Saturn_
Arcanist
- Apr 22, 2024
- 423
It's common knowledge that abuse victims tend to subconsciously re-enter abusive relationships because of the environment they are used to. I feel like my childhood trauma was so heinous that this will perpetuate until the day I die -- that I can never be loved unless it's abusive or harmful in some way or another. I can tell that my illness is unattractive and repulsive to healthy people, and has proven very enticing for people who want to take advantage of me.
I've been sexually groomed twice, once when I was 13, and I once dated a man who expressed the desire to physically mutilate me, and chase me down and rape me. Once I was coerced into nearly swallowing all my medication, and he laughed at me when SI took over and I spit them out, and taunted me, saying I'll never do it. That only further motivates me to go through with everything. When I would self harm, he would turn the conversation sexual. And when I have been with more well-adjusted people, I just explode uncontrollably, even when I don't actually want to do it, and get absolutely nothing out of it. It's like all I know how to do, the only way I know how to express "love". None of my relationships or friendships have ever been truly healthy on both sides. I either abuse others or vice versa.
I am so tired of this existence of perpetuating, unavoidable misery. I wish I had the capacity to love and be loved in a healthy, happy way. I want to kiss, hug, cuddle, hold hands, without any violence, without any coercion or pain. But I know I am too broken for it to ever happen. If other people don't destroy me, I am destined to destroy them.
So I've cut off everyone from my life. I promise, for the safety of others and myself, never to let anyone in like that again. For now it's lonely, but it won't be like this forever. I already have my SN. All I need to do is pick up the metoclopramide and I can start planning to end mine and others' misery forever. If I don't pussy out, hopefully it can be next week when my mom and sister are at my grandma's house. I've accepted that I can't be loved the way that I'd want to love, that therapy hasn't and won't help me, that there is no way out besides suicide. Hopefully I can dispose of these damaged goods with as little hassle as possible. It really does feel like I was destined to kill myself.
I've been sexually groomed twice, once when I was 13, and I once dated a man who expressed the desire to physically mutilate me, and chase me down and rape me. Once I was coerced into nearly swallowing all my medication, and he laughed at me when SI took over and I spit them out, and taunted me, saying I'll never do it. That only further motivates me to go through with everything. When I would self harm, he would turn the conversation sexual. And when I have been with more well-adjusted people, I just explode uncontrollably, even when I don't actually want to do it, and get absolutely nothing out of it. It's like all I know how to do, the only way I know how to express "love". None of my relationships or friendships have ever been truly healthy on both sides. I either abuse others or vice versa.
I am so tired of this existence of perpetuating, unavoidable misery. I wish I had the capacity to love and be loved in a healthy, happy way. I want to kiss, hug, cuddle, hold hands, without any violence, without any coercion or pain. But I know I am too broken for it to ever happen. If other people don't destroy me, I am destined to destroy them.
So I've cut off everyone from my life. I promise, for the safety of others and myself, never to let anyone in like that again. For now it's lonely, but it won't be like this forever. I already have my SN. All I need to do is pick up the metoclopramide and I can start planning to end mine and others' misery forever. If I don't pussy out, hopefully it can be next week when my mom and sister are at my grandma's house. I've accepted that I can't be loved the way that I'd want to love, that therapy hasn't and won't help me, that there is no way out besides suicide. Hopefully I can dispose of these damaged goods with as little hassle as possible. It really does feel like I was destined to kill myself.
