Venting I’m an idiot (update on the situation with my ex-girlfriend)

[ThatStateOfMind]

I recently learned that, like many of you told me but I brushed you guys off because I thought I knew my ex better, she was talking to the guy she was with while we were together. It was in the last week and he convinced her to break up with me. It fucking hurts to hear it but it came from her, she said it was eating her alive.

I feel so close to ending it but she said she would kill herself if I killed myself. She said that it was only in the last week and over text. I might still kill myself. I have a shotgun, it'll be messy but it'll get the job done if I do it. She probably hates me and I don't blame her.

She said she loves me and still cares for me (she wouldn't directly say love but I did and she said "I still have those feelings for you"). It's throwing me for a huge loop and it's giving me a headache. I think I hurt her though unintentionally, I told her "Why would I care what you do if I'm dead" and she just seemed stunned.

I hated this conversation and she refuses to leave him because she said he'll eventually get tired of her anyways like he does with every girl and she wants to give him a fair chance, and she felt like there might be a second chance with me but not with him so idek bro.

All I ask of you guys is to please not be too harsh on me, I still love her and I can't help it. I still want her. I want to end it all at the same time, but those of you who said she was cheating on me, were pretty much right. God, I'm so fucking stupid for not seeing it sooner and I'm even more stupid for still loving her.

I wish I could give myself a heart attack or something so my death wouldn't be an obvious suicide and my mom wouldn't be as hurt, knowing I killed myself.

She also said that I should leave this forum as it's glorifying suicide, she holds a typical view of this site from an outside perspective. She even threatened to call the cops on me.

I explained that cops won't do shit, most they'll do is a wellness check, they don't have enough for a search warrant and even if they did, there's nothing here. She said "What about your wills, they would question it" and I said "It's not illegal to have a will, and younger people die every day, plus it's all digital".

I don't know guys, she still cares but did this to me, and as stupid as I sound, I still care and love her. I feel like she's somewhat of a victim because I treated her like shit and she was vulnerable.

I might end it all tonight, idk, I just don't see a light at the end of this tunnel.

 

[Disaster]

Would you be happy if she said something like "ok, I will stay with you even though I don't want to, because I don't want you to kill yourself"? Or do you go even further, expecting her to pretend to want to be with you? Or actually do you think she should actually want it, even though you say yourself that you treated her like shit?
I'm not convinced that "you're an idiot", but you certainly do manipulative things. How do you expect anyone to expect others to respect your choice to end your life if you'll decide to, if you refuse to accept another persons decision to not be in a romantic relationship with you?
This site is pro-choice, which means respecting peoples choices. It includes the choices about romantic partners. I'm not a fan of calling cops on reasonable people who after some considerations made a decision to end their lives, but I think if someone is manipulative and is trying to coerce someone into something with threads of suicide, it's perfectly reasonable to reduce this liability.
I hope you will create good relationships with people who are with you because they want to, not because they are manipulated. Until you learn that, it's reasonable to use every means to avoid the liability and drama.

 

[ThatStateOfMind]

Would you be happy if she said something like "ok, I will stay with you even though I don't want to, because I don't want you to kill yourself"? Or do you go even further, expecting her to pretend to want to be with you? Or actually do you think she should actually want it, even though you say yourself that you treated her like shit?
I'm not convinced that "you're an idiot", but you certainly do manipulative things. How do you expect anyone to expect others to respect your choice to end your life if you'll decide to, if you refuse to accept another persons decision to not be in a romantic relationship with you?
This site is pro-choice, which means respecting peoples choices. It includes the choices about romantic partners. I'm not a fan of calling cops on reasonable people who after some considerations made a decision to end their lives, but I think if someone is manipulative and is trying to coerce someone into something with threads of suicide, it's perfectly reasonable to reduce this liability.
I hope you will create good relationships with people who are with you because they want to, not because they are manipulated. Until you learn that, it's reasonable to use every means to avoid the liability and drama.

No I don't expect her to want anything, but that doesn't mean I'm not hurt by it. I respect her decision to not be with me, but it still hurts, especially learning that she cheated as well. I also wasn't threatening her with it, she's the one who brought it up during the call first, because she was worried I felt that way. I neither confirmed nor denied it and it escalated from there to what was said in my post. I told her if she doesn't want to be with me, I understand it because it wouldn't be out of pure love, but fear, and I meant it, but it isn't like something like that is gonna make me feel better.

The relationship ending wasn't the catalyst, but it was just another thing piled on for me.

