.. i'm alive

[hi-okbye]

hi

i'm very exhausted so i'll try my best to make this.

i went out to the lake. i took a few of the drugs but not all of them. only got a few sips of the hydrocodone in before i went out to the water. i got hypothermia, the water wasn't cold enough to kill me though. i almost passed out from the drugs, i was closing my eyes while literally walking in freezing cold water because i was having a hard time keeping them open.
I wish i took a little more and didn't underestimate it's power, if i did, maybe i would've made it. while walking in the water (i decided to walk around the edge of the lake for some reason), i saw every light along the lake open, and i heard sirens. i thought they were out looking for me, and i thought i wouldn't die before they found me. I decided to give up, because my limbs stopped being as numb and i was getting super cold.

I finally got on land, and that's when i realized i was tripping balls. i was so high up. I could barely walk, and i had to crawl through woods and stuff. i ended up trespassing a few peoples backyards, trying to knock on doors because i was freezing, my legs were bleeding because of how scratched up i got, and i was pretty high. So i'm walking on unknown roads, high, bleeding, soaked to the bone, and freezing in shorts and a sweater. I end up climbing over some fences and getting into someones backyard.
Their lights were on, it was a lady who had two dogs. she seemed somewhat nice and even though i was scared i didn't really know what to do so i knocked on her back door. i scared her a bit, but she called the police. then her and her husband (i think?) came out. he had a gun and pointed it at me which kinda scared me, but soon they realized i wasn't a threat.
She grabed this really big blanket and put it around me, she also made me tea. she was really nice and i wish i could thank her more. the police came, asked about me yada yada. they called my mom, i got to the hospital. I somehow convinced them i was completely fine, and i just wanted to swim while super high so i didn't exactly have the best decision making skills.

Swimming in freezing water is not for the faint of heart. I wasn't even swimming i was walking, i tried to swim but failed.. horribly. Luckily almost no part of the lake was over 5 feet deep, so i was able to walk for the most part.
I left all the drugs right there in a bush next to the pond, so i'm hoping soon, i'll be able to go back, take all of the hydrocodone, and swim to peace. That's my best luck so far, only problem is that my mom wants to sleep in my room, to make sure i don't pull this stunt again. I'm sure i'll find a way out, i hope.
I'll probably post another goodbye thread when i'm ready to go.
Today.. i'm just exhausted. The drugs are still making me very drowsy, although all my tests from the hospital came back negative. I barely slept, but my mom doesn't want me to, so i can sleep tonight. I just hope i can try again soon, i met with my therapist, and i listend to her and my moms conversation. They think they might have to put me in a residential place, really far away, if the program i'm joining Monday doesn't work.
Almost everyone says i could've easily drowned and died, and that there was definently someone watching over me, because i basically should've died last night.. but i didn't :/

so sorry this was so long. just wanted to update you guys. thank you for your support on my goodbye thread, i'm sorry i didn't make it. much love like always <3

- Lra

 

[roguetrader]

SI is a very difficult thing to overcome…..

 

[LaVieEnRose]

Well, your guardian angel must have been snoozing if you reached the point where you felt compelled to to CTB.

Still I'm glad you are okay. Sounds like a very harrowing experience and I'm glad you were able to avoid hospitalization. Seems that hypothermia requires a lot more determination than most people are able to muster.

Do you feel that upcoming program or that other more long-term option have any promise?

 

[tinyghost]

is much as i know a failed attempt sucks, i cant help but be glad you are still with us. perhaps its worth looking into other methods? or maybe that residential program? i cant imagine how exhausting of an experience youve had.

 

[justcallmeJ]

Oh wow, Im glad you are still ok. You sure you wanna try again after what you been through? It seems awful.
I wish you the best <3

 

[hi-okbye]

SI is a very difficult thing to overcome…..

i'm not 100% sure if it was SI. I just thought i wouldn't make it at that point, so i gave up. I was dreaming of a warm spot in my partners arms, but i started to wonder if that was far out of reach. So i started imagining knocking on my neighbors door and them helping me. eventually my mind drifted to that being what i had to do. The bottom of the lake was practicly mud, i kept sinking into the ground and that's not the best thing to deal with when high. I don't know if it was the drugs or the cold or both, but i felt little to no anxiety. I just kept thinking of a warm place, and hoping i would die soon. The drugs and cold slowed down my brain a lottttt. My heartrate was still very high, but it didn't give me anxiety. I could barely even think at normal speeds, let alone move at normal speeds. in the water i was slower than a snail, on land i was just zooming though.

