I'm extremely disappointed with myself

[przeciwwymiotne]

My life is bad purely because of my self destructive behaviours. I don't want to die, but it feels like I have to. I have become a fat lazy outsider. I'm very disappointed in myself. I don't know how to change anymore. I learned to just give in and give up. Totally give up. I think I'm the only person in the world who has purposefully ruined everything they had. I'm not strong enough to ctb. I hope I'll get better. I mean I still try. But I'm so out of it I'm so addicted to binge eating and browsing. I've ruined my life, it's not who I was 6 months ago. I have hope sometimes, but then I ruin everything. Nobody cares, even the therapists and psychologist don't fucking care. Nobody will truly every put as much faith in me and love and support. Nobody will drag me out of this. Nobody will understand me. I'm all alone. I'm so alone that I'm going crazy. And I'm too afraid and too far gone to have normal relationships. I'm too fat and indulgent to live like a normal 19yo. Nobody will ever want to be around me, I can sometimes be bearable. But eventually everyone gets tired of me. I don't know how to be better. How to manage my destructive behaviour. It feels like everyone is out to get me and laugh at me and like everyone knows that I don't have any real struggles, all my problems are my fault. Everyone is just making fun of me and they pity me behind my back. I deserve to be laughed at. My effort is funny, I should just ctb already. I stopped being myself a long time ago. Life is suffering and it's all consequences of my actions, me alone and nobody else. I want to never wake up. I want my family to never wake up either. Because they support me and want to help me, they would be sad if I died. But they're also tired of me, I'm a burden and I'm fat and ugly. The worst possible combo of human traits. At least if I were skinny I wouldn't look so pathetic. I deserve this. I felt like the worst person on earth and I destroyed my health. Now I'm so fucked. So fucked.

 

[theboy]

I am sorry you are going through this. I hope you can find the light in your life

 

[przeciwwymiotne]

I am sorry you are going through this. I hope you can find the light in your life

I hope so too

 

[Hollowillow]

You sound exhausyed, burned out and malnourished. Try to binge on veggies, unlike grains they have the vitamin c required to heal. And meat. B viramins needed too. Junk & antidepressants make people tired & obese... Probably on purpose.

Or just find another fat person to binge. Plenty of those. It's the new norm.

I want out from bad health & poisonning everything I own trying to kill mold... I literally destroyed everything...

Being tired & malnourished is so common with our standard diet... It's a crime to poison the food supply with fake toxic garbage... But they blame us as lazy for the effects... Monsters... You're a victim. Just eat better, not less, and rest more. Fuck this world. Let's rest.

 

[locked*n*loaded]

I want my family to never wake up either.

Please don't wish that on your family. You have the absolute right to decide whether you wake up or not, but not others. Please, don't hurt others, either.

 

[FuneralCry]

It sounds really awful what you are going through and it must be hard to deal with. I hope that you find relief from your suffering.

 

[freedompass]

Sounds like you are determined to hate on yourself in every way you can including overeating. I hope you are just venting and it's not always this bad, for your sake. I understand first hand the urge to self destruct. Who knows where it even comes from. Obviously no one can save you but you.

 

[Girl-shaped Wound]

Sorry for a lazy reply but I used to struggle with BED. Turned out I had undiagnosed ADHD and bipolar. Lamotrigine has cured my "eating disorder". Maybe it could help you too? It's a shame Vyvanse is n/a in Poland, it's used to treat ADHD and BED.

 

[locked*n*loaded]

So am I. I mean with myself. I'm disappointed, too. Have no idea how I got to this point.

 

[przeciwwymiotne]

Sorry for a lazy reply but I used to struggle with BED. Turned out I had undiagnosed ADHD and bipolar. Lamotrigine has cured my "eating disorder". Maybe it could help you too? It's a shame Vyvanse is n/a in Poland, it's used to treat ADHD and BED.

Huh, can I get an assessment for ADHD at 19? W sumie moje bed się zaczęło od głodzenia, raz udało mi się samej nad tym zapanować, ale teraz jest tragedia. Jak długo brałaś Lamotrigine? Są jakieś skutki uboczne?

 

[makethepainstop]

Our errors should be seen as stepping stones to learning a better way to handle things. Let our errors be as teachers on the road of life, or not. Love to ya.

 

[Girl-shaped Wound]

Huh, can I get an assessment for ADHD at 19? W sumie moje bed się zaczęło od głodzenia, raz udało mi się samej nad tym zapanować, ale teraz jest tragedia. Jak długo brałaś Lamotrigine? Są jakieś skutki uboczne?

Yes, I got assessed at 29 but the test is quite strict (took 4 sessions to go through it and for my shrink to check if I am not lying). ADHD medication may help, my current one doesn't but lamotrigine really helped me stop being an impulsive fuck. The downside is that some people are allergic to it. If you aren't, you are good!