 

[ThatStateOfMind]

She gets off work in 2 hours, I sent some messages that I hope she will reply to. Nothing pressuring, just me apologizing mainly. The call today was less than stellar and I'd like to end today on a higher note.

 

[SexyIncél]

I'm not convinced that "you're an idiot", but you certainly do manipulative things.

"Certainly"? I must've missed the part where he's certainly manipulating her with such threats; could you please quote it?

What we apparently do know is he just learned of her cheating. That seems manipulative, as well as her habit of having at least 2 or 3 relationships with guys who all try turning her against her current boyfriend

I still want her.

Do you have other people interested in you? Having other options makes you more attractive to certain kinds of people, and softens blows to the heart. What'd make you interested in another companion?

 

[ThatStateOfMind]

"Certainly"? I must've missed the part where he's certainly manipulating her with such threats; could you please quote it?

What we apparently do know is he just learned of her cheating. That seems manipulative, as well as her habit of having at least 2 or 3 relationships with guys who all try turning her against her current boyfriend


Do you have other people interested in you? Having other options makes you more attractive to certain kinds of people, and softens blows to the heart. What'd make you interested in another companion?

I don't feel I manipulated her but idk maybe I did. I feel very lost rn. And in that I was talking about her current boyfriend, who was turning her against me. Her previous boyfriend before me also didn't really like me, I don't know why because I didn't pursue her or like her because she was in a relationship.

And I don't really have anyone interested in me but I'm not really putting myself out there either, I am kind of afraid to, I just don't want that pain again and dating again sounds miserable. She just seemed perfect to me. I told her I forgive her, and in truth I do, it wasn't a lie, I'm not even upset about it that much for some reason, just kinda hurt.

To make it worse, my friend is judging me rn, basically calling me dramatic. I haven't told them she cheated, just told them I needed time alone and that I kinda hate life rn, and one private messaged me basically saying I'm dramatic.

Edit: To clarify, I did just discover the cheating. Before this, I thought they began talking about 3 weeks after we broke up.

 

[SexyIncél]

What makes her perfect for you? Does she offer kindness, or quirky offbeat beauty, or charisma? And if I may ask, what's her job? I have no advice, just curious

 

[ThatStateOfMind]

What makes her perfect for you? Does she offer kindness, or quirky offbeat beauty, or charisma? And if I may ask, what's her job? I have no advice, just curious

Well, she was very kind and caring, even when telling me she cheated, there was genuineness in her sadness when saying it. She was crying and apologizing, apologized probably a dozen or more times. Seemed upset when I wasn't upset with her, responding with "Ughhhh Okayyy" or something along those lines. I don't really know what that reply means.

She also had an odd charm and beauty to her, as well. She had an aura of confidence surrounding her and her smile could light up my world. She missed school when I went for surgery once and, under anesthesia so I don't remember this but she does, cried for her on the phone. She comforted me that whole day as well.

Also, her current job is fast food but she's pursuing a cosmetology license, although she's now doubting that and after getting her license, she's considering going to a community college as well.

She was just a genuinely kind person and seemed to love so immensely.


Edit: She's off work now or if she's being held there a little longer she will be soon. I don't know if we will continue to talk, no clue but I suppose we'll find out.

Edit2: She just messaged and said "I'll probably get off at 11 now " so they're keeping her longer.

 

[SexyIncél]

Hmm, immense love... What keeps you from loving her immensely right now? You don't seem murderously jealous. And she basically betrays him and wants you. Could you flirt, amuse and trash talk her boyfriend? If you're compelled to occasionally mention your suicidal impulses, maybe you can make it fatalistic, funny and poetically beautiful?

And while she's momentarily not yours, you might as well practice the arts of love on other people? After all, you did treat her like shit when she was vulnerable. Why not make your remaining learning-mistakes on others?

You can be refreshingly honest with her: "I want you. I'll steal you from him if I can"

To avoid disappointing her, I guess I should glorify suicide. Um... yeah there's always the boomstick if you need a quick exit. Woohoo

 

[ThatStateOfMind]

Hmm, immense love... What keeps you from loving her immensely right now? You don't seem murderously jealous. And she basically betrays him and wants you. Could you flirt, amuse and trash talk her boyfriend? If you're compelled to occasionally mention your suicidal impulses, maybe you can make it fatalistic, funny and poetically beautiful?

And while she's momentarily not yours, you might as well practice the arts of love on other people? After all, you did treat her like shit when she was vulnerable. Why not make your remaining learning-mistakes on others?