Well, your guardian angel must have been snoozing if you reached the point where you felt compelled to to CTB.

Still I'm glad you are okay. Sounds like a very harrowing experience and I'm glad you were able to avoid hospitalization. Seems that hypothermia requires a lot more determination than most people are able to muster.

Do you feel that upcoming program or that other more long-term option have any promise?

Yea hypothermia requires a lot of strength. Luckily i'm gonna be okay in the long run (health wise). You also end up getting very thirsty, even surrounded by water. in my personal opinion, i don't think "guardian angles" can do anything about how you feel/think, just about what happens, physically.
i've been hospitalized before, a few times. i've been in programs before, i don't feel that they will help. even my therapist agrees it may not help, it's just at some point if i'm too unsafe, they have no choice. i don't want to end up there again, i think i have enough trauma.

is much as i know a failed attempt sucks, i cant help but be glad you are still with us. perhaps its worth looking into other methods? or maybe that residential program? i cant imagine how exhausting of an experience youve had.

thank you <3
the only reason i'm stuck on this method is because of how okay it leaves the body. I don't like other meathods because of how they leave the body. sure i'll turn a bit blue maybe, i may not even, but i'm fine with this meathod. I only took like 2-3 sips and thats how high i got. if i drink the whole bottle (probably like 10-20+ sips) i definently think it'll work. thank you for your concern. i'm still a bit worn out from it all, but i think i'll be okay

Oh wow, Im glad you are still ok. You sure you wanna try again after what you been through? It seems awful.
I wish you the best <3

thank you for your concern <3
I think so though, i found it pretty peaceful actually. other than being super cold, once i got most of my body in the water, it didn't really bother me much. as well as the fact that the parts of the limbs in the water, are basically numb. like i couldn't even really feel the cold after some point. and anything i did, i didn't even notice. Plus the drugs helped, i completely scratched up my legs, (tw: blood and gore/violence)but i barely even noticed until i looked at them and saw them covered in blood. all scratched up from rocks and branches. I think it can work. if i can get out of the house at night again.

thank you everyone for your love and care

 

[letsgetittogo]

I'm new here but I've seen you be active in a lot of the threads from the last few months and you've always seemed really sweet. I was watching your thread all night and I even stayed up until 2am to see if you'd update. You were in my thoughts and I lit a candle for you. I hope that you rest and take it easy the next few days since you had such a long night <3 I hope I can interact w you and see your name pop up more before your next goodbye thread

 

[tiger b]

Well...first and foremost, you've nothing to apologise for.

I hope the days to come allow you to collect your thoughts in decent comfort. Perhaps it wasn't your time, sounds cheesy but I believe sometimes that is the case.

Fifteen years ago, I was very ill thanks to a mosquito bite (I didn't encourage the mosquitoes to make me CTB hahaha) and I felt I could easily have 'gone' then. Doctors confirmed I was very lucky to have pulled through (or unlucky, depends how you see it).
I felt everything draining away and I was outside myself.There was a point that I was ok with death, it really didn't feel so bad if it came. It just didn't happen. Not saying it's exactly the same experience in your case, but sometimes it feels like something else is saying no, you're not there yet.

You were in my thoughts too, and I've umm downloaded your paintings for my banner. I hope that's ok. I really like them. Always happy to chat if you want to. Best wishes.

 

[hi-okbye]

I'm new here but I've seen you be active in a lot of the threads from the last few months and you've always seemed really sweet. I was watching your thread all night and I even stayed up until 2am to see if you'd update. You were in my thoughts and I lit a candle for you. I hope that you rest and take it easy the next few days since you had such a long night <3 I hope I can interact w you and see your name pop up more before your next goodbye thread

aww thank you so much, this warmed my heart
i hope so too, i'll probably be pretty active as there's not much else for me to do. especially when i come home each day. i was hoping to try again today, but i don't really think that will happen. I'm sorry i kept you up, i hope you got a good rest though <3333

Well...first and foremost, you've nothing to apologise for.

