Discussion I'm delaying for no good reason

[Punished snake]

Despite having already found a location, bought the material and did some tests, there's still something holding me back. Is it survival instinct? Is it homeostasis? The body finds its own balance even if it's shit, I think. I know 90% that my life won't get better anytime soon and it's only gonna get worst for everyone of my family in the short term, but I'm still being hold back by something I can't describe, a mix of fear of being found/fear of failure/last flicker of hope and such bullshit.
When someone wants to die he does it immediately, it seems I don't want it hard enough despite my situation.

 

[406blue]

Despite having already found a location, bought the material and did some tests, there's still something holding me back. Is it survival instinct? Is it homeostasis? The body finds its own balance even if it's shit, I think. I know 90% that my life won't get better anytime soon and it's only gonna get worst for everyone of my family in the short term, but I'm still being hold back by something I can't describe, a mix of fear of being found/fear of failure/last flicker of hope and such bullshit.
When someone wants to die he does it immediately, it seems I don't want it hard enough despite my situation.

Also there's the fear of damage inflicted on anyone close to you, or someone who finds you, the details of how all the shit is going to have to be sorted out by people afterwards. I have similar feelings and constantly seem to go from extremes of wanting to live or die. After quite a while of all this, i kind of go with the roll.. live with the alcohol and benzos, try to manufacture a 'future' or make plans, go to the woods in the middle of the night with the gear, back out and then repeat. It is a kind of living hell in some ways but my impression is that i'd rather live, quite obviously. Just rather as a different person which i'm still hoping might magically appear. I know deep inside that it won't but feel that this process is one that needs to take place in order to get to the end game, and try not to get too stressed about it. Sometimes this process isn't very easy, for sure. I feel for you. Perhaps have faith that there might be a natural process going on and while it might not be pleasant it is necessary. The only time i feel like life is remotely viable is when i have a packet of cigarettes and a bottle of wine or two and some benzos at hand, and it's been like that for decades. It's not sustainable from a mental or physical health point of view and so i imagine eventually i will be compelled to the next level, with less prevarication.

 

[Aesthler]

Despite having already found a location, bought the material and did some tests, there's still something holding me back. Is it survival instinct? Is it homeostasis? The body finds its own balance even if it's shit, I think. I know 90% that my life won't get better anytime soon and it's only gonna get worst for everyone of my family in the short term, but I'm still being hold back by something I can't describe, a mix of fear of being found/fear of failure/last flicker of hope and such bullshit.
When someone wants to die he does it immediately, it seems I don't want it hard enough despite my situation.

These are natural feelings, I think we all secretly delay as much as possible. Maybe subconsciously were hoping that it can get better and maybe it can get better depending on the situation. It's a truly strange internal struggle. But yeah like you said when you've finally come to grips with your decision you'll make the move, even if it's not suicide and it's instead getting help.

 

[Punished snake]

My method is partially suspended hanging and I've seen its actually very easy to perform. You're right, it's a strange blend of fear, hope and homeostasis called Survival Instinct

 

[Salvacion]

These are natural feelings, I think we all secretly delay as much as possible. Maybe subconsciously were hoping that it can get better and maybe it can get better depending on the situation. It's a truly strange internal struggle. But yeah like you said when you've finally come to grips with your decision you'll make the move, even if it's not suicide and it's instead getting help.

The thought of leaving messes for others ... especially financial... really scares me. More guilty. But worse if here

 

[Punished snake]

I can't make myself faint by pressing the neck, I'm getting something wrong but I'm sure the rope will do the job well

 

[Punished snake]

The thought of leaving messes for others ... especially financial... really scares me. More guilty. But worse if here

At least I won't leave any of it. Biggest mess I can live is a vegetable: me, if I fail.

 

[Caustic Cardinals]

I am now in a position where it is very difficult for me to procure necessary supplies or equipment. My sister however a few years ago borrowed to never return my 10 gauge shotgun I wish I still had it.

 

[Shay]

Wanting to figure out best method that's reliable and I can do without screwing up. I can't have a failed attempt. It's so confusing.

