I just lost my only friend and my Psych NP.
My Psych NP is psychopathic.
Damn it.
My friend was a selfish bitch, but I kept texting at her because I needed to talk about things and know I said them to someone, not just the void. See, she doesn't respond to my texts unless she's feeling bored or wants to complain about something that she's already complained about to everyone else.
Thing is, she's conservative but delusional about it because she keeps trying to distance herself from Trumpers. She went from Trumper > conservative > "centrist?" > "social democrat???"
You probably wondered how I ended up here! Let's start from the beginning.
I am being so serious when I say my Psych NP is psychopathic.
Listen...the WHIPLASH
I've been seeing him for around 2 1/2 years, now. The whole time, he's been showing his Trumper more and more and more.
Listen.
I have beef with Reps. I have ALL the beef. Where's the Beef? It's right here.
I want ALL THE SMOKE. Where's the smoke? It's in the smoker, bring it over here so I can put my head in it because I want ALL OF THE SMOKE.
It started with me making a facetious statement, "I don't want to get pregnant and die here." We live in a RED state. This is important: My town is RED RED RED RED RED RED RED. It's vermillion. He's in a nearby big city, and I'm in a small town.
180. I was like, Oh! Christian Nationalist! ...welp...
I'm a multiple minority who is atheist, anti-theist, and have the personal opinion that I am more Christ-like than any Republican who has ever existed. Even Abraham MF Lincoln.
I've been disrespecting myself because it's so hard to find a Vyvanse prescriber who doesn't care about THC. He was a breath of fresh air after my Psychiatrist who I saw for all of 5 minutes to talk about my medication and nothing else. I told the doctor I don't think he knows me because I didn't understand my Bipolar Disorder diagnosis. He never talked about it. I asked in the middle of the last session. The voices were raised. The statement, "This isn't therapy," was made.
Lines.
My NP sells "holistic provider," so he's easy to talk to because he wants to hear about your life.
Except when his personal views are causing suffering for the psychiatrically disabled patient sitting in front of him.
"I think you care more about propriety than humanity. This is a problem I have with medical professionals. There's no emotional support."
"This isn't therapy."
Guys.
It takes 4 seconds to think of something if you care. I'm just saying...
Eventually it was too much when I was pouring my heart out about invisible disabilities, and he was sooooo silent. And he only made one clarifying statement. I said something like, People think we're just lying around having fun, but nobody wants to be holed up in their bedroom, sitting around and doing nothing 24/7. They just don't understand. He said, "It's deeper than that."
Surprising and typical? Like. Yes, exactly. But you got anything else to say???
He's never understood anything I was ever explaining about people. I tried to explain how our world paradigms are different, and he was completely missing the point every time he tried to check his understanding. It was after that I realized that he always acted as if he couldn't understand a concept he'd never had time to wrap his head around.
Baby, you got a Master's Degree. But that's the thing.
Military. Search and Rescue, at that. Promotes it on his website? Virtue Signaling. Patriot
. Went into healthcare to help people with mental illness. Board-certified Savior of the Suffering
BIG BIG BIGGEST BULLSHIT
He's so racist, he cannot control his rage at me calling BRIGADIER GENERAL HARRIET TUBMAN an American Hero. (The answer to the question could be found on Modern Google.) OVER ANDREW JACKSON. Andrew Jackson? Heard of him? Genocided the Native Americans? Why is he revered over her??? Instant Rage.
When he's offended, he stiffens and goes from happy listening to pissed off and stiff.
I kept hoping that something I said would trigger some intellectual curiosity in him. But no.
Christian Nationalist, Racist, Ableist, Capitalist, ANTI-INTELLECTUAL, Trump DICK-RIDER
He got offended about me joking that I wanted to go to The Hamptons to observe the wealthy in their natural habitat. Funny.
To me.
"They're just like everybody else."
He's an NP. How rich can he be? I said I wanted to go to The Hamptons to observe the wealthy in their natural habitat, bitch. Not $250K, at most. That's upper-middle class these days, bud.
The session it all came out is what I call, The Gas Leak Session. (like Community)
I fawned because he was so rageful. I live where I live. I thought we could negotiate. Apparently not when you're a psychopath and not just selfish.
I'm ok with my ableist statement. It can go both ways. (I am also physically disabled, if that makes it more tolerable.)
He looked like I feel when I'm at the height of my anger. When I can't move because something unknown might happen. Will I fight the person? Will I throw an object? Will I become a murderer??? Who knows? I can't move.