I hope the days to come allow you to collect your thoughts in decent comfort. Perhaps it wasn't your time, sounds cheesy but I believe sometimes that isn't the case.

Fifteen years ago, I was very ill thanks to a mosquito bite (I didn't encourage the mosquitoes to make me CTB hahaha) and I felt I could easily have 'gone' then. Doctors confirmed I was very lucky to have pulled through (or unlucky, depends how you see it).
I felt everything draining away and I was outside myself.There was a point that I was ok with death, it really didn't feel so bad if it came. It just didn't happen. Not saying it's exactly the same experience in your case, but sometimes it feels like something else is saying no, you're not there yet.

thank you for your kind words <33
actually that's very close to how i felt. I almost felt the life slowly draining out of me. I felt myself slowing down, and i felt... so close. I was okay with death coming, i just hoped it was peaceful, and if i passed out i wouldn't feel myself drown.
i'm sorry for your experience with the mosquito bite, i'm glad you feel better now though <33

 

[cheese.out]

Im so sorry you had such a dreadful experience. Just as @tiger b already said you dont have to apologies for anything. CTB can be extremely difficult and SI is just a bitch.

I wish you a quick recovery from your attempt and if you decide to try it again I wish you a peaceful ride

 

[deathxo]

Well fuck, that sounds like a harrowing adventure!
I remember seeing your goodbye post, because I love your username, it always reminds me of this closing from Moral Orel, but also because your plan is reeeally close to how I envision my own exit. So even though you "failed" in a sense? I'm happy to see that you are still around
Takes a lot of fucking guts to do go through with all of that! Sucks about all the battle scars! You do sound like you are dealing with it all really well! Could not have been easy, getting a gun pulled on you!?! Holy shit. Thank god for the nice lady eh.
I hope you recover well & soon

 

[Raindancer]

I was watching your thread all night as well and thinking of you. I am glad you are OK. That must have been a very harrowing experience. I have definitely thought of cold water as one of my options, but last year I was paddle boarding and something caught my board and I fell in suddenly and surprised at how my body reacted to the cold water and this was in the summer. So in the back of my mind I've had the thought it may be more difficult than I've given it credit for. I hope you start to feel better and bet by tomorrow you will feel more like yourself. Please do not feel bad, this is so not an easy thing to do and it will be nice having you back for however long<3!

 

[hi-okbye]

i'm feeling a bit more okay now, so i'll explain how i felt. the one good thing i think that came out of this, is that i could create somewhat of a report on what happened. I remember actually thinking what i would write here if i lived while walking.
You don't have to read this if you don't have any use for this type of information. just thought i would leave it here for people planing to leave a similar way.

I think i walked about half a mile to a mile around the lake. It was somewhat hard to get completely in at first, i kept going in and out. after my legs, getting the upper part of my body inside was harder. I could feel the line of cold where i was slowly going into the water. everything bellow the water was basically numb. everything above the water was just kinda cold. I was shivering a lot, and a few times i did stuff and didn't even realize. i remember playing with a seashell for 5 minutes not even realizing i was doing it. I walked in, slowly i just kept taking baby penguin steps waddling into the water ever so slowly. at a certain point around my torso, i walked out because i was really cold. then i walked in, then out, then i just sat in the water, slowly scootching in. eventually i got most of my body in. i just walked around the edge because i didn't want to be found easily by cops if they came. I remember the annoying part was the slight waves hiting parts of my body that hadn't ben adjusted to the cold yet. so i decided to walk twards the direction of the waves, i thought if i went that direction, eventually i would get to the start of the waves, and wouldn't have to deal with them. I got to that part of the lake, but then i kept walking. i got to a section that was a land strip across from the sea. the wind from the sea made that section supperrrrr cold. my head which didn't go into the water was freezing from the amount of wind. if i did it agian, i know which part of the lake i would go to. it was a good section that was somewhat deep, not much of waves or wind, and i was covered by the branches, there was little to no light. along the way i saw some ducks, but they would swm away from me. i remember having a lot of high thoughts, i wondered if i was swimming in peoples poop because their toilets might empty into the lake. I remember considering how birds had to be dinosaurs at one point because i heard a goose flying that sounded like it was from juristic park. kinda got a bit scared not gonna lie. Once i decided to go back to land, i knew it was a bit of a walk, and the water was getting slightly deeper. i even thought i might not make it to land, that i might even pass out before i made it. the only physical pains i felt was the cold (not really painful), and a pain in my neck, probably was cramping from the cold. in the abulance at one point i got a really bad leg cramp, but it eased soon. I remember crawling at the edge of the lake, because i didn't want to be seen by the people in the houses. I felt some sensation of my knees, and i had a feeling they might've goten a bit scratched but it didn't even hurt. now i'm just feeling drowsy, but it's wearing off. i recovered from hypothermia pretty quickly, especially because of the medical care. they made the ambulance really hot and covered me in blankets and towels.

