, the social isolation, the anxiety. Shit, I haven't left my home for a year. At this point, I just find it funny that it's not even the fucking system. It's literally me. I'm the one preventing my own recovery before we even got to the systemic hurdles that I was supposed to overcome.

I don't think most people spill it all during their first session. It can take time to open up. Basic fact about therapy.

 

[kakapepe]

I remember when I was in the same position 5 years ago. I was negative and thought that therapy is never gonna help me in anything, but it really did. I'm still here and I'm able to think more positively about life and I have found more things that I am interested in!