Venting i'm afraid i'll never have the guts to do it, and i'll have to live this life to its natural conclusion

[true-ending]

its hard enough for me to find a reasonable method to kill myself, but i'm truly terrified that even when i do get a chance ill be a coward and back out. to be clear, this isn't the remnant of some desire to live. i do not enjoy living. i am in pain for the majority of my time awake, and at all times im haunted by things i cant ever forget. but im still scared im going to spend my entire life avoiding death and suffering like this, day after day after day. survival instinct is so cruel. i don't understand why i cant just die and be done with it since i despise living so much, but i suppose thats just my luck
i dont know if anyone else experiences this fear, but perhaps due to my catholic upbringing, im sometimes genuinely afraid ill go to hell or something like that. if i had the guts id probably be able to get lucky and kill myself right now, but i dont. i dont want to spend my entire life like this. i wish i could just die in my sleep

 

[darksouls]

same here
I am 49 years trapped in this never ending nightmare
not able to overcome SI and the fear of the unknown

 

[Forever Sleep]

It frightens me too that I may not have the guts to carry it out. I've never felt free enough in this life to actually attempt. I've always wanted to wait for various loved ones to go first. But then, I think I'm probably kidding myself that, when they do, I'll find it easy.

The thing I fear the most is failing an attempt and maiming myself. Plus, the fear/ pain of the attempt itself. The afterlife is of slightly less concern. I'm not confident I would make it into heaven even if I die naturally! I hate God. Why would they admit someone who thinks they're a monster? But still, hell is still there as a background fear too. I'm really just hoping there's nothing after this.

I just keep telling myself that I'll have to do it. I have to save/ spare myself from this. I suppose I have the 'benefit' that I find life pretty scary. I'm hoping fear of living will push me beyond fear of dying.

 

[Busridin'26]

Relate. I'm not religious per say but spiritual. Everytime I try to get closer to ending my life sonething gets in the way. Many in my rl have commented that maybe it's some kinda meaning. Im now even more terrified to fucking attempt.

But im terrified of being alive. The thought of making it into 2026 is just sooo ugh.

So I dunno. Survival instincts are being lowered but to really take the steps I need... but then day to day ia agonizing so.

 

[pthnrdnojvsc]

I only fear my suicide attempt failing and being brought back to life by the E.R Hospital creeps and being left alive but with more brain damage or other damage

I don't fear my Death because my Death is the escape from a horrible life , the solving of all my problems instantly and forever. 1 microsecond after my brain dies I will cease to exist and never exist again which is Non-existence forever the ultimate bliss and perfection

I also fear pain of a suicide attempt but pain can only happen while my brain is alive and conscious

Why would I fear Death which is like going back in time to the years before I was born when I had no problems no chance of unbearable pain,?

Is There Life After Death? The Mind-Body Problem

Death has never been popular. The intuition that the mind is more than the product of the brain and will survive its death feels correct, but is flatly contradicted by science.

www.psychologytoday.com

 

[Manfrotto99]

I think you get the guts when life becomes so hard and you hit a point that you overcome your SI. I feel im getting very close to that more than ever. But if that does not happen then there has to be still some hope left to keep going and so i think that is ment to be.

As for the fear, I think most people have a fear of the unknown and dying, even those who die of natural causes. Ive seen it in loved ones and even in my pets. I'm not Catholic but think most now days believe suicide is not a mortal sin. It's not mentioned as such in the Bible. As a Christian, I imagine everyone dies with some kind of sin - but Christ paid for our sins at the cross and whatever we do or don't do can't seperate us from the love of Christ and what He did for us. So I for one find peace in that

 

[cemeteryismyhome]

My problem is having a wife and (adult) kids. If not for them, I would already be gone. It's torture being alive. I feel trapped and I hate it.

 

[Manfrotto99]

My problem is having a wife and (adult) kids. If not for them, I would already be gone. It's torture being alive. I feel trapped and I hate it.

That's very difficult. I say to myself that I have no one who cares and thats a big reason why I desire to CTB, but then again it's a kind of relief, to be in your situation would be very tough too.

 

[unluckysadness]

I feel the same. SI is just so powerful. It doesn't makes sense because the brain knows our bad condition / illness. My brain knows I cannot recover. Was the brain designed to be masochistic and not be able to CTB ? I'm tired with all these metaphysical questions. I really hope we'll get some answers in the afterlife.

 

[Manfrotto99]

I feel the same. SI is just so powerful. It doesn't makes sense because the brain knows our bad condition / illness. My brain knows I cannot recover. Was the brain designed to be masochistic and not be able to CTB ? I'm tired with all these metaphysical questions. I really hope we'll get some answers in the afterlife.

