Venting I'm back with a bang and I have a question too

[ctb_warrior]

Hi all

I had been away lately.

The update is: i ordered SN after realising that it's an easier method to implement once we have it

It is on its way. And should be delivered by Wednesday.

I have a couple of challenges:

1. I live with my family so it should come when everyone's having their afternoon nap, so it's easy for me to sneak it in without being caught. If the delivery happens when everyone's active, it'll be a tough situation for me to explain why i have ordered a chemical compound. They don't eat meat at my home so i can't say that i have bought it to make curing salt. There's no casual experiments that are done with SN that I can excuse with. If I don't tell anything, it'll create more suspicion. My family questions every parcel that comes.
2. My father and his intuition. I hid a flavoured vodka small bottle in an almirah very carefully at an angle where it's difficult to find. When i opened the almirah in the evening yesterday, it was gone. So, basically, it was seen by my father even when I hid it well. So, i don't know how to hide the SN. I have ordered 1Kg of it. So I'm wondering how to hide it such that no one finds it or if they find it, they don't suspect it.
3. The SN that I have ordered is Sodium nitrite extra pure. I have to depend on it that it's actually sodium nitrite and not some other compound like sodium nitrate. And it has to be >= 95% pure. I don't have the aquarium strip kit and i don't have sufficient time to do it while living with my parents.. Talking about blood test, I'm scared to cut some part of my skin to use blood to test the change in coloration. So, that's a risk I'll have to take.
4. As I live with family, I'm given meals at fixed time. And SN method needs me to fast for 8 hours. So, I'll have to see how I can excuse out of my night meal
5. I'm taking medicines for major depressive disorder and my family monitors it closely that I'm taking it or not. I don't know how will those medicines interact with SN. Will they cause it to potentiate or will they slow it down or may be convert SN into still less harmful. I take lithium, zupion and naltima. Has any one got any idea?
6. As it'll be a CTB attempt, police will get involved. They may involve newspaper journalists too for covering the news. All of this will be quite a harassment for my family members apart from the trauma of loss. The environment of my home will forever change into depressed one. Plus the hassle of documentations, legal stuff, bank, bills, etc and harassment from newspaper journalists. And newspaper journalists will publish my method too that SN was used. It can cause govt to regulate SN supply further. On the other hand, i feel, it's a now or never situation for me. I have waited to ctb for 23 years. And if the SN is pure, it could be greatest chance yet. In the future, SN is going to be as scarcely available as N. So, in the future, I'll only have CO method to depend upon which is easy on theory but difficult to setup a successful attempt

So, if i can overcome all of these challenges, i can possibly ctb successfully coming week.

Interestingly, i told some of the ppl in my life that I'm going to ctb soon.
I received the following kind of reactions:

1. A friend stopped talking to me out of anger
2. Another friend blocked me
3. Other friends counselled me
4. One of them threatened that they'll call police on me
5. Another friend asked his female friend to flirt with me to distract my mind
6. Some of them just ghosted me

Isn't it weird, that once you tell ppl that you are depressed/suicidal they start running away and when you are dead, they'll talk about mental health and it's importance and how they could have helped we contacted them about our problem. Hypocrites!!!
Some would say good words about you while others may say that you deserved this fate lol.

Only some handful of humans are angelic in nature who really want to help selflessly and humanity is still alive due to the handful of them.

Humans are weird creatures. Animals are better than humans. If you feed an animal once, they'll be loyal to you for their life except snakes. Humans are quite similar to snakes, if you think you'll feed them and they'll be loyal to you, think again, they are more likely to bite you after they are done feeding.

I wrote a msg to one of my ex about my intention to ctb, just to see her response, in the msg i described everything in detail, i expected that she will msg me and say, please don't do that. Interestingly, she read it but she left me on seen. That idiot girl is cheating on her current boyfriend too. God knows what's wrong with humanity.

 

[hevnsfall]

1. That i do not know.
2. Can you hide it a shoebox in your room?
3. The purity is good. How much do you weigh? Do you have meto and antacids?
4. You can chew food and spit it in an opaque cup of water to pretend you ate. You can also play with the food and mush it up to reduce the volume. The last resort would be to throw it up.
5. The PPH guidebook actually states to not interrupt your normal treatment whatsoever. There is no interaction.
6. Like you said, it's a now or never situation for you. Besides.. it's not like it would be a total surprise for everyone. You have been suffering for a long time.


Telling your peers that you intend to ctb seems like a major mistake. You risk having your sn seized and also having your family notified and also being guarded even more. Stealth is key here.