 

[SunshineAndSuicide]

My life is bad purely because of my self destructive behaviours. I don't want to die, but it feels like I have to. I have become a fat lazy outsider. I'm very disappointed in myself. I don't know how to change anymore. I learned to just give in and give up. Totally give up. I think I'm the only person in the world who has purposefully ruined everything they had. I'm not strong enough to ctb. I hope I'll get better. I mean I still try. But I'm so out of it I'm so addicted to binge eating and browsing. I've ruined my life, it's not who I was 6 months ago. I have hope sometimes, but then I ruin everything. Nobody cares, even the therapists and psychologist don't fucking care. Nobody will truly every put as much faith in me and love and support. Nobody will drag me out of this. Nobody will understand me. I'm all alone. I'm so alone that I'm going crazy. And I'm too afraid and too far gone to have normal relationships. I'm too fat and indulgent to live like a normal 19yo. Nobody will ever want to be around me, I can sometimes be bearable. But eventually everyone gets tired of me. I don't know how to be better. How to manage my destructive behaviour. It feels like everyone is out to get me and laugh at me and like everyone knows that I don't have any real struggles, all my problems are my fault. Everyone is just making fun of me and they pity me behind my back. I deserve to be laughed at. My effort is funny, I should just ctb already. I stopped being myself a long time ago. Life is suffering and it's all consequences of my actions, me alone and nobody else. I want to never wake up. I want my family to never wake up either. Because they support me and want to help me, they would be sad if I died. But they're also tired of me, I'm a burden and I'm fat and ugly. The worst possible combo of human traits. At least if I were skinny I wouldn't look so pathetic. I deserve this. I felt like the worst person on earth and I destroyed my health. Now I'm so fucked. So fucked.

I'm so sorry you are feeling this way, it sounds like you are dealing with a lot of painful inner turmoil. I too feel like that most days.. and it is true.. we can only save ourselves. I know how hard it is, even impossible at times so I would also suggest getting more info on adhd if you have the resources to go see a professional. I'm going to do that soon because I've done some research and untreated adhd can ruin your life and you will think it's all on you.
Best of luck to you. Just know that you're not alone in having feelings like this. I hope you can take the first steps in starting to better yourself and your life.

 

[Fadeawaaaay]

You will slowly make your way back to a healthier way of life and one day you will wake up and you might even feel some measure of happiness…

 

[Littlewittlelight]

My life is bad purely because of my self destructive behaviours. I don't want to die, but it feels like I have to. I have become a fat lazy outsider. I'm very disappointed in myself. I don't know how to change anymore. I learned to just give in and give up. Totally give up. I think I'm the only person in the world who has purposefully ruined everything they had. I'm not strong enough to ctb. I hope I'll get better. I mean I still try. But I'm so out of it I'm so addicted to binge eating and browsing. I've ruined my life, it's not who I was 6 months ago. I have hope sometimes, but then I ruin everything. Nobody cares, even the therapists and psychologist don't fucking care. Nobody will truly every put as much faith in me and love and support. Nobody will drag me out of this. Nobody will understand me. I'm all alone. I'm so alone that I'm going crazy. And I'm too afraid and too far gone to have normal relationships. I'm too fat and indulgent to live like a normal 19yo. Nobody will ever want to be around me, I can sometimes be bearable. But eventually everyone gets tired of me. I don't know how to be better. How to manage my destructive behaviour. It feels like everyone is out to get me and laugh at me and like everyone knows that I don't have any real struggles, all my problems are my fault. Everyone is just making fun of me and they pity me behind my back. I deserve to be laughed at. My effort is funny, I should just ctb already. I stopped being myself a long time ago. Life is suffering and it's all consequences of my actions, me alone and nobody else. I want to never wake up. I want my family to never wake up either. Because they support me and want to help me, they would be sad if I died. But they're also tired of me, I'm a burden and I'm fat and ugly. The worst possible combo of human traits. At least if I were skinny I wouldn't look so pathetic. I deserve this. I felt like the worst person on earth and I destroyed my health. Now I'm so fucked. So fucked.

This is no joke and everyone's problems are a consequence of their own mistakes. Don't feel left out please. I am not going to say *it gets better or something* but what I just thought I can answer. I am a burden I am 20 and I try too I do stuff and I fall into the same patterns of self destructive and sabotaging behaviour. I push friends away I want and don't want to be in relationships because I have self esteem issues and there isn't a person earth who hasn't tried. I can say if this world stopped making us feel so bad about ourselves sometimes some of us would recover, some of us would open up more to families people around but this is not the answer to your problems I am too far but trying to reflect on past myself. I am at fault myself one last thing is I am super skinny on the other end and I find myself so unattractive I can't imagine I can feel how it feels to not be fit and feeling like being unable to change it. I still am super skinny I barely eat and it doesn't look good to me just skinny would be fine just fat would be fine not literally fat and I am going to try to accept people for what they are. Just wanted to say whatever I have felt being in your shoes and on the other end if it helps man.
I hope it gets better and you don't have to die if you feel there is room for improvement. Maybe open up if you can everyone is different. shouldn't feel bad about asking for help or motivation or encouragement if that keeps you going. I feel I needed it too I could have survived longer. In the end it should be your decision I didn't mean to influence you or anyone just saying what I have felt and how it is for me too.
Peace