People tell me I have dead eyes when I'm smiling. My smile doesn't reach my eyes.
At our latest session, he told me he was intimidated by the fact that I notice everything but don't say anything. My clocking skills are apparently too good for him to emotionally handle. I knew when I looked at him that he hated being perceived. I described his persona exactly. Diligent. Hard-working. Educated. Trustworthy.
Offended.
Your Buddy. Your Pal.
I told him I liked his buddy guy thing.
Offended, naturally.
Hates being perceived.
Personally, I only hate being perceived by people who I think would have a reason to harm me. I would love for someone to see me and accept who I am and what I want this world to be.
When I looked into his eyes, there was nothing but darkness and heat. Sweltering heat that you can feel but not see. Rage.
He'd never looked at me like that before. But he never forced himself to sit in his anger. He needs to do it to the point of acceptance. Acceptance of who he is and what that means to the world.
I was so confused and freaked. I thought he was just a Republican. I had a funny fantasy that he was a Dennis/Armie Hammer. I liked Armie Hammer! He has a weird ass kink that he would slowly reveal to be a fetish to his mistressses, cheated on his wife, and brought his children to his meetups because it was his turn to take care of them. Dickheaded and dark-sided. But this? No. Armie is a gaping rosebud and Dennis is not a real person.
This guy's mask is cracked. So is mine. I can look through mine and to see his. And I saw that something was hidden in there. But not quite what.
It took a couple of days, but I thought to myself; I said, "Self, think like a Republican. You know these people." There was a Charlie Kirk memorial gathering in my town. I thought about all the comments I've seen with baby Reps being all, He was a God-fearing man who was spreading his word to the people. See. I'M MORE CHRIST-LIKE.
I came to the conclusion that he probably didn't understand what was happening in The Gas Leak session. He was hurt that I was being mean. So, I sent him a message laying everything out because I hadn't done that. I started the session by listing the slip-ups, and I just told him that I only wanted to see his persona, not his real self. Like, bro, get a grip. Bear the suffering. It's not hard. I do it every day.
I never told you what I do for a living. It's this.
But then.
He didn't respond. For weeks. Well. We'll just wait.
The suspense is terrible! I hope it'll last!
When the latest session came around, he didn't mention it. Just regular degular pleasantries. So I brought it up. I apologized for saying he acted like an android who was loaded with lines. and being so aggro. I explained that I see the patterns in people, and I know lines. He didn't apologize. In the message, I told him that my chosen purpose is to heal. To be seen by people like me. Child abuse victims who are forgotten. Forsaken. To take pain. Because I can. I've been screaming my whole life; I can do it for everybody else. That his racist response to the Harriet Tubman comment hurt me deeply because my father was a Black serviceman who was proud to serve, and he died homeless and disabled. And despite my crying to him, I was still going forward to confront him for all of us. No apology. No sympathy at all. Not even aware that normal people know when they are supposed to act sympathetic. Clueless about people.
How does he get away with being so translucent? Not transparent, because it's easy to believe in an isolated situation if you want to. But when you're looking for a person and you can't see one...that's fucky.
He tried. He really did. He's just bad. He's just real unskilled. And untalented. Disappointing. Because vets who did traumatizing jobs always come out cracked. Just cracked wide open. Broken like an egg.
I was right the whole time! Fuck yeah!
She said sardonically.
I have this Doomsday ring:
It's because I'm a Doomsayer.
I hate it.
He was overly nice and wouldn't let me get off the call. Like...he took the "I thought I was telling someone who hated me to hide it better." And went to fully hide. Bro. Bro. You're doing it wrong. You're going too hard in the wrong direction. Allow me to demonstrate.
Instruction:
When am I going to start respecting myself?
I guess now's the time. I've been procrastinating planning my Going Away Tour because I do that. I struggle to work because my HYPERVIGILANCE is all-caps.
Anxiety is at 11.
Why not just make 10 louder?
I wish Charlie Kirk had changed instead of being assassinated. But Reps have such big egos. They all think they'll be safe in each others' company.
I'm begging y'all to look at the real consequences of your actions instead of what you think they should be. "This isn't supposed to happen. That isn't supposed to happen. Those are outliers, so ignore those." Guys.
Ridiculous people tbqhwy.