if anyone has any questions about my experience i'd be happy to answer.

 

[chasm]

Welcome back. I hate to say but in don't think hydrocodone is gonna cut it, it's really not a very strong opiate. Lots of alcohol would be a better bet if you're looking to pass out. The hydro would definitely potentiate the depressant effects of the alcohol, but alone I just can't see it working. I dunno about the muscle relaxers.

 

[Some place nice]

There is no need to be sorry. I'm sorry it didn't work out. You'll find peace next time, I believe in you.

 

[letsgetittogo]

Welcome back. I hate to say but in don't think hydrocodone is gonna cut it, it's really not a very strong opiate. Lots of alcohol would be a better bet if you're looking to pass out. The hydro would definitely potentiate the depressant effects of the alcohol, but alone I just can't see it working. I dunno about the muscle relaxers.

I might have to second this, it's not that strong of a cocktail in my opinion unless you're taking a lot of it. Was it just the hydros or did you take anything else?

 

[NocturnILL]

You most definitely do not need to apologize for anything! I am very sorry your night was so long and exhausting. Not only did your plans not turn out once again but you having a high panic, freezing just trying to get home, injured and a gun pointed to you! You've had a hell of a night, literally. Thankfully you ended up coming across nice people too. Whether SI was at play or just unfortunate interferences again overalls it's good to know you get to stay at home and try to have the best recovery you can.
You deserve your rest, externally and internally. I am very sorry you were unable to have the peace with your love you were looking for. Your time will come and hope you two will be able to drift on in the sunsets as one. For now, I hope you are able to rest as much as you can. Even though you couldn't have your peace last night I hope you find some kind of peace while you take the time to recover
I am more than glad you are OK. You have so much support and are not alone

 

[hi-okbye]

Well fuck, that sounds like a harrowing adventure!
I remember seeing your goodbye post, because I love your username, it always reminds me of this closing from Moral Orel, but also because your plan is reeeally close to how I envision my own exit. So even though you "failed" in a sense? I'm happy to see that you are still around
Takes a lot of fucking guts to do go through with all of that! Sucks about all the battle scars! You do sound like you are dealing with it all really well! Could not have been easy, getting a gun pulled on you!?! Holy shit. Thank god for the nice lady eh.
I hope you recover well & soon

yes i will not lie, it was quite the experience. I didn't even tell anyone about the gun, but that was definently terrifying. i still think about it. when he came out with it i just staggered back and almost started crying. even if he shot me, i don't think it would've killed me, especially with the police right on their way, i would've lived but it would've just ended a lot worse. I felt comfort though when the lady came out from behind her husband really quickly, she just opened the blanket and told me to come over quickly. she was very sweet and i'm very greatful for how she reacted.
thank you so much, i love moral orel!
I wish you luck with your exit as well <3

Welcome back. I hate to say but in don't think hydrocodone is gonna cut it, it's really not a very strong opiate. Lots of alcohol would be a better bet if you're looking to pass out. The hydro would definitely potentiate the depressant effects of the alcohol, but alone I just can't see it working. I dunno about the muscle relaxers.

my hydrocodone is in a syrup form, its a very strong one surprisingly. I only didn't take a lot because i didn't like the taste, even though i brought chocolate. it's definently managable though, if i have to deal with it. i almost passed out. if the lake was deeper and i had to swim, i would've definently not made it. I could barely move, even with the water practically carrying me. at that point it was just survival instinct keeping me around. thank you though. I wasn't able to get the muscle relaxants, but maybe i'll be able to by the time i attempt again. I have alcohol as well, i just have a very hard time getting it down. i tried to, but i could tell that it would only make me throw up. i don't need the drugs to kill me, just need it to make me pass out which it could probably do.