You can be refreshingly honest with her: "I want you. I'll steal you from him if I can"

To avoid disappointing her, I guess I should glorify suicide. Um... yeah there's always the boomstick if you need a quick exit. Woohoo

Tried it, she ran away crying and screaming. Jk

We had a more pleasant conversation later in the night, she called me, then called her boyfriend for like 2 minutes and then called me again and talked to me for much longer. All together we were on the phone for 2 hours and 4 minutes, not including our call before she went to work and the call where she told me about the cheating.

Idk how to feel, idk if what she did was fixable if we tried, idk how I could trust her to not do it again without being controlling. If we did get back together, it would definitely take time and we'd have to set very clear boundaries. I take my accountability in it as well though, because I didn't treat her the best towards the end of our relationship, mainly as I was dealing with mental issues and wanted to push her away, then I realized I needed her too late.

Anyways, now today, I have a birthday party for my little cousin to attend and we might also call today, no clue.

 

[ThatStateOfMind]

Another update, sorry for spamming this thread, just something interesting happened at my cousins party. I found out her boyfriend lied to her about someone. He said it was just a crush, but according to one of my cousins, they dated and made out with each other and my cousin saw it.

I felt like it would be the right thing and told her, I don't care if it doesn't do anything or if it does. This wasn't to benefit me, but I wanted to tell her since she came clean about the cheating.

My cousin has never been known to lie before and has no reason to about this I suppose.

 

[Sulyya]

My thought is to be patient. Hope that you hear something good but if not, then you can always vent here.

 

[ThatStateOfMind]

My thought is to be patient. Hope that you hear something good but if not, then you can always vent here.

Yeah, it's always nice to have here to vent. She's at work probably until like 10 or something probably. When she's off she'll read what I've sent. I sent a long text detailing what I heard from my cousin. I also told her that, if for some reason, she doesn't believe me, she could verify it with the cousin who told me.

 

[assisted]

I recently learned that, like many of you told me but I brushed you guys off because I thought I knew my ex better, she was talking to the guy she was with while we were together. It was in the last week and he convinced her to break up with me. It fucking hurts to hear it but it came from her, she said it was eating her alive.

I feel so close to ending it but she said she would kill herself if I killed myself. She said that it was only in the last week and over text. I might still kill myself. I have a shotgun, it'll be messy but it'll get the job done if I do it. She probably hates me and I don't blame her.

She said she loves me and still cares for me (she wouldn't directly say love but I did and she said "I still have those feelings for you"). It's throwing me for a huge loop and it's giving me a headache. I think I hurt her though unintentionally, I told her "Why would I care what you do if I'm dead" and she just seemed stunned.

I hated this conversation and she refuses to leave him because she said he'll eventually get tired of her anyways like he does with every girl and she wants to give him a fair chance, and she felt like there might be a second chance with me but not with him so idek bro.

All I ask of you guys is to please not be too harsh on me, I still love her and I can't help it. I still want her. I want to end it all at the same time, but those of you who said she was cheating on me, were pretty much right. God, I'm so fucking stupid for not seeing it sooner and I'm even more stupid for still loving her.

I wish I could give myself a heart attack or something so my death wouldn't be an obvious suicide and my mom wouldn't be as hurt, knowing I killed myself.

She also said that I should leave this forum as it's glorifying suicide, she holds a typical view of this site from an outside perspective. She even threatened to call the cops on me.

I explained that cops won't do shit, most they'll do is a wellness check, they don't have enough for a search warrant and even if they did, there's nothing here. She said "What about your wills, they would question it" and I said "It's not illegal to have a will, and younger people die every day, plus it's all digital".

I don't know guys, she still cares but did this to me, and as stupid as I sound, I still care and love her. I feel like she's somewhat of a victim because I treated her like shit and she was vulnerable.

I might end it all tonight, idk, I just don't see a light at the end of this tunnel.

i understand. i'm in a similar situation with my ex-boyfriend. he said he would kill himself if i killed myself. he wants to date other women instead of me. he takes me for granted. he treated me like shit. he still does...

have you ever tried apologizing to her?

She gets off work in 2 hours, I sent some messages that I hope she will reply to. Nothing pressuring, just me apologizing mainly. The call today was less than stellar and I'd like to end today on a higher note.

at least you two are still in communication. my ex-boyfriend and i don't even talk anymore.

