I’m always more fragile than I think

[dogdrool]

I used to think about how strong and tough I was for having gone through so much trauma but still having no triggers. I'd just stare at gore over and over and indulge myself with things that made me uncomfortable and somehow I thought that meant it didn't still scare me.

I'm getting ready to go to a party and I saw a short, melancholy animation of somebody bleeding out. It genuinely isn't even that serious but now I can't shake the thought of death. Like, every time I see something like that I just see me and I see the railway and I see all the times where I was sprawled out in the freezing cold and I see how so many times I've wished and come so close to that picture of death.

I don't know, it's really upsetting to become fixated on those thoughts because I know I'll have to spend all night blocking them out, especially since I'll be getting drunk and going home alone.

 

[Dejected 55]

We don't always know our own weak points until someone or something else exposes them. Situations and experiences reveal who we are to others and to ourselves. I am sometimes still surprised at visceral reactions I have to new things that I did not know would affect me as strongly as they do.