I feel the same. SI is just so powerful. It doesn't makes sense because the brain knows our bad condition / illness. My brain knows I cannot recover. Was the brain designed to be masochistic and not be able to CTB ? I'm tired with all these metaphysical questions. I really hope we'll get some answers in the afterlife.

I find it interesting that you say your tierd of metaphysical questions yet your comment made me think metaphysically, even though you intended it not to lol. I think you mentioned to say does the SI mean to be masochistic? I'm left thinking does the SI know something the brain doesn't or visa versa. I also hope we find answers one way or another.

 

[Hellis]

It's never been good before, I know it'll only get worse. Hard not to be scared of living with purpose

 

[MyShadow]

I struggle with the survival instinct every single day. Every fiber of my being wants to end it now, but I have done very little to prepare my method. Because I have chosen a non-violent death, I need to acquire and assemble the parts so I can go peacefully. Turns out that it's much more complicated than I anticipated.

In the meantime, I'm forced to keep my body alive and to do so I have to go out in public to do so. Yesterday, I went to the grocery and there were much older men there. Many of them were alone. They looked sad, tired, lonely and just looked like they were waiting to die. Seeing these lonely, old men wandering through the aisles make me both sad and angry. I was sad for them because that must feel like Hell. But it made me angry because, unless I do something to end my life now, I will be stuck in that purgatory of being at the mercy of a death by natural causes.

Knowing how bad my situation is now, knowing that my finances and health and mental health are deteriorating, I don't want to wait. I want to be able to choose my exit. If I don't CTB now then I won't be strong or healthy enough to do it when I am old and frail.

Yet, right now, I am hiding out in my little rental room because I am too depressed to face the day. What I should be doing is gathering the supplies to facilitate my exit yet here I am.

 

[Obliviate]

This is how I felt this morning. Only because of my cats though. That's the toughest part. Parting ways from them. This morning I was letting my cat out of my room and he always turns and looks back at me endearingly and meows/talks. I thought about seeing him do that for the last time before I commit and I became incredibly sad and SI came in.

 

[Nauyaca]

"It is not worth the bother of killing yourself, since you always kill yourself too late"

- Emil Cioran

Even if you find the courage, all the pain you have endured will not go away, you already felt it, there is no compensation for it, this is by far the most brutal aspect of existence, and yet, people still endure, we were programmed to live by forces we can't control in the least.

The only way to go ahead with suicide in this circumstance is when the pain becomes so acute that death becomes preferable to life, it is not my case yet, maybe you relate to this too.

How many of us are trapped in this limbo where you don't want to live but you also don't want to die? I'm there, maybe you are too, this has only three resolutions the way I understand it.

Either we kill ourselves from an utilitarian perspective (stop the pain even against the fear of dying) find a way to escape the pain and live a meaningful life, or maybe the worst one, keep living in this state until natural death takes us.

I'm working on the second one, but it is not easy, or pleasurable, it's only that it is the least awful choice...... For now.

 

[Unknown21]

Same thing. It was hard enough to find a painless and relatively peaceful way. Although it is a relatively easy method to implement, it is not psychologically so at all. You will always find yourself in extreme fear of death and the unknown, shocking those around you with your death. I don't know why things have to be so complicated. Neither life is easy nor death is easy. This existence is torture.

 

[Raindancer]

I was thinking about this yesterday as I was driving home.

 

[akafuka1999]

Same problem. My SI too strong. And I dont know how to do charcoal method. I am too stupid. What grill and how to make the fire. And I am afraid of brain damage.

 

[mourningyesterday]

its hard enough for me to find a reasonable method to kill myself, but i'm truly terrified that even when i do get a chance ill be a coward and back out. to be clear, this isn't the remnant of some desire to live. i do not enjoy living. i am in pain for the majority of my time awake, and at all times im haunted by things i cant ever forget. but im still scared im going to spend my entire life avoiding death and suffering like this, day after day after day. survival instinct is so cruel. i don't understand why i cant just die and be done with it since i despise living so much, but i suppose thats just my luck
i dont know if anyone else experiences this fear, but perhaps due to my catholic upbringing, im sometimes genuinely afraid ill go to hell or something like that. if i had the guts id probably be able to get lucky and kill myself right now, but i dont. i dont want to spend my entire life like this. i wish i could just die in my sleep

feel the exact same with everything u said right down to the catholic connection, i just wish it was different and didn't have to suffer so much

 

[itsgone2]

I'm the same. Also tired of wrestling with this. There has to be a way out.

 

[TheCallOfTheStars]

I think about this a lot too. Sometimes I wish that a freak accident could happen so I can skip the hard parts of CTB.

 

[StoicPizza]

I keep missing windows of opportunity