Yeah, it's always nice to have here to vent. She's at work probably until like 10 or something probably. When she's off she'll read what I've sent. I sent a long text detailing what I heard from my cousin. I also told her that, if for some reason, she doesn't believe me, she could verify it with the cousin who told me.

keep us updated.

 

[ThatStateOfMind]

i understand. i'm in a similar situation with my ex-boyfriend. he said he would kill himself if i killed myself. he wants to date other women instead of me. he takes me for granted. he treated me like shit. he still does...

have you ever tried apologizing to her?

at least you two are still in communication. my ex-boyfriend and i don't even talk anymore.

keep us updated.

I have tried apologizing, and there seems to be no hard feelings between us. I've apologized many times for many different things, the breakup made me see things I wouldn't otherwise have and that, I'm grateful for.

I'm sorry you two do not communicate, and I'm sorry he treats you so badly. Nobody deserved to be treated like shit.

And I will, I will hopefully have an update later tonight after she reads the text. Now I don't know how she'll react or if she'll tell me how she's reacting, but I'll update even if that's the case.

Also, if you need someone to talk to about your ex, you can always message me. We're not in the exact same situation, but I could at least lend an ear if you need to talk, love the support from this community so I try to help as well :)

 

[assisted]

I have tried apologizing, and there seems to be no hard feelings between us. I've apologized many times for many different things, the breakup made me see things I wouldn't otherwise have and that, I'm grateful for.

I'm sorry you two do not communicate, and I'm sorry he treats you so badly. Nobody deserved to be treated like shit.

And I will, I will hopefully have an update later tonight after she reads the text. Now I don't know how she'll react or if she'll tell me how she's reacting, but I'll update even if that's the case.

Also, if you need someone to talk to about your ex, you can always message me. We're not in the exact same situation, but I could at least lend an ear if you need to talk, love the support from this community so I try to help as well :)

it sounds like a very hopeful situation to me.

thank you.

what do you predict?

i appreciate it.

 

[ThatStateOfMind]

it sounds like a very hopeful situation to me.

thank you.

what do you predict?

i appreciate it.

I am try my best to be an optimistic person about it!

And I don't like to try and predict, but what I hope for is that they'll break up and she'll get back with me or at least we can continue our friendship like it used to be. It's hard to have a friendship when her boyfriend hates me and her family doesn't know she cheated on me. She didn't vilify me to them though, so I have no interest in making her seem bad to anyone, too vindictive and hateful for no reason imo.

I do want to clarify, I didn't send this to cause issues between them, I obviously know that's a possibility and I wouldn't mind if it did happen but mainly this was for her to know the truth because he's been lying to her.

Thank you and I truly hope your situation improves!

 

[not-2-b-the-answer]

I recently learned that, like many of you told me but I brushed you guys off because I thought I knew my ex better, she was talking to the guy she was with while we were together. It was in the last week and he convinced her to break up with me. It fucking hurts to hear it but it came from her, she said it was eating her alive.

I feel so close to ending it but she said she would kill herself if I killed myself. She said that it was only in the last week and over text. I might still kill myself. I have a shotgun, it'll be messy but it'll get the job done if I do it. She probably hates me and I don't blame her.

She said she loves me and still cares for me (she wouldn't directly say love but I did and she said "I still have those feelings for you"). It's throwing me for a huge loop and it's giving me a headache. I think I hurt her though unintentionally, I told her "Why would I care what you do if I'm dead" and she just seemed stunned.

I hated this conversation and she refuses to leave him because she said he'll eventually get tired of her anyways like he does with every girl and she wants to give him a fair chance, and she felt like there might be a second chance with me but not with him so idek bro.

All I ask of you guys is to please not be too harsh on me, I still love her and I can't help it. I still want her. I want to end it all at the same time, but those of you who said she was cheating on me, were pretty much right. God, I'm so fucking stupid for not seeing it sooner and I'm even more stupid for still loving her.

I wish I could give myself a heart attack or something so my death wouldn't be an obvious suicide and my mom wouldn't be as hurt, knowing I killed myself.

She also said that I should leave this forum as it's glorifying suicide, she holds a typical view of this site from an outside perspective. She even threatened to call the cops on me.

I explained that cops won't do shit, most they'll do is a wellness check, they don't have enough for a search warrant and even if they did, there's nothing here. She said "What about your wills, they would question it" and I said "It's not illegal to have a will, and younger people die every day, plus it's all digital".

I don't know guys, she still cares but did this to me, and as stupid as I sound, I still care and love her. I feel like she's somewhat of a victim because I treated her like shit and she was vulnerable.

