Story I'm done with DBT, I give up on recovery

[SecretDissociation]

I've been doing pre-dbt sessions from the second week of December, take away a couple of weeks because of illness and stuff. So maybe 9 sessions Idk, just a guess.

The therapist left and a replacement was assigned. Today I met the replacement. He asked me how many sessions I have had, I counted and said 'nine-ish'. He asked what did you discuss, I said I can't remember. He said is it normal not to remember stuff, I said 'more or less'. He also asked me how I felt coming today, I shrugged, and he said what does the shrug mean, I shrugged again and said it means I have no feelings. None at all? none.

And damn it, i'm trying really hard. I did try really hard. But DBT just isn't for me. I leave, i have left every session sad, and angry. I told him I came because I have a tiny little sliver of hope. Then I elaborated that it's more like an electron of hope, actually a Quark of hope. and he said you can see it under the microscope and I said actually you can't. He said, let's set a boundary, we're not here to have an academic discussion. I got angry, sad confused. Was I just told off? Told off for being me? I'm sorry I took it literally. I can't even be autistic in fucking peace. I was so sad and angry. so I said I don't want to do this anymore. I wanted to leave. He said I'm not going to force you but you're welcome back anytime and that we can repair the relationship. I said no, I'm not going through this. I don't want to repair the relationship, not after you decided to give me a telling off. I told him, you could've said it in a better way, 'let's try not to get into the niche's' or something similar. You didn't have to raise your voice slightly, and discredit my thinking.

I find it so hard to talk in therapy. Sometimes it takes me 4 minutes to say one word. And I thought why not try try to talk today, and I get told off.

I haven't stopped crying since I've left, I can't stop as I type this. I try so hard. I tried so hard. WHy is it always my fault? I just wanted to try harder today. I didn't want to debate, I just wanted to say that you can't technically view it under a microscope. I just wanted to elaborateon how small my hope is. i didn't mean to argue. I really didn't. Why is it always my fault. Always me. Hey, don't do that. Don't do this. And then they say explain it, then I don't get listened to.

I just wanted to be me. I just I thought maybe I could I donknto just be me. I hate this i hate this I hate feeling like shit no matter what I do. My throat hurts from crying. And I just lost a friend damn it. It's only been 3 weeks and four days. I just need a break. i just need to die. i just need to self-harm I just need a hug I just need a friend I jsut need to die I just need someone to listen to me i just I just, What am I doing wrong? I don't get it I dont get it its all my fault my fault my fucking fault

 

[EmptyBottle]

Some therapists aren't suitable for therapy (raising voice), sorry that such an experience occured, it is not your fault.

I'm here if you need to talk, and hopefully others on the recovery section can help too.

 

[SecretDissociation]

Some therapists aren't suitable for therapy (raising voice), sorry that such an experience occured, it is not your fault.

I'm here if you need to talk, and hopefully others on the recovery section can help too.

Thank you. Sometimes blaming myself is the easiest thing to do. Thank's for the reassurance <3 it is really nice to have

 

[lamy's sacred sleep]

I find it so hard to talk in therapy. Sometimes it takes me 4 minutes to say one word.

I'm the same.
though I find it changes very much on who the therapist is and how much you trust em.

I had one therapist who I could disclose my suicidal thoughts to, so I could actually talk about pretty much everything (except plans ofc) and that made talking in therapy way easier, also this therapist didn't judge me for taking like 5 business days to think of what to say.

Then I had a different therapist and it was completely different. It felt like I was being interrogated, so I didn't disclose everything and that made the therapy sorta awkward.

It does sound like they were telling you off, cause yeah you can't see quarks under a microscope, hell you can't even get a lone quark by itself (to my knowledge), so that therapist needs to check himself.

let's set a boundary, we're not here to have an academic discussion

If they actually said this, that's strange, cause it was one phrase.
I personally think from the information you've provided that he was trying to say, ah this xxx amount of hope is visible under a microscope so it exists and can be worked upon and grow. I'm just spitballing here.
So he possibly got frustrated (raised voice, stopping the conversation in its tracks with his authority) because he couldn't move the conversation where he wanted to?
I hope you understand what I'm trying to convey, but I've conveyed it terribly. sorry 'bout that.

 

[Praestat_Mori]

Idk what else happened in that session and I don't want to protect the therapist but I think the therapist just wanted to say that you should have a little bit more hope than almost 0 hope.

I understood immediately what you wanted to say - it's so difficult to have hope when there is almost no hope.

It's not your fault at all!!!

 

[SecretDissociation]

I'm the same.
though I find it changes very much on who the therapist is and how much you trust em.