I was watching your thread all night as well and thinking of you. I am glad you are OK. That must have been a very harrowing experience. I have definitely thought of cold water as one of my options, but last year I was paddle boarding and something caught my board and I fell in suddenly and surprised at how my body reacted to the cold water and this was in the summer. So in the back of my mind I've had the thought it may be more difficult than I've given it credit for. I hope you start to feel better and bet by tomorrow you will feel more like yourself. Please do not feel bad, this is so not an easy thing to do and it will be nice having you back for however long<3!

thank you so much <3
i must say, at a certain point you turn numb and barely notice the cold, but getting to that point can take a lot of mental strength. personally i somewhat know how to separate myself in a way when i feel a lot of physical pain. if you can't get through the initial uncomfort though, it may be very tough.
i will admit though, even for me it was tougher than i expected.

There is no need to be sorry. I'm sorry it didn't work out. You'll find peace next time, I believe in you.

thank you <33

I might have to second this, it's not that strong of a cocktail in my opinion unless you're taking a lot of it. Was it just the hydros or did you take anything else?

i explained higher up, but i do think it can hopefully work. definently has the potential. i brought alcohol, but i didn't drink it. next time i'm hoping to add muscle relaxants to the mix.

You most definitely do not need to apologize for anything! I am very sorry your night was so long and exhausting. Not only did your plans not turn out once again but you having a high panic, freezing just trying to get home, injured and a gun pointed to you! You've had a hell of a night, literally. Thankfully you ended up coming across nice people too. Whether SI was at play or just unfortunate interferences again overalls it's good to know you get to stay at home and try to have the best recovery you can.
You deserve your rest, externally and internally. I am very sorry you were unable to have the peace with your love you were looking for. Your time will come and hope you two will be able to drift on in the sunsets as one. For now, I hope you are able to rest as much as you can. Even though you couldn't have your peace last night I hope you find some kind of peace while you take the time to recover
I am more than glad you are OK. You have so much support and are not alone

thank you so much, your always so kind and supportive and i appreciate you a lot thank you

 

[higherthanthesun]

That sounds like such a difficult experience, you are so so strong for making it through that. I would've been panicking so bad that sounds terrifying.

I'm glad you avoided hospitalization though, that's the worst.

I believe you will get through this though, whether you successfully attempt or move forward in a different direction.

You have absolutely nothing to apologize for and I wish you all the best <3

 

[FuneralCry]

That sounds like such an awful experience, I hate how it's so unnecessarily difficult to cease existing on our own terms. But anyway I wish you the best.

 

[username8888]

Only this forum can give me relief and dread at the same time :l

 

[Daughter of Sorrow]

so sorry this was so long. just wanted to update you guys. thank you for your support on my goodbye thread, i'm sorry i didn't make it. much love like always <3

- Lra

I don't think anyone should apologize for not dying. It's always your choice. Always. You have no obligations to CTB just because someone said some nice things on a forum somewhere. You can always chose to stick around.

It's not like your ability to CTB goes away if you choose to do so at a later date.

However, I think you've earned a well-deserved cup of hot coco.

 

[stoiccactus]

Wow this is quite the harrowing tale. You are brave and clever and have nothing to apologize for. Good to know that hydrocodone wont be enough when I go out in the cold

 

[hi-okbye]

Wow this is quite the harrowing tale. You are brave and clever and have nothing to apologize for. Good to know that hydrocodone wont be enough when I go out in the cold

personally, i believe it will be. i hardly took any and it almost worked. i plan to take more next time, then go in the water again, hopefully it'll work.

 

[lyiu]

hi

i'm very exhausted so i'll try my best to make this.

i went out to the lake. i took a few of the drugs but not all of them. only got a few sips of the hydrocodone in before i went out to the water. i got hypothermia, the water wasn't cold enough to kill me though. i almost passed out from the drugs, i was closing my eyes while literally walking in freezing cold water because i was having a hard time keeping them open.
I wish i took a little more and didn't underestimate it's power, if i did, maybe i would've made it. while walking in the water (i decided to walk around the edge of the lake for some reason), i saw every light along the lake open, and i heard sirens. i thought they were out looking for me, and i thought i wouldn't die before they found me. I decided to give up, because my limbs stopped being as numb and i was getting super cold.