I might end it all tonight, idk, I just don't see a light at the end of this tunnel.

Sorry for what happened to you. The hypocritical thing to say would be RUN !!!
I've been stuck on an ex for a long time. I wouldn't discuss wanting to CTB with her anymore.
Especially if you have a method.
Could you be committed against your will?
Do you have other reasons for CTB or is it just because of her?

 

[ThatStateOfMind]

Sorry for what happened to you. The hypocritical thing to say would be RUN !!!
I've been stuck on an ex for a long time. I wouldn't discuss wanting to CTB with her anymore.
Especially if you have a method.
Could you be committed against your will?
Do you have other reasons for CTB or is it just because of her?

I can say she's said it before and she bluffs about it. It's her scare tactic to try and get to me get help. I don't have a method, at least not a one I'm set on using. I'm more so at the point of ideation, but not motivated enough to act on it yet, at least most of the time, a few half ass attempts have failed when I was super depressed.

I also don't have anything that could show that I would need to be involuntarily committed either. No SN here, no nooses around, my main point is if police did a search here, they wouldn't find anything. I'm not an immediate danger to myself.

And I do have other reasons, this is just one of a few and probably the strongest one right now.

Edit: So she is off work now, and questioning him about it. He asked where she got it and she said my cousin, not me for obvious reasons. I hope this doesn't have blowback on her. She's pissed because to her, it seems like he's lying because she says my cousin's story adds up and explains a few things. She did say it isn't breakup material but he broke her trust and she wants answers. She called me and questioned me about specifics and I tried to recall as much as possible. He then called her while me and her were talking, and she answered so we're gonna see. She seems pissed.

 

[not-2-b-the-answer]

I can say she's said it before and she bluffs about it. It's her scare tactic to try and get to me get help. I don't have a method, at least not a one I'm set on using. I'm more so at the point of ideation, but not motivated enough to act on it yet, at least most of the time, a few half ass attempts have failed when I was super depressed.

I also don't have anything that could show that I would need to be involuntarily committed either. No SN here, no nooses around, my main point is if police did a search here, they wouldn't find anything. I'm not an immediate danger to myself.

And I do have other reasons, this is just one of a few and probably the strongest one right now.

I should have read the other replies first before giving an answer. It's probably not what you want to hear.
Once trust is broken, it's hard to get it back. Also you mentioned hurting her. Might be difficult for her to get over.
I get it, it's hard to stay away from someone you love. I have had problems with that also.
This is still fresh for you and her.
It's probably best to walk away but I understand if you can't. I wasn't able to either. Not right away.

 

[ThatStateOfMind]

I should have read the other replies first before giving an answer. It's probably not what you want to hear.
Once trust is broken, it's hard to get it back. Also you mentioned hurting her. Might be difficult for her to get over.
I get it, it's hard to stay away from someone you love. I have had problems with that also.
This is still fresh for you and her.
It's probably best to walk away but I understand if you can't. I wasn't able to either. Not right away.

Yeah thanks for not passing any judgement but I can't walk away rn, I know it's probably for the better but a part of me can't let go yet. I still care about her and she still cares about me. We were friends for so long before all of this went to shit.

We've also acknowledged that the trust is completely broken if we were ever to try again, and it would have to be rebuilt from the bottom up, and we would have to communicate better (over 50% of our problems we're communication related), of course this is all hypothetical but I don't know, I can't give up hope yet. I still love her :(

 

[not-2-b-the-answer]

Yeah thanks for not passing any judgement but I can't walk away rn, I know it's probably for the better but a part of me can't let go yet. I still care about her and she still cares about me. We were friends for so long before all of this went to shit.

We've also acknowledged that the trust is completely broken if we were ever to try again, and it would have to be rebuilt from the bottom up, and we would have to communicate better (over 50% of our problems we're communication related), of course this is all hypothetical but I don't know, I can't give up hope yet. I still love her :(

Wish I had more wisdom. Until she decides to leave her current boyfriend, you should keep your distance.
Again... Almost impossible. Could get even messier.

 

[ThatStateOfMind]

Wish I had more wisdom. Until she decides to leave her current boyfriend, you should keep your distance.
Again... Almost impossible. Could get even messier.

Yeah, I'm aware. I've done a mixture of keeping my distance and keeping communication lines open. Also I know it could get messy, it's already pretty messy, honestly.

