Venting I’ll never know who I am

[mafuyu]

My first thread here; apologies if I format this wrong. I'm also on mobile.

I just don't understand people. The main thing about me is I have no goals or aspirations, I never have. It seems like everyone else has something they strive towards. I don't know who I am.

I have BPD, which comes with its own host of issues, but prominently so— a lack of identity. Which is something I've searched for now for years, and have yet to come up with anything.

People call me nice, they think I'm friendly, and it does feel good to be that way- because nobody likes an asshole. You catch more flies with honey. Duh. I'm very lucky in which I have a couple close online friends, but they have personalities. They have things they look forward to, things they want to be some day. I have nothing.

I have hobbies. I'm not particularly good at any of them, though. Nobody would miss me if I CTB tomorrow. And even if they did, they'd get over it quickly. My therapist has tried to get me to make plans, but I just can't see that far into the future, and again— there is nothing I want to do. Nothing I strive for.

Today and tomorrow and every day after, I just exist out of guilt and laziness.

 

[jodes2]

Yeah I know that feeling. The emptiness that comes with BPD is crippling. I have few interests and often don't have the motivation to do any of them. Very little feels satisfying.

 

[blanket99]

Speaking for myself, isolation is just so easy, and since my current downward episode has started I've found more comfort laying in bed, with a random Twitch stream on but not really paying attention.

I've made many attempts (sadly, not good enough) at changing. Even the past two weeks I've made it a point to walk around the neighborhood for exercise for an hour or so and try to at least say, "Good Morning!" to neighbors I've never met before. They appear kind and may even initiate pleasantries. I'll get home and be around a 6/10 mood, feeling okay about stuff but the adrenaline wears off, and I go back in my hole, content in being miserable but gravitate to that because it's easy, I guess.

I don't have any advice on the subject and I apologize for that, but I wanted you to know that you aren't alone by a long shot. I know there are alternatives but I'm either too scared or too lazy

 

[Hollowman]

I can relate with everything you wrote, I haven't been diagnosed with bpd but whatever it is it's very similar. Sorry you experience this.

 

[Bardo]

I totally get the isolating in one's cubby. I try like hell not to ruminate on all things in my past, as I get enraged at the bullies and backstabbers and the absent "god" and myself for having bought into the idea of a protector "god" or cosmic force. It's nice to know I'm not the only one who isolates. Music, meditation, reading help. I am aiming to leave this life in a bit over a year, as I still have vitally important things to finish up and get in place. A personal project can help absorb one's mind.

 

[movinout17]

I feel this. I dont feel like I have an identity either.