felloffmydinosaur
Member
- Jun 18, 2025
- 21
This is my first post. I have been drinking, which is uncommon for me. So I hope I make sense. I started self harming in 3rd grade. I feel like I fell out of the womb depressed. Fast forward, I'm in my 30's, I have 3 children. With my husband for 18 years this year. My last just turned 3. My PPD was horrendous. He was born at 25 weeks and almost died several times, then my BIL died 6 days after his birth, then my oldest friend since preschool from suicide 2 days later. *my brain fucking broke*
My life is not that bad. My son is a medical baby, we have 30 appointments a month sometimes. It's crazy. But he's doing much better in most ways, but I'm the only one really that knows how to work his G tube and doctors and what not.
But, I want to die. So bad. I survived a hanging attempt that no one knew about. I fell out of the U shaped cord and was collapsed and disoriented for a while. I wish I didn't make it. I want to buy a gun that won't obliterate anything except my brain but I don't know which one to get.
I feel so selfish. Like, how can I still be so suicidal despite having kids? I'm medicated, even on lithium, and have weekly therapy. But I'm so fucked up. I hate myself. What kind of mother breastfeeds while looking at pictures of shotgun heads to try to talk herself out of it. (I had just been shooting one and pointed it at my face just to see if I could reach.) We were camping and my husband really hurt me right after that. So when I breastfed, all I could think was I wish I had really done it. But it was my nephews gun and he was right by me and I had custody of him and couldn't traumatize him like that. All I can do is overthink how I will logistically fuck up everyone's lives when I die, but I also feel like they're better off.
What the hell do I do from here? I'm so tired. I don't want to continue. I'm desperate.
My life is not that bad. My son is a medical baby, we have 30 appointments a month sometimes. It's crazy. But he's doing much better in most ways, but I'm the only one really that knows how to work his G tube and doctors and what not.
But, I want to die. So bad. I survived a hanging attempt that no one knew about. I fell out of the U shaped cord and was collapsed and disoriented for a while. I wish I didn't make it. I want to buy a gun that won't obliterate anything except my brain but I don't know which one to get.
I feel so selfish. Like, how can I still be so suicidal despite having kids? I'm medicated, even on lithium, and have weekly therapy. But I'm so fucked up. I hate myself. What kind of mother breastfeeds while looking at pictures of shotgun heads to try to talk herself out of it. (I had just been shooting one and pointed it at my face just to see if I could reach.) We were camping and my husband really hurt me right after that. So when I breastfed, all I could think was I wish I had really done it. But it was my nephews gun and he was right by me and I had custody of him and couldn't traumatize him like that. All I can do is overthink how I will logistically fuck up everyone's lives when I die, but I also feel like they're better off.
What the hell do I do from here? I'm so tired. I don't want to continue. I'm desperate.
. My husband works and I stay at home. That's how he helps mostly is with money. I would like a break, but it's not a big deal really that I don't get one. When I'm by myself, my mind gets scary. I don't trust myself when I don't have the distractions. 