Oh, and my "friend?" Well, as I was spiraling, I messaged her, "Tell me to stop." So she did. But she kept going. She told me that I was too obsessed with him because I'd been complaining for weeks. It was not that many weeks. It was the same month. I should just keep going if I want to or leave if not. Right. Yes. I'm a reasonable individual. I cannot stand people with 0 self-awareness. Don't make me tell you about yourself; it's gonna get real nasty. I was explaining how he's the best provider I've seen, and he's perfectly pleasant if I ignore the real him that keeps jump-scaring me with bitch-made behavior. But I'm disrespecting myself by doing it, so what do I do?
And I was saying just this to him. I like you; you've done right by me as a provider.But you are a canker sore of a person. But I don't want to see you.
She told me my obsession is unhealthy. I told her that he's my pills guy this decision is hard. Yes, I'm obsessed. I'm at the end of my ROPE, dude. He suggested only seeing every 3 months, and I accepted.
I told her she was being disrespectful. Because I might be self-destructive and self-critical, but I'm also reasonable. I can muster a hell of a lot of painful self-awareness.
Then comes her, "I just don't know how to help you." Bitch, sympathy.
Then, all the years of bullshit come out. She thinks I'm selfish. She's offended that I never ask her about her life. I'm the most selfish person she's ever met.
Bitch, text me back then. It's been 4 mf years and I hear from you once every 3 months.
I understand how people are supposed to act. They play their part. She failed. "F" for Fake Fuck.
P.S.
I wanted to post this in my state's subreddit, but ableism isn't allowed there. But racism is allowed because my racial social justice post got downvoted to Hell. Hwhites.
Gregory.
Why do you want to take away the few rights the disabled have? At least with paltry disability, they can be homeless.
Greg.
Can you walk?
My Psych NP is psychopathic.
Damn it.
My friend was a selfish bitch, but I kept texting at her because I needed to talk about things and know I said them to someone, not just the void. See, she doesn't respond to my texts unless she's feeling bored or wants to complain about something that she's already complained about to everyone else.
Thing is, she's conservative but delusional about it because she keeps trying to distance herself from Trumpers. She went from Trumper > conservative > "centrist?" > "social democrat???"
You probably wondered how I ended up here! Let's start from the beginning.
I am being so serious when I say my Psych NP is psychopathic.
Listen...the WHIPLASH
I've been seeing him for around 2 1/2 years, now. The whole time, he's been showing his Trumper more and more and more.
Listen.
I have beef with Reps. I have ALL the beef. Where's the Beef? It's right here.
I want ALL THE SMOKE. Where's the smoke? It's in the smoker, bring it over here so I can put my head in it because I want ALL OF THE SMOKE.
It started with me making a facetious statement, "I don't want to get pregnant and die here." We live in a RED state. This is important: My town is RED RED RED RED RED RED RED. It's vermillion. He's in a nearby big city, and I'm in a small town.
180. I was like, Oh! Christian Nationalist! ...welp...
I'm a multiple minority who is atheist, anti-theist, and have the personal opinion that I am more Christ-like than any Republican who has ever existed. Even Abraham MF Lincoln.
I've been disrespecting myself because it's so hard to find a Vyvanse prescriber who doesn't care about THC. He was a breath of fresh air after my Psychiatrist who I saw for all of 5 minutes to talk about my medication and nothing else. I told the doctor I don't think he knows me because I didn't understand my Bipolar Disorder diagnosis. He never talked about it. I asked in the middle of the last session. The voices were raised. The statement, "This isn't therapy," was made.
Lines.
My NP sells "holistic provider," so he's easy to talk to because he wants to hear about your life.
Except when his personal views are causing suffering for the psychiatrically disabled patient sitting in front of him.
"I think you care more about propriety than humanity. This is a problem I have with medical professionals. There's no emotional support."
"This isn't therapy."
Guys.
It takes 4 seconds to think of something if you care. I'm just saying...
Eventually it was too much when I was pouring my heart out about invisible disabilities, and he was sooooo silent. And he only made one clarifying statement. I said something like, People think we're just lying around having fun, but nobody wants to be holed up in their bedroom, sitting around and doing nothing 24/7. They just don't understand. He said, "It's deeper than that."
Surprising and typical? Like. Yes, exactly. But you got anything else to say???
He's never understood anything I was ever explaining about people. I tried to explain how our world paradigms are different, and he was completely missing the point every time he tried to check his understanding. It was after that I realized that he always acted as if he couldn't understand a concept he'd never had time to wrap his head around.
Baby, you got a Master's Degree. But that's the thing.