 

[Final Escape]

Despite having already found a location, bought the material and did some tests, there's still something holding me back. Is it survival instinct? Is it homeostasis? The body finds its own balance even if it's shit, I think. I know 90% that my life won't get better anytime soon and it's only gonna get worst for everyone of my family in the short term, but I'm still being hold back by something I can't describe, a mix of fear of being found/fear of failure/last flicker of hope and such bullshit.
When someone wants to die he does it immediately, it seems I don't want it hard enough despite my situation.

Even when acutely suicidal in the depths of adderall hell something kept me holding on even though my life is pretty miserable. Its because you have a tiny bit of self love trying to keep you alive. A little bit of narcissism. I don't think it's survival instinct keeping me alive it's probably narcissism lol!

 

[Morning Angel]

Survival instinct is quite a bitch. I should have left months ago, but now have to manually switch it off with benzos. Really hope this is enough.

 

[NOISYMIND]

It happens to us all and it's only natural. Survival instinct and the mixture of fears are the last and the greatest enemy to beat. I wish I could overcome either the fear of dying or the fear of living very soon.

 

[throwaway123]

same here.

I don't think anybody truly wants to die. We're all just in situations with no solutions. We are forced to go this way because it's the only way.

 

[nolm]

This feeling is a real bitch. Knowing nothing's going to get better, being committed and prepared to take the final step, and then backing out at the very last second. Depending on my mood I'll either take it as a sign to stay or hate myself even more for bitching out.

 

[Kev]

Yup, completely natural. Humans may have evolved a massive cerebral cortex and thus sentience and rationality, but at the end of the day, the core of what we are is subject to the control of our primitive instincts. It takes an enormous amount of willpower to CTB, which is why many suicides are "impulsive": done when pain and suffering is at such a huge peak that it allows for the survival instinct to finally be overridden by the need to end the pain.

 

[Jon86]

It's strange how it seems so many with no hope stick around for years, yet kids with nearly everything (health, family, looks, etc.) ctb so quickly/impulsively after a break up or public embarrassment. These kids are still filled with energy and pain hits them harder then many of use here who have somewhat accepted life is shit.

One my of old buddies who did ctb had so much going for him in life but he always had an 'angry' side and impulsivity. He did have demons and he expressed them violently, openly (drinking, fighting, sleeping around, etc.), he always had energy. I'm more in a comatose state, my emotion is dark, cynical, apathetic and zombie like. He left with everyone shocked, i've been depressed for a decade, i'm expected to die.

Being, cathartic depressed almost makes it harder to ctb as it is basically harder to to anything, besides sleeping.

 

[406blue]

It's strange how it seems so many with no hope stick around for years, yet kids with nearly everything (health, family, looks, etc.) ctb so quickly/impulsively after a break up or public embarrassment. These kids are still filled with energy and pain hits them harder then many of use here who have somewhat accepted life is shit.

One my of old buddies who did ctb had so much going for him in life but he always had an 'angry' side and impulsivity. He did have demons and he expressed them violently, openly (drinking, fighting, sleeping around, etc.), he always had energy. I'm more in a comatose state, my emotion is dark, cynical, apathetic and zombie like. He left with everyone shocked, i've been depressed for a decade, i'm expected to die.

Being, cathartic depressed almost makes it harder to ctb as it is basically harder to to anything, besides sleeping.

Good point, well made.

 

[Punished snake]

That's right, it creates a new balance

 

[Candour]

I know exactly how you feel, I've been holding out for the past 3 months, however, just this morning I've put the final plans into place. So it will be happening this week. Finally.

 

[Punished snake]

I know exactly how you feel, I've been holding out for the past 3 months, however, just this morning I've put the final plans into place. So it will be happening this week. Finally.

What are you gonna do?

 

[Candour]

What are you gonna do?

Jumping off a high cliff

 

[Miss clefable]

Jumping off a high cliff

Where are u from

 

[throwaway123]

Jumping off a high cliff

Nice, I'm jumping too but not from a cliff. I'm using a bridge.

Good luck!

 

[Candour]

Nice, I'm jumping too but not from a cliff. I'm using a bridge.

Good luck!

Thank you, you too.

 

[Candour]

Where are u from

I'm keeping all that stuff quiet till the day. It's a public forum, and we never know who's looking. I just don't want anything to go wrong.

 

[Miss clefable]

I'm keeping all that stuff quiet till the day. It's a public forum, and we never know who's looking. I just don't want anything to go wrong.

Hugs okay