Venting i’m a total failure

[juneisdoomed]

i should probably preface this by saying that this is not what has been causing the bulk of my suicidal thoughts. i have been suicidal for years, this is just another contributing factor.

i have truly failed myself and everyone around me. i've had impeccable grades all my life up until now. recently, something changed.

currently, i'm failing half my classes and i've totally given up on everything. i missed a month of school and then i was hospitalized for self harm, which was my fifth time being admitted to a mental hospital. i am very, very hard on myself when it comes to school and - even though i've given up on myself - i still feel like a complete failure because of my grades and attendance. i feel crushed by the weight of my missing assignments. i don't feel like i'll ever make it all up.

i had perfect grades just a month ago. what happened to me? i've just been sitting home rotting away for well over a month. the suicidal thoughts that i've been having for all my life finally caught up to me and i lost all motivation. all i can think about is wanting to be gone. i went back to school last week and the gravity of how much i had missed really set in.

i feel like an ungrateful swine because so many people have problems way more severe than this. a lot of people don't even have the privilege of getting an education in the first place. i wish i had never missed so much school. i want to be successful, but i don't think i can be anymore.

i wish i could just disappear forever. i cannot explain how awful all of this has been making me feel. i don't know if i'm going to college. i don't know if i'll even be alive by the end of the school year. i don't know what to do.

 

[tonicer]

i feel like an ungrateful swine because so many people have problems way more severe than this.

Don't think like that. We all have our problems and we should never compare them with others. What is easy for you is an unsolvable issue for someone else and vice versa.

Also don't obsess about school or college. I studied and it got me nowhere. An apprenticeship is so much better. Aim for that if you can.

I studied CS and i am trying to find a job in my field for many many years. I lost hope to actually get one which in turn made me deeply depressed and even downright suicidal.

 

[juneisdoomed]

Don't think like that. We all have our problems and we should never compare them with others. What is easy for you is an unsolvable issue for someone else and vice versa.

Also don't obsess about school or college. I studied and it got me nowhere. An apprenticeship is so much better. Aim for that if you can.

I studied CS and i am trying to find a job in my field for many many years. I lost hope to actually get one which in turn made me deeply depressed and even downright suicidal.

thank you. it's hard for me to not focus on my education because my performance in school has been the only thing i've been able to brag about for my entire life. but i think you're right. the school year is almost over, and i get to move on and decide what i want to do with my life.

 

[itsgone2]

I studied CS and i am trying to find a job in my field for many many years. I lost hope to actually get one which in turn made me deeply depressed and even downright suicidal.

This industry has been completely betrayed.

 

[The Disqualified]

i have truly failed myself and everyone around me. i've had impeccable grades all my life up until now, but something changed.

currently, i'm failing half my classes and i've totally given up on everything. i missed a month of school and then i was hospitalized for self harm, which was my fifth time being sent somewhere. i am very, very hard on myself when it comes to school and, even though i've given up on myself, i still feel like a complete failure because of my grades and attendance. i feel crushed by the weight of my missing assignments. i don't feel like i'll ever make it all up.

i had perfect grades just a month ago. what happened to me? i'd just been sitting home rotting away for a month. all i could think about was wanting to be gone, and those thoughts still haven't gone away. i went back to school last week and the gravity of how much i had missed really set in.

i feel like an ungrateful swine because so many people have problems way more severe than this. a lot of people don't even have the privilege of getting an education in the first place. i wish i had never missed so much school. i want to be successful, but i don't think i can be anymore.

i wish i could just disappear forever. i cannot explain how awful all of this has been making me feel. i don't know if i'm going to college. i don't know if i'll even be alive by the end of the school year. i don't know what to do.

There is something in your words that really struck me. I remember well my highschool experience. It was horrible. I also had incredible grades, top of the school. I was always considered the "intelligent" kid ever since the early days. But then suddenly something changed: I started performing poorly, my grades went down, and I lost interest in everything. I lost all of the little vitality I still had. That is when everything that had been building up inside me all throughout my life finally took its toll on me, and I plunged into a deep depression.
I can't tell if your situation is similar, but in my case I suffered through rejection and loneliness for way too long. My social anxiety and alienation from society ruined me in many ways I can't even yet comprehend, and high school was when it all fell apart.
I don't think you should guilt-trip yourself. Your suffering is valid, and the fact that you even reflect on your priviliged education is something good about you.
My advice would be for you to try your hardest to keep up with school as it can really be important for your future. However, I am also struggling to keep up at college, so I know how difficult it can be.
I hope you improve. Sending best wishes.

 

[juneisdoomed]

There is something in your words that really struck me. I remember well my highschool experience. It was horrible. I also had incredible grades, top of the school. I was always considered the "intelligent" kid ever since the early days. But then suddenly something changed: I started performing poorly, my grades went down, and I lost interest in everything. I lost all of the little vitality I still had. That is when everything that had been building up inside me all throughout my life finally took its toll on me, and I plunged into a deep depression.
I can't tell if your situation is similar, but in my case I suffered through rejection and loneliness for too long. My social anxiety and alienation from society ruined me in many ways I can't even yet comprehend; and high school was when it all fell apart.
I don't think you should guilt-trip yourself. Your suffering is valid, and the fact that you even reflect on your priviliged education is something good about you.
My advice would be for you to try your hardest to keep up with school as it can really be important for your future. However, I am also struggling to keep up at college so I know how difficult it can be.
I hope you improve. Sending best wishes.

thank you so much. your situation is incredibly similar to mine; the only difference being that i'm not all that socially isolated. i'm considerably outgoing and regarded as such by a lot of people. the fact that i've totally crushed my social anxiety makes me all the more confused as to how this happened to me.