 

[not-2-b-the-answer]

Yeah, I'm aware. I've done a mixture of keeping my distance and keeping communication lines open. Also I know it could get messy, it's already pretty messy, honestly.

I wish you the best. I think you are better off but you have to live your life.

 

[ThatStateOfMind]

I'm probably gonna update this thread more as time moves on. I hope everything goes well for me, I appreciate all the responses so far.

I wish you the best. I think you are better off but you have to live your life.

Thank you, and maybe, I'm just not ready yet. I suppose I'll learn this lesson the hard way if you're correct.

 

[sleepyturtle]

im really sorry to hear about this, i hope things get better for you soon. in my opinion she really really does not seem like someone who is relationship material, she needs to work on whatever causes her to cheat like that bc it didnt sound like it was the first time.
if youre patient and look for it, someone who makes you feel even better than she did will come around. or maybe in the future she can truly work on herself and you guys can come together then, but its not super likely once that trust is broken. in that situation i know id always wonder whether theyd do it again, if theyre already cheating and ready to leave again. i think maybe distance could be a good idea, not entirely, still being close, but being more independent.

all of it, however, is up to you. this is just my opinion and i dont know your relationship with her.

 

[ThatStateOfMind]

im really sorry to hear about this, i hope things get better for you soon. in my opinion she really really does not seem like someone who is relationship material, she needs to work on whatever causes her to cheat like that bc it didnt sound like it was the first time.
if youre patient and look for it, someone who makes you feel even better than she did will come around. or maybe in the future she can truly work on herself and you guys can come together then, but its not super likely once that trust is broken. in that situation i know id always wonder whether theyd do it again, if theyre already cheating and ready to leave again. i think maybe distance could be a good idea, not entirely, still being close, but being more independent.

all of it, however, is up to you. this is just my opinion and i dont know your relationship with her.

Thanks, and yeah if we do want to get back together, I'm not doing it until I know exactly why she cheated, and (although she promised it was the first time) press her further and make sure it was the first time. She said I was the first time and she doesn't want the label "cheater" associated with her. We have distanced some but probably not enough. We were talking about distancing ourselves more yesterday, but I'm not entirely ready to cut her off.

Like you said, staying close but maintaining distance. I do value your opinion, personally, I believe it was the first time, buttttt, I've been wrong before and believed that she didn't cheat. I'm just taking it a day at a time I guess, seeing how the cards fall.

 

[ThatStateOfMind]

I confirmed with my cousin that it was the same person and she swears it is. I told her this and her response was "Idk, he pinky promised me".

I wanna distance myself but she cheated and I feel so hurt. Idk why it just hurts more today. If I decide I'm gonna cut her off completely, before that, I'm probably gonna out her as a cheater. That's only if I decide I don't want to be friends or anything though. I feel so hurt man, because the ironic thing is we pinky promised shit as well.

Early in our relationship, we pinky promised that we wouldn't cheat on each other and if we ever had the urge to, we would break up before it happens.

I did some research and I have one of the most lethal suicide methods at my disposal (shotgun) so if I ever need to ctb and I can't deal with the pain of life in general, it's an option. I truly hate life rn, and love feels like some hopeless fairy tale.

 

[not-2-b-the-answer]

I confirmed with my cousin that it was the same person and she swears it is. I told her this and her response was "Idk, he pinky promised me".

I wanna distance myself but she cheated and I feel so hurt. Idk why it just hurts more today. If I decide I'm gonna cut her off completely, before that, I'm probably gonna out her as a cheater. That's only if I decide I don't want to be friends or anything though. I feel so hurt man, because the ironic thing is we pinky promised shit as well.

Early in our relationship, we pinky promised that we wouldn't cheat on each other and if we ever had the urge to, we would break up before it happens.

I did some research and I have one of the most lethal suicide methods at my disposal (shotgun) so if I ever need to ctb and I can't deal with the pain of life in general, it's an option. I truly hate life rn, and love feels like some hopeless fairy tale.

You could REMIND her that she PINKY swore with you as well.
I still stand by my statement that you should RUN !!!
I think you need some distance to clear your mind. She is keeping you as a backup plan in case it doesn't work out with the other guy.
I don't know if you know any of her previous relationship history but it may give you some answers.
She doesn't want to be labeled as a cheater.... Sounds like that hit a nerve.

 

[Sulyya]

Keep some kind of road forward in mind, if you can. I think you are seeking a positive resolution - one in particular for now. But there are others. I desire love as well and don't expect I'll find it ever. I want to die but also want to make something good.