Venting im a coward

[Diamondzzz]

i felt like i've been suffering at at rock bottom for 4 years, maybe 5, yet i keep hiding it. i want to get help, but at the same time i want to die. i want to ctb yet im a complete coward... i cant push myself to actually go through with anything i just look at a method and go "wow i wish i could use this rn...." and never do. i have a loving mom and dad but i know theyd be disgusted if i said i was lgbtq+. so their love is limited.

i feel like all the bad things happen to me, and yet im crying while others have it worse.i feel terrible and guilty aboutit. i know im selfish and only want to hear kind words i break down if im criticised. im lazy and everything is my fault and yet i want to be forgiven and excused. i hate myself for it. i hate myself for everything i feel like im victimising myself for everything yet im not bettering myself.

 

[baabbaabbaab]

You're saying a lot of things here.

Regarding suicide, it's never cowardliness. It's actually quite the opposite : it's the hardest thing on Earth. We should never blame ourselves for failing at it or not following through.

Regarding what you said beside that, I think you could maybe talk about it in the Recovery forum because I'm feeling some kind of cry for help in your message, beyond suicide.

Anyway, don't be too hard on yourself. I hope you'll find what you're looking for and in the meantime, I wish you some peace of mind.

 

[WAITING TO DIE]

Suicide was regarded as a heroic act by the ancient Greeks and stoics.
It's only because of stupid religions that people have been brainwashed into thinking that Suicide is wrong.
You sound like you've been through a really hard time and shouldn't feel bad about it.
It's society that is at fault and not you because society is lacking in empathy and understanding for people like us.
There is no shame in the fact that you are suffering, and more than anything you deserve love and understanding.

 

[nembutal]

you are not a coward. you are a body equipped with survival instinct and self preservation.

about other peoples struggles and ranking them in terms of severity compared to yours- it doesn't matter. in your world, in your mind, your issues are pervasive and damaging. they are worthy of being treated like any one else's problems. that is all that matters.

 

[CTB Fella]

You said it.

 

[EvisceratedJester]

You aren't a coward. Just to get to the point of even choosing a method would be stressful for most people. Overcoming your SI can be hard. There's nothing to be ashamed about.

Don't go around comparing your struggles to other people's struggles. You could have had the worse life out there and there would still be someone else who has gone through worse. Your struggles are valid and there is nothing to feel guilty about. I'm also sorry about you not being able to come out to your parents. I'd imagine that must be difficult for you.

If you want to try getting help then you can give the recovery forum a chance.