I had one therapist who I could disclose my suicidal thoughts to, so I could actually talk about pretty much everything (except plans ofc) and that made talking in therapy way easier, also this therapist didn't judge me for taking like 5 business days to think of what to say.

Then I had a different therapist and it was completely different. It felt like I was being interrogated, so I didn't disclose everything and that made the therapy sorta awkward.

It does sound like they were telling you off, cause yeah you can't see quarks under a microscope, hell you can't even get a lone quark by itself (to my knowledge), so that therapist needs to check himself.



If they actually said this, that's strange, cause it was one phrase.
I personally think from the information you've provided that he was trying to say, ah this xxx amount of hope is visible under a microscope so it exists and can be worked upon and grow. I'm just spitballing here.
So he possibly got frustrated (raised voice, stopping the conversation in its tracks with his authority) because he couldn't move the conversation where he wanted to?
I hope you understand what I'm trying to convey, but I've conveyed it terribly. sorry 'bout that.

Thank's for the words, they are helpful. I know that he was trying to say yeah we can work with that. But man why do they have to be so authoritative? I just think it's not something I'm looking for. And I'm still overanalysing that day. This sht affects people and like he could've said it much nicer :(. I do get what he was trying to say, and I was trying to roll with it. Idk all this just makes me blame myself - im tired.

(Also I understand you don't apologise you did it well <3)

Idk what else happened in that session and I don't want to protect the therapist but I think the therapist just wanted to say that you should have a little bit more hope than almost 0 hope.

I understood immediately what you wanted to say - it's so difficult to have hope when there is almost no hope.

It's not your fault at all!!!

Thank's for the reassurance. That checks out. It makes sense he was trying to say that. *hugs*

 

[whywere]

One of the problems that arise with medical, dental, mental health is ego. I have had through the decades so VERY many "professionals" who proclaimed to know so much and had an air about themselves that was sickening to say the least. Guess what? They knew squat and just had a lingo of fancy words.

I have been kicked out of places before because I had the audacity to question something and/or ask questions and out I went.

My heart goes out to you, and you are a strong soul who will do great, it just takes some time and effort to find a great team to help. After a car crash that I was in it took 4 pain clinics and almost 2 years to find a pain doctor who is just the most kind, caring and thoughtful person ever.

Hugs, caring thoughts and well wishes to you, my good friend.

Walter

 

[FoxSauce]

Is ok dude

At least your trying to show up even when it's darn difficult so it's fine. If you think dbt isn't helping you and your needs then you decide what to do.

What your Therapist expressed was really unprofessional to say the least. He could've at least asked why you felt that way (ik you did explain bit still) or try to do some techniques.

Yeah sometimes doctors can have an ego problem and I'm really sorry you went through that. You deserve to be heard and respected.

Your a strong person at least your trying to do better than none at all. If you want to give it another try you can ask for a different therapist?

Virtual tight hugs with pats on the back! ♡

 

[SecretDissociation]

One of the problems that arise with medical, dental, mental health is ego. I have had through the decades so VERY many "professionals" who proclaimed to know so much and had an air about themselves that was sickening to say the least. Guess what? They knew squat and just had a lingo of fancy words.

I have been kicked out of places before because I had the audacity to question something and/or ask questions and out I went.

My heart goes out to you, and you are a strong soul who will do great, it just takes some time and effort to find a great team to help. After a car crash that I was in it took 4 pain clinics and almost 2 years to find a pain doctor who is just the most kind, caring and thoughtful person ever.

Hugs, caring thoughts and well wishes to you, my good friend.

Walter

Thank you! You are strong too, it must have taken a lot to keep trying to find places and people that will understand you <3

Is ok dude

At least your trying to show up even when it's darn difficult so it's fine. If you think dbt isn't helping you and your needs then you decide what to do.

What your Therapist expressed was really unprofessional to say the least. He could've at least asked why you felt that way (ik you did explain bit still) or try to do some techniques.

Yeah sometimes doctors can have an ego problem and I'm really sorry you went through that. You deserve to be heard and respected.

Your a strong person at least your trying to do better than none at all. If you want to give it another try you can ask for a different therapist?

Virtual tight hugs with pats on the back! ♡

I think maybe I will try again one day. I just want to be heard and respected like you said. Thank you for kind words <3 *Hugs back to you*

 

[FoxSauce]

Thank you! You are strong too, it must have taken a lot to keep trying to find places and people that will understand you <3


I think maybe I will try again one day. I just want to be heard and respected like you said. Thank you for kind words <3 *Hugs back to you*

Is alright take your time!

The most important thing your comftable with yourself and your Therapist. Theres times for everything!