I'm a hypocrite

[MYStERY_Man]

All right, let's try this. Dig through my posts and you'll see that, ideally, I think everyone should try their best at recovery, be completely honest with their therapists, and simply take risks.

Well, I posted this on April 28th, last week:

Yes. It used to be that I cared about having a SO, but no longer. I don't even think friends are necessary. On the other hand, we do live in a society and this kind of POV does put me in a precarious position.

5 years from now I'd like to be a digital nomad who also happens to make some music and play poker tournaments all across the country. I don't need anyone with me to do this.

But to get there, I might. I've been neglecting my relationships for long that all I've got left are my parents and my grandma. I have a job I can't properly do, but should find a way to hang on at least for a year. Finally, when/if I abandon everything to really throw myself towards that path, I'm bound to disappoint the last remains of my social support and will have to find a way to get by entirely on my own (or give up).

Loneliness doesn't make it worthless, it just makes it much harder when the environment keeps trying to bend you to its demands.

It's a lie!

In that exact same day I did a guided therapy session on an app (whose name I'll keep a secret in order to not divulge my country). It was about the danger of having way too high expectations and living as if they were real things while neglecting actual opportunities in the present. At one point, the guide asks me to focus on what's really important. As soon as he said those words, I saw every single friend I've ever had in my life. And I thought I had aphantasia!

Weird, but ok. I'd just talk about it with my psychologist on Tuesday.

I didn't. Not trying my best, not completely honest.

Tuesday, the psychologist decided to recommend me a psychiatrist. I scheduled this one for next Monday.

Yesterday, there was a small birthday celebration at work.

This girl drops by and asks whether I want to participate. I say I can help with the money for the snacks, but I can't help with the eating.
- Not even the cake?
- No.
- But you will be there?
- Maybe.
- Don't go out for lunch.
- I will.

11:30 am, I'm leaving:
- Don't take too long.
- Back at 1:00 pm.

I come home, eat, play the guitar, go back. They've gathered.
I go to my office, browse the phone, listen to them singing happy birthday.
Girl comes by:
- Why didn't you go there?
- Because I came here.

Awful, pathetic. Not trying my best, not taking risks. If work was causing me anxiety, I fucked that up even further.

Somehow, it wasn't that hard to tell my folks I wanted money, it wasn't that hard to tell mom I'm looking for a whole other career after they invested so much in me, it wasn't that hard to say I'd take the job, to seek the psychologist or accept the suggestion of a psychiatrist. But if I have to say I'm not better of on my own and I miss having friends if only to hang out with, then it seems impossible. I keep pushing people away and it's not even like my last friends let me down or anything.

I guess the point of this thread is really just to see if something clicks in my head and to make sure the truth is out somewhere.

If there are any responses, I'll just thank you in advance as I don't always come back to my posts.

 

[Life_and_Death]

Somehow, it wasn't that hard to tell my folks I wanted money, it wasn't that hard to tell mom I'm looking for a whole other career after they invested so much in me, it wasn't that hard to say I'd take the job, to seek the psychologist or accept the suggestion of a psychiatrist. But if I have to say I'm not better of on my own and I miss having friends if only to hang out with, then it seems impossible. I keep pushing people away and it's not even like my last friends let me down or anything.

It's easier to talk to some people then it is others. It all depends on you and your personal experiences and the way the other person/people present themselves. you don't have to beat yourself up for what you didn't do in the past just try again in the future. Maybe start out with a smaller gathering. Take your loved ones out for lunch.

Also I wouldn't call you a hypocrite. You, nor anyone else, can be expected to take every step in life perfectly. So what you didn't tell your psychologist, just try to at your next appointment. Things happen in time and maybe it just wasn't your time to tell them.

 

[DarkNearDeath]

Aren't we..? We're here but still say to people that they shouldn't off themselves while in the midsts of planning our own