Venting I'm addicted to pain. TW: SA & SH

[halleyscomet]

I have a serious addiction for self harm, not in a kinky way lol but at this point I will do anything and everything to harm myself.

I hurt myself until I bruise and bleed daily.

I got myself raped the other day knowing it would happen and I got drunk and let him, and now I'm in pain.

I run into traffic, I yell at people on the street hoping they'll beat the shit out of me.

I get blackout drunk and od on random meds to the point it is destroying my liver.

And the thing is, it's never enough. I never feel hurt enough or valid enough and I keep on going hoping that one day it will kill me or give me the guts to ctb.

 

[anhedonya]

I am so sorry you're going through these difficulties. I just want to say first off that you are NOT at fault for the assault and did not deserve that. I know you don't think you deserve to be cared for, and the system is horrific most of the time so I would understand if the answer was no, but is there anyway you'd be willing to at least get some tests done? Just to make sure you're safe internally? You didn't let him do anything, nobody deserves assault even if they walk naked through the busiest street in town.

I really feel for you. Please know that I don't think you deserved any of this and especially not hat happened with that man. You're suffering and you're seeking pain because of it, but that does not make you evil or some kind of instigator.

 

[halleyscomet]

I am so sorry you're going through these difficulties. I just want to say first off that you are NOT at fault for the assault and did not deserve that. I know you don't think you deserve to be cared for, and the system is horrific most of the time so I would understand if the answer was no, but is there anyway you'd be willing to at least get some tests done? Just to make sure you're safe internally? You didn't let him do anything, nobody deserves assault even if they walk naked through the busiest street in town.

I really feel for you. Please know that I don't think you deserved any of this and especially not hat happened with that man. You're suffering and you're seeking pain because of it, but that does not make you evil or some kind of instigator.

If the pain continues, I may go to my gp. Thankfully there's no risk of std's or pregnancy in this case so I don't need to worry about any of that.

I will not report him to the police as I love him and he does seem regretful about what he did, and the authorities where I live are horrible.

In all honestly I don't remember exactly what happened, I was passing in and out of consciousness, but I don't think there is any severe internal damage.

Yeah he fucked up but he cares for me, maybe in a fucked way but he does and in this world you take what you can get. I was the one that went out drunk with a boy at 3am in his car it's my responsibility.

 

[mehdone]

I actually understand this. I spent decades making the absolute worst life choices I possibly could in the hope that it would either kill me, or bring me to the point that I could overcome SI.

I'm sorry. It's fucking brutal, isn't it?

Life shouldn't be so hard, and death shouldn't be so hard, that we feel the need to resort to this. But it fucking is.
Side note, rape is never the responsibility of the victim. Period. No matter how vulnerable you were or what position you put yourself in.

 

[anhedonya]

If the pain continues, I may go to my gp. Thankfully there's no risk of std's or pregnancy in this case so I don't need to worry about any of that.

I will not report him to the police as I love him and he does seem regretful about what he did, and the authorities where I live are horrible.

In all honestly I don't remember exactly what happened, I was passing in and out of consciousness, but I don't think there is any severe internal damage.

Yeah he fucked up but he cares for me, maybe in a fucked way but he does and in this world you take what you can get. I was the one that went out drunk with a boy at 3am in his car it's my responsibility.

I've been where you are before, thinking this way about myself and rushing into everything that could possibly destroy my life even more, and so I understand that this is something you might not be willing or ready to hear. I mean it with care and I wish the best for you.

Love is not supposed to hurt, physically or emotionally. You're not supposed to lose entire chunks of memories of sexual encounters. I more than understand wanting to stay away from the cops, so I don't blame you for not wanting to file a report, but no one who can do this to you could possibly love you. Maybe he did once, but now the warmth is gone. No one "accidentally" assaults someone else or makes the mistake of it. It's an intentional act. You don't have to just take what you can get. There are good friends and partners in this world and dozens upon hundreds upon thousands of people who would never fathom the idea of doing this to you.

This is not your responsibility. Even if you went to his house at 4AM in nothing at all, that still wouldn't justify him hurting you. Even if you said yes at first and 3 seconds later said no, that still wouldn't justify him pushing the topic.

I'm sorry for what you're going through. I know this isn't easy to hear and maybe you won't believe me. But you do deserve better and your life can be so much better without this man.

I wish you the best of luck for your situation.