Venting I'm doing kinda good but I still want to die sometimes

[Kimlett]

I mean, life is struggling all the time, problems are waiting around the corner. I'm sick and tired of battling depression and trying to convince myself that life is worth the pain. I'm trying to improve my life but it's so fucking slow, and there's no guarantee. It would be easier if I just died. I just feel like staying in bed.

I don't have much things to cope. I'd love to binge eat junk food but I managed to stay binge eating free for more than a month and I want to keep going. I vape hoping it kills me but I don't think that stuff is as bad as cigarretes. I'm losing interest in videogames and movies. I have some artistic projects that excite me sometimes, but I procrastinate and I don't feel like doing it and all that, you know. I have a wonderful boyfriend but I just can't stop thinking about my ex. Fuck me. My body disgusts me but I have some hope in changing it.

Life is booooring, I feel saaaad, I wish to do drugs and lose consciousness. I don't know what else to say, just rambling. If you read all this and you don't know whether to post a comment or not, please do. Anything helps. Thanks

 

[Regen]

I can understand that well. I also fight every day and often ask myself why.

For two years I have been listening to a wonderful YouTuber who teaches mindfulness and meditation and following an Instagrammer on similar topics. Things have gotten a little better since then. When I'm feeling down, I listen to podcasts and recovery videos, I listen to healing frequencies, even though I can't always meditate in the traditional way, but just letting his voice wash over me makes me feel less desperate.

Working with my inner child has also helped me.

And I have decided to stop fighting the suicidal thoughts. I accept that this dark side is a part of me and always will be. I made friends with the dark part. But that doesn't mean I'm following my suicidal friend's suggestions! Suicidality and I have become friends. Things have gotten a lot better since then. Maybe because my inner child feels heard and seen.

When I'm having a difficult time, I try not to be too destructive and wait until things get better.

It is difficult. I understand you. I'm sorry if my words don't quite fit. It is not easy.

 

[Kimlett]

I can understand that well. I also fight every day and often ask myself why.

For two years I have been listening to a wonderful YouTuber who teaches mindfulness and meditation and following an Instagrammer on similar topics. Things have gotten a little better since then. When I'm feeling down, I listen to podcasts and recovery videos, I listen to healing frequencies, even though I can't always meditate in the traditional way, but just letting his voice wash over me makes me feel less desperate.

Working with my inner child has also helped me.

And I have decided to stop fighting the suicidal thoughts. I accept that this dark side is a part of me and always will be. I made friends with the dark part. But that doesn't mean I'm following my suicidal friend's suggestions! Suicidality and I have become friends. Things have gotten a lot better since then. Maybe because my inner child feels heard and seen.

When I'm having a difficult time, I try not to be too destructive and wait until things get better.

It is difficult. I understand you. I'm sorry if my words don't quite fit. It is not easy.

Thanks for your answer. I've tried meditating but I just feel too uncomfortable doing it. I do watch recovery videos, I have a playlist of comforting videos to watch when I feel sad. Being able to openly talk about it in this forum and with some close friends is also very helpful.

 

[Regen]

Yes, I also find classic meditation (sitting quietly) too difficult for me!
I listen to guided meditation in which the teacher talks unusually much. I also like walking meditation in the forest. My plan is that my brain will be fed with healing affirmations and thoughts during this time and won't have time to get lost in negative thoughts at that moment. This is how I reprogram my brain over time. Recovery is really very difficult and frustrating at times. Nevertheless, today I'm glad that I stuck with it. I wish you courage, strength and hope to carry on!

 

[ropeburns&migranes]

I wasn't sure if I should comment this but your post seemed insistent, for me something that really helps is running. Any form of getting your body moving honestly. It's not even a "I need to make my body look better" thing, it's just to keep my mind pacified. Running may be a bit uncomfortable and you may need to work up to a comfortable speed so you don't get cramps right away, but for me being sweaty and so out breath that my ears ring makes it worth it so the bad thoughts go away for a bit. I'm not sure if it'll be the same for you but thought it was worth mentioning

 

[Kimlett]

I wasn't sure if I should comment this but your post seemed insistent, for me something that really helps is running. Any form of getting your body moving honestly. It's not even a "I need to make my body look better" thing, it's just to keep my mind pacified. Running may be a bit uncomfortable and you may need to work up to a comfortable speed so you don't get cramps right away, but for me being sweaty and so out breath that my ears ring makes it worth it so the bad thoughts go away for a bit. I'm not sure if it'll be the same for you but thought it was worth mentioning

Thanks. I have a stationary bike and I use it from time to time, but never to the extent to end up exhausted. Maybe I should try running when I lose enough weight so I don't hurt my knees. But my relationship with exercise is complicated, like with most of things XD

 

[Gangrel]

Life sure is a sisyphus thing