Venting I’m back. Maybe it’s a sign to go

[leyl]

And here i am again.
It's 2025, i'm 20.
I shouldn't be, i was supposed to be gone last year but here i am, somehow.
I know recovery isn't a straight line but god this is so hard. I'm here fighting that intense deep conviction to die all over again.
I thought it would get better, i got the therapy, i got the meds, i have a goal, a purpose
And for some moment in my life i felt happy and at peace…
so why am i drowning again?

What's the point of trying when even after getting "better" i still can get this bad out of nowhere?
Living and entire life like this? With all the OCD, CPTSD, the intrusive thoughts…just everything. I have to work so so hard to manage it all while also have to work hard to make something of this life.
For what? For me? I don't even really want it. Why chase it when there is always the eternal peace of death right there at my fingertips?
I am so useless here, god. So weirdly annoying. I just don't want to take so much space and resources. Just…
I just want to rest.

 

[MyShadow]

Ah, mental illness. The rollercoaster from Hell. Just when we think things are getting better, the whole thing just slides off the tracks and smashes into a kindergarten. Medication, therapy, positive thinking, breathing exercises, yoga and the lot is useless in the face of the demon that lives in our head. The whole thing can just fuck off and leave us in peace.

I am sorry that you are suffering again and hope that you can find that peace that we all need.

 

[getoutgirl]

I asked myself that at 20 too and then ever since on multiple ocassions. It sucks I'm sorry, I feel you though.
I wish I had the answer to this but I think it's just the nature of it. It definetly isn't a straight line and it often makes sure to make that very clear by plunging you and then feeling like you've lost years of progress and it's all for nothing, not even worth it. There's a tiiiiny bit of relief in knowing that's normal. But again, it mostly just sucks.
If anything I'm sure you have put a lot of effort and work in all this, and that is never acknowledged by people around you, so taking a quick moment to do so, you have fought hard and done more than you realise too. Whatever bit of joy you felt you earned it complete. And if for a moment there you were happy and at peace, it means that is a posibility for your future too.
So no matter what you do, I believe you can manage to feel better, that the mind can stop giving you that much shit again, and that you can get some rest without feeling as tired as you are now. All in all, I just wish you the best and hope things start improving for you. Big hug <3