Military. Search and Rescue, at that. Promotes it on his website? Virtue Signaling. Patriot
. Went into healthcare to help people with mental illness. Board-certified Savior of the SufferingBIG BIG BIGGEST BULLSHIT
He's so racist, he cannot control his rage at me calling BRIGADIER GENERAL HARRIET TUBMAN an American Hero. (The answer to the question could be found on Modern Google.) OVER ANDREW JACKSON. Andrew Jackson? Heard of him? Genocided the Native Americans? Why is he revered over her??? Instant Rage.
When he's offended, he stiffens and goes from happy listening to pissed off and stiff.
The $64,000 question: Why are all of the History teachers in K-12 COACHES? They have to teach a class to coach. So there they go to teach History.
Why is Black History Month the only month in which Black history is taught. And why do we only learn surface-level information about the same five Black people?
But bro we learned about Harriet Tubman. The surface should be enough.
Why is Black History Month the only month in which Black history is taught. And why do we only learn surface-level information about the same five Black people?
But bro we learned about Harriet Tubman. The surface should be enough.
I kept hoping that something I said would trigger some intellectual curiosity in him. But no.
Christian Nationalist, Racist, Ableist, Capitalist, ANTI-INTELLECTUAL, Trump DICK-RIDER
He got offended about me joking that I wanted to go to The Hamptons to observe the wealthy in their natural habitat. Funny.
To me.
"They're just like everybody else."
He's an NP. How rich can he be? I said I wanted to go to The Hamptons to observe the wealthy in their natural habitat, bitch. Not $250K, at most. That's upper-middle class these days, bud.
The session it all came out is what I call, The Gas Leak Session. (like Community)
I fawned because he was so rageful. I live where I live. I thought we could negotiate. Apparently not when you're a psychopath and not just selfish.
I'm ok with my ableist statement. It can go both ways. (I am also physically disabled, if that makes it more tolerable.)
He looked like I feel when I'm at the height of my anger. When I can't move because something unknown might happen. Will I fight the person? Will I throw an object? Will I become a murderer??? Who knows? I can't move.
People tell me I have dead eyes when I'm smiling. My smile doesn't reach my eyes.
At our latest session, he told me he was intimidated by the fact that I notice everything but don't say anything. My clocking skills are apparently too good for him to emotionally handle. I knew when I looked at him that he hated being perceived. I described his persona exactly. Diligent. Hard-working. Educated. Trustworthy.
Offended.
Your Buddy. Your Pal.
I told him I liked his buddy guy thing.
Offended, naturally.
Hates being perceived.
Personally, I only hate being perceived by people who I think would have a reason to harm me. I would love for someone to see me and accept who I am and what I want this world to be.
When I looked into his eyes, there was nothing but darkness and heat. Sweltering heat that you can feel but not see. Rage.
He'd never looked at me like that before. But he never forced himself to sit in his anger. He needs to do it to the point of acceptance. Acceptance of who he is and what that means to the world.
I was so confused and freaked. I thought he was just a Republican. I had a funny fantasy that he was a Dennis/Armie Hammer. I liked Armie Hammer! He has a weird ass kink that he would slowly reveal to be a fetish to his mistressses, cheated on his wife, and brought his children to his meetups because it was his turn to take care of them. Dickheaded and dark-sided. But this? No. Armie is a gaping rosebud and Dennis is not a real person.
This guy's mask is cracked. So is mine. I can look through mine and to see his. And I saw that something was hidden in there. But not quite what.
It took a couple of days, but I thought to myself; I said, "Self, think like a Republican. You know these people." There was a Charlie Kirk memorial gathering in my town. I thought about all the comments I've seen with baby Reps being all, He was a God-fearing man who was spreading his word to the people. See. I'M MORE CHRIST-LIKE.
I came to the conclusion that he probably didn't understand what was happening in The Gas Leak session. He was hurt that I was being mean. So, I sent him a message laying everything out because I hadn't done that. I started the session by listing the slip-ups, and I just told him that I only wanted to see his persona, not his real self. Like, bro, get a grip. Bear the suffering. It's not hard. I do it every day.
I never told you what I do for a living. It's this.
But then.
He didn't respond. For weeks. Well. We'll just wait.
The suspense is terrible! I hope it'll last!
