Venting I'm a hypocrite. A liar

[Yuki K]

All my life I've put myself forward as a jolly and fun man, who makes everyone laugh and laughs along with the others. I amaze others with my cheap magic tricks. At work, everyone knows me as that "happy-to-go-lucky" guy. My friends see me manage time for writing (which is kinda my hobby ig) and equestrian (a sport) along side with my work schedule, and today he asked me "how did I have my life so planned out?". We were drinking so I just scoffed the question off.

But everything is a façade, I don't have my life planned out rather I have my death planned out better than my life planned out. Everyday it becomes increasingly harder for me to live this life. It's as if I'm some else. I'm a totally different person when I'm with other people. I constantly have this urge to make everyone feel comfortable and happy even if it's out of my comfort zone in some cases. I constantly fear of saying something wrong and I don't want to speak to people at times. But since I'm an "extrovert" as other people tell me I am so I have to talk.

I don't know if I can live like this any longer.

Another thing that happened, while drinking with my colleagues was that the topic of suicide came up because a news was spreading about a little girl committing suicide in our locality. Everyone was mourning for her death and they started talking about how cruel and wrong suicide is, And i had to pitch into the convo and agreed that indeed suicide is selfish even though I don't think that's true in anyway. But I still said so. I feel so pathetic, being like some kind of pathological liar and hypocrite.

If you read the whole thing, I think you're awesome and have a great day/evening/night

 

[Tartuffe]

All my life I've put myself forward as a jolly and fun man, who makes everyone laugh and laughs along with the others. I amaze others with my cheap magic tricks. At work, everyone knows me as that "happy-to-go-lucky" guy. My friends see me manage time for writing (which is kinda my hobby ig) and equestrian (a sport) along side with my work schedule, and today he asked me "how did I have my life so planned out?". We were drinking so I just scoffed the question off.

But everything is a façade, I don't have my life planned out rather I have my death planned out better than my life planned out. Everyday it becomes increasingly harder for me to live this life. It's as if I'm some else. I'm a totally different person when I'm with other people. I constantly have this urge to make everyone feel comfortable and happy even if it's out of my comfort zone in some cases. I constantly fear of saying something wrong and I don't want to speak to people at times. But since I'm an "extrovert" as other people tell me I am so I have to talk.

I don't know if I can live like this any longer.

Another thing that happened, while drinking with my colleagues was that the topic of suicide came up because a news was spreading about a little girl committing suicide in our locality. Everyone was mourning for her death and they started talking about how cruel and wrong suicide is, And i had to pitch into the convo and agreed that indeed suicide is selfish even though I don't think that's true in anyway. But I still said so. I feel so pathetic, being like some kind of pathological liar and hypocrite.

If you read the whole thing, I think you're awesome and have a great day/evening/night

We all have to blend in, some are better. Its funny when you mention having your death more planned than your life, I never thought of it like that.

 

[Forever Sleep]

Don't be so hard on yourself. I think it's natural to fear not fitting in- so- to varying degrees I expect we all hide certain aspects of ourselves.

I think it's actually very selfess when people mask how they truly feel for the sake of others. Still- it's an enormous strain. Is there no one you can open up to more?

I suspect you are not alone actually. Even some comedians are deep depressives. In some ways, it seems all the more tragic that someone who clearly makes other people happy is struggling so much themselves.

 

[Yuki K]

Don't be so hard on yourself. I think it's natural to fear not fitting in- so- to varying degrees I expect we all hide certain aspects of ourselves.

I think it's actually very selfess when people mask how they truly feel for the sake of others. Still- it's an enormous strain. Is there no one you can open up to more?

I suspect you are not alone actually. Even some comedians are deep depressives. In some ways, it seems all the more tragic that someone who clearly makes other people happy is struggling so much themselves.

There are people I can open up to, but I'm scared he might admit me into some asylum without my permission because he would think that's what "best for me" and try to cure me. and ending up in an asylum or mental hospital scares me. I also don't want to burden anyone with my problems because no one really gives a damn