I finally got on land, and that's when i realized i was tripping balls. i was so high up. I could barely walk, and i had to crawl through woods and stuff. i ended up trespassing a few peoples backyards, trying to knock on doors because i was freezing, my legs were bleeding because of how scratched up i got, and i was pretty high. So i'm walking on unknown roads, high, bleeding, soaked to the bone, and freezing in shorts and a sweater. I end up climbing over some fences and getting into someones backyard.
Their lights were on, it was a lady who had two dogs. she seemed somewhat nice and even though i was scared i didn't really know what to do so i knocked on her back door. i scared her a bit, but she called the police. then her and her husband (i think?) came out. he had a gun and pointed it at me which kinda scared me, but soon they realized i wasn't a threat.
She grabed this really big blanket and put it around me, she also made me tea. she was really nice and i wish i could thank her more. the police came, asked about me yada yada. they called my mom, i got to the hospital. I somehow convinced them i was completely fine, and i just wanted to swim while super high so i didn't exactly have the best decision making skills.

Swimming in freezing water is not for the faint of heart. I wasn't even swimming i was walking, i tried to swim but failed.. horribly. Luckily almost no part of the lake was over 5 feet deep, so i was able to walk for the most part.
I left all the drugs right there in a bush next to the pond, so i'm hoping soon, i'll be able to go back, take all of the hydrocodone, and swim to peace. That's my best luck so far, only problem is that my mom wants to sleep in my room, to make sure i don't pull this stunt again. I'm sure i'll find a way out, i hope.
I'll probably post another goodbye thread when i'm ready to go.
Today.. i'm just exhausted. The drugs are still making me very drowsy, although all my tests from the hospital came back negative. I barely slept, but my mom doesn't want me to, so i can sleep tonight. I just hope i can try again soon, i met with my therapist, and i listend to her and my moms conversation. They think they might have to put me in a residential place, really far away, if the program i'm joining Monday doesn't work.
Almost everyone says i could've easily drowned and died, and that there was definently someone watching over me, because i basically should've died last night.. but i didn't :/

so sorry this was so long. just wanted to update you guys. thank you for your support on my goodbye thread, i'm sorry i didn't make it. much love like always <3

- Lra

im so sorry about all of this- it honestly seems like a traumatic experience of surviving then doing all of those things like crawling while having hypothermia into other peoples backyards and stuff while also having injuries- you dont have to ever apologize for this! i hope u feel better and know that we all are here for u.

 

[Mistiie]

That lady and her husband seem like treasures. Not many people with guns would hesitate to shoot a high person on their front doorstep, let alone keep them warm and call the hospital for them.

 

[hi-okbye]

im so sorry about all of this- it honestly seems like a traumatic experience of surviving then doing all of those things like crawling while having hypothermia into other peoples backyards and stuff while also having injuries- you dont have to ever apologize for this! i hope u feel better and know that we all are here for u.

thank you so much

That lady and her husband seem like treasures. Not many people with guns would hesitate to shoot a high person on their front doorstep, let alone keep them warm and call the hospital for them.

yes i was very grateful for their kindness. and the fact that it wasn't even their doorstep. i somehow through bushes and rock walls ended up in their backyard at their bedroom door. I'm very surprised that they didn't just shoot me, and i'm very greatful as well. the police could've taken care of me once they came but she let me sit inside wraped in the fuzzy blanket siping on some really good tea while they asked me questions. i'm very greatful for them.

 

[absolutelyyou]

Hey- good news is this was a failed attempt that didnt leave you with some kind of permanent damage that could make daily life shittier for you. It warms my heart to hear of the neighbors that kindly helped you (even if you gave em a fright at first) its nice to hear examples of humans not being god awful. I'm so sorry you're struggling so hard but relieved to know at the very least you came out of the other side of this attempt in the same general physical condition you started in (minus the battle wounds from fighting through shrubbery) and you were able to get out of being held in some mental institution for the act.

 

[WonderingSoul]

Honestly, I'm glad you are okay. I got sad reading your goodbye thread because you seemed so nice. Really sorry your attempt didn't work. Hope your future will be better. You deserve better.

 

[ohyouknow]

That sounds like a horrible experience. Thank you for posting. I kept checking your goodbye thread to see if maybe you were still with us.