I’m “abusing my parents”

[iamalreadydead]

my mom latched on to this phrase and narrative that I'm abusing her and my father. I'm living with them and rely on them for rides to work and shelter still. Both of them have been extremely violent towards me in my childhood and neglected my mental and physical struggles and continuously violated my autonomy well into adulthood, things like beating me over my shyness and forcing me to walk laps because I am queer. Choking me out for the littlest things. Shit like that. I left for a bit and had to come back. Most things they do now I don't really care about and I guess it is accurate to say I take advantage of them every chance I get because I feel justified in doing so. I take money from them, break their shit when they do stuff that pisses me off- not in a way I'd consider unjustified, best example of this is my dad recently hit me and shoved me against the refrigerator over food I was cooking. It was a dumb argument that I don't wanna get into. In response to this I got angry to the point where the second he left the house I stole a couple of his watches out of his room and submerged his schoolwork in water. I take their clothes if they fit me and don't contribute at all. I'm just saving money until I can leave again. I don't feel bad about any of this shit.

But I'm worried. I think I'm just an inherently entitled person now and I don't want to be. I don't want to hurt people like this when I leave again. I feel like I'm distancing myself more and more from the empathetic nature I valued when I first left the more I give into rage and "vengeance" I guess. I know in their mind they legitimately think everything they've done to me was justified and my repulsion and apathy towards them for it doesn't compute- so it's on me to treat them like the confused animals they are and not give into pettiness. But it's the only fucking thing that satisfies me honestly. I just like that I can make them suffer the way I did now. literally my only goal right now is to start lifting and get bigger/stronger so the next time my dad hurts me and the next time my mom defends him I can really fucking put them in their place. Which I know is wrong! It shouldn't be motivating and it shouldn't be satisfying but it fucking is and I don't fucking want it to

 

[Alcoholic Teletubby]

I get where you're coming from. They sound like shitty parents to me, tho.

 

[noname223]

my mom latched on to this phrase and narrative that I'm abusing her and my father. I'm living with them and rely on them for rides to work and shelter still. Both of them have been extremely violent towards me in my childhood and neglected my mental and physical struggles and continuously violated my autonomy well into adulthood, things like beating me over my shyness and forcing me to walk laps because I am queer. Choking me out for the littlest things. Shit like that. I left for a bit and had to come back. Most things they do now I don't really care about and I guess it is accurate to say I take advantage of them every chance I get because I feel justified in doing so. I take money from them, break their shit when they do stuff that pisses me off- not in a way I'd consider unjustified, best example of this is my dad recently hit me and shoved me against the refrigerator over food I was cooking. It was a dumb argument that I don't wanna get into. In response to this I got angry to the point where the second he left the house I stole a couple of his watches out of his room and submerged his schoolwork in water. I take their clothes if they fit me and don't contribute at all. I'm just saving money until I can leave again. I don't feel bad about any of this shit.

But I'm worried. I think I'm just an inherently entitled person now and I don't want to be. I don't want to hurt people like this when I leave again. I feel like I'm distancing myself more and more from the empathetic nature I valued when I first left the more I give into rage and "vengeance" I guess. I know in their mind they legitimately think everything they've done to me was justified and my repulsion and apathy towards them for it doesn't compute- so it's on me to treat them like the confused animals they are and not give into pettiness. But it's the only fucking thing that satisfies me honestly. I just like that I can make them suffer the way I did now. literally my only goal right now is to start lifting and get bigger/stronger so the next time my dad hurts me and the next time my mom defends him I can really fucking put them in their place. Which I know is wrong! It shouldn't be motivating and it shouldn't be satisfying but it fucking is and I don't fucking want it to

I can relate to this. I was abused by my mom as a child and noone in my family defended me. At least the abuse has stopped for me. I could imagine leaving this toxic environment could be benefical for you though I don't know all the details.

I am also torn between vengeance, loathing and accepting them and the past. I don't have a good answer not even for my own life. I just do whatever feels right for me. There are lines which I draw. I don't rub them my hatred in their face every single day at the same time I make it clear to them that I don't want to spend time with them. I think some family of mine are sad that I don't want to spend time with them. I try to be numb towards that. They have done so much fucked up shit that I decided this cannot be repaired. Even after the abuse when I wanted to talk about it as an adult they joked about it. This broke the camel's back for me. I suffer so much because of them. In case I postpone my suicide I will wait till they are dead. Though in case my extreme pain returns it won't stop me.

But I think your situation sounds way worse. I am sorry I can't help you better.

 

[MiesePeter98]

I think i can somewhat understand you, cause i had a similiar experience with my narcissistic stepdad that also was a alcoholic and my mother with borderline always defending him, also called co dependent.
What I learned, they tend to always find the problems in you, they're never wrong.
Second is, that you begin to distance yourself, getting "cold as a stone" to cope with this constant bullshit and psychological violence, i mean so it was for me.
On that sitting home living on their money and even stole money from them, but the only thing why I could do that cause they couldn't do anyting out of their view cause narcs always care what others thinking and try to hide it.

Also i can tell you, when i left my home, i also fighted with my stepdad the first time, cause I wasn't depended on him anymore, cause i was living elsewhere.
He just going to cry and tell you're the monster and tries to tell anyone and himself you're the bad person again, but I would lie if it wasn't satisfied feeling to put in his place. Also when he hurts you, you still have the option to call the police. Cause everytime he does it to you with no consequences, the chances are high he will do it again. But it also can escalate the situation, where you maybe in some point have to leave your parents, its all your choice. For example I didn't do it until i moved out, but somehow it still worked out to search for a appartment. I started working on myself when I moved out.

I'm sorry if said something wrong, this is my first post and tried to give tips based on experience but without saying that you know how you feel or what is right for you.