When the latest session came around, he didn't mention it. Just regular degular pleasantries. So I brought it up. I apologized for saying he acted like an android who was loaded with lines. and being so aggro. I explained that I see the patterns in people, and I know lines. He didn't apologize. In the message, I told him that my chosen purpose is to heal. To be seen by people like me. Child abuse victims who are forgotten. Forsaken. To take pain. Because I can. I've been screaming my whole life; I can do it for everybody else. That his racist response to the Harriet Tubman comment hurt me deeply because my father was a Black serviceman who was proud to serve, and he died homeless and disabled. And despite my crying to him, I was still going forward to confront him for all of us. No apology. No sympathy at all. Not even aware that normal people know when they are supposed to act sympathetic. Clueless about people.
At my Autism testing result meeting, I was told that one of the reasons I don't fit the diagnostic criteria is that I understand social cues, I just don't know how to respond to them.
Yeah. I understand the language, but I can't speak it. Those are different.
I can see that he is not normal. Because I don't understand him. I gave up on normal because of the problem. Understand but can't speak.
Yeah. I understand the language, but I can't speak it. Those are different.
I can see that he is not normal. Because I don't understand him. I gave up on normal because of the problem. Understand but can't speak.
How does he get away with being so translucent? Not transparent, because it's easy to believe in an isolated situation if you want to. But when you're looking for a person and you can't see one...that's fucky.
He tried. He really did. He's just bad. He's just real unskilled. And untalented. Disappointing. Because vets who did traumatizing jobs always come out cracked. Just cracked wide open. Broken like an egg.
I was right the whole time! Fuck yeah!
She said sardonically.
I have this Doomsday ring:
It's because I'm a Doomsayer.
I hate it.
He was overly nice and wouldn't let me get off the call. Like...he took the "I thought I was telling someone who hated me to hide it better." And went to fully hide. Bro. Bro. You're doing it wrong. You're going too hard in the wrong direction. Allow me to demonstrate.
Instruction:
- I apologize for coming off that way. I'm very proud of my service, and I admit that I was offended.
- (If he'd educated himself.) I read about her, and I understand what you mean.
- And I'm deeply (deeply is important to push sincerity) ashamed that my reaction was disrespectful to your father. And all servicemen who fight for this country.
- I'd like us to be able to move forward with trust, and I will try to be more attentive and respectful.
When am I going to start respecting myself?
I guess now's the time. I've been procrastinating planning my Going Away Tour because I do that. I struggle to work because my HYPERVIGILANCE is all-caps.
Anxiety is at 11.
Why not just make 10 louder?
I wish Charlie Kirk had changed instead of being assassinated. But Reps have such big egos. They all think they'll be safe in each others' company.
I'm begging y'all to look at the real consequences of your actions instead of what you think they should be. "This isn't supposed to happen. That isn't supposed to happen. Those are outliers, so ignore those." Guys.
Ridiculous people tbqhwy.
Oh, and my "friend?" Well, as I was spiraling, I messaged her, "Tell me to stop." So she did. But she kept going. She told me that I was too obsessed with him because I'd been complaining for weeks. It was not that many weeks. It was the same month. I should just keep going if I want to or leave if not. Right. Yes. I'm a reasonable individual. I cannot stand people with 0 self-awareness. Don't make me tell you about yourself; it's gonna get real nasty. I was explaining how he's the best provider I've seen, and he's perfectly pleasant if I ignore the real him that keeps jump-scaring me with bitch-made behavior. But I'm disrespecting myself by doing it, so what do I do?
And I was saying just this to him. I like you; you've done right by me as a provider.
She told me my obsession is unhealthy. I told her that he's my pills guy this decision is hard. Yes, I'm obsessed. I'm at the end of my ROPE, dude. He suggested only seeing every 3 months, and I accepted.
I told her she was being disrespectful. Because I might be self-destructive and self-critical, but I'm also reasonable. I can muster a hell of a lot of painful self-awareness.
Then comes her, "I just don't know how to help you." Bitch, sympathy.
Then, all the years of bullshit come out. She thinks I'm selfish. She's offended that I never ask her about her life. I'm the most selfish person she's ever met.
Bitch, text me back then. It's been 4 mf years and I hear from you once every 3 months.
I understand how people are supposed to act. They play their part. She failed. "F" for Fake Fuck.
P.S.
I wanted to post this in my state's subreddit, but ableism isn't allowed there. But racism is allowed because my racial social justice post got downvoted to Hell. Hwhites.
Gregory.
Why do you want to take away the few rights the disabled have? At least with paltry disability, they can be homeless.
Greg.
Can you walk?
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