 

[balladeer]

Welcome back!! I missed your presence here it certainly did make the website seem a bit lonelier... atleast to me. And that all sounds so exhausting I can't even imagine having to put up with it, you're a very resilient person I hope it all goes well brother humans are such filthy creatures

 

[ctb_warrior]

1. That i do not know.
2. Can you hide it a shoebox in your room?
3. The purity is good. How much do you weigh? Do you have meto and antacids?
4. You can chew food and spit it in an opaque cup of water to pretend you ate. You can also play with the food and mush it up to reduce the volume. The last resort would be to throw it up.
5. The PPH guidebook actually states to not interrupt your normal treatment whatsoever. There is no interaction.
6. Like you said, it's a now or never situation for you. Besides.. it's not like it would be a total surprise for everyone. You have been suffering for a long time.


Telling your peers that you intend to ctb seems like a major mistake. You risk having your sn seized and also having your family notified and also being guarded even more. Stealth is key here.

Thanks for your reply
Hmmm interesting, you kinda read my mind.
I have two different rooms and in one of the rooms, there's an empty shoe box. I was thinking of storing SN boxes 500gm x 2 in it, if they can be accommodated inside it.

I'm 100kg so 35gm SN will be needed though i don't have a weighing machine in the kitchen so I'll have to estimate it using tablespoon.
I don't have meto yet, but i think i can get it in India. I have to try it out. If meto is not available, then I'll have to depend on avomine. Antacids - i have a bottle of liquid antacid.

Regarding food, I'll tell them that I'm having acidity so I'll not eat in the evening to give break to my digestive system

That's really good.. It's such a relief to hear that my current meds won't interrupt ctb attempt.

Yes, it's a now or never situation. And my parents know that i have been suicidal. That's why lithium is being administered to me. However, I'm suicidal not because of depression but it's a conscious choice so lithium can't change my mind on that. The only thing i was concerned about the trauma and harassment that my parents will have to go through.. I'll write a suicide note to make it easier for them.
I'll write that no one's responsible for my death and it's my conscious decision to choose death over life and there's nothing they or anyone else could have done to change my mind regarding this. I'll write my method that i used poison to kill myself. And I'll ask them to not do any further investigation as i don't want my parents to get harassed by the legalities. I'll put it as my last wish. I'll have to convert my postpaid phones to prepaid so that will be taken care of.
I'll have to add nominees to my bank accounts so that none of my money gets absorbed by the bank, and my family can get that. So, may be I'll leave those applications as well with my signature if i can't do it using phone banking.


I'm also confused if i should schedule emails to all my friends telling them about it or not. Because, once I'm gone and my numbers are off, they'll have absolutely no way to reach my parents to get the news. So, most of them will probably know of it after months and even years... I don't mind that though. But I'm just thinking if out of courtesy i should leave those emails to them. There's some idiot friends in my life as well whom I wish to tell this so they'd understand that my suicidal thoughts weren't attention seeking mechanism but real ctb thoughts. But anyways, once I'm gone, that'll no longer matter to me. So, the only thing that actually bothers is the trauma I'll leave behind for my family. Luckily I'm not married and have no partner, so atleast that's a good part.

Stealth... Very true!!!!
I literally felt i should have stayed silent. Why i actually told them was because i didn't want them to think that i ghosted them or I'm angry with them which is why i cut my ties. As they'd have no way to know that I'm no more, it'll be a mystery forever for them, if i disconnected with them due to some misunderstanding or grudge.

I'll have to be ultra careful with execution of this entire ctb plan.

I just went to the room where that shoe box is kept, i realised my father has rearranged those boxes lately, so I guess, it could be a safe place that he will not touch in near future (hope so)


Thanks again for your suggestions it means a lot

Welcome back!! I missed your presence here it certainly did make the website seem a bit lonelier... atleast to me. And that all sounds so exhausting I can't even imagine having to put up with it, you're a very resilient person I hope it all goes well brother humans are such filthy creatures

Thanks for the warm welcome
Yeah, even I was missing all of you.. i was banned as i happened to break some forum rules out of lack of awareness.. Thankfully the mods understood and reinstated my account. Meanwhile, I used to lurk on the site. And I often used to set your comments on posts and miss interacting with you.
Hehe yes these challenges are making me nervous as one small mistake and the attempt can be foiled. There's no room for mistakes this time. Thank you
True, humans are filthy creatures, pretty selfish, they will disappear once they realise we are of no value to them.

It's this SaSu community that has real humans who care irrespective of all the possible barriers and demarcations.