I'll never be happy.

[jeni-chan4]

I had a friend who ctb back in 2022. I think about her often... how she was able to come to terms with dying, how it felt, etc. They seem to think she used SN. I just hope it was painless and she's now at peace. She had BPD, as do I. I'll never be happy until I die. I'm in a relationship I'm miserable in and I'm trapped in it, as I have no where else to go... but any relationship I get into I'll feel the same way, because I can never have a stable, normal relationship. I don't have friends, nor do I want any. I struggle to connect to people on any level. No one truly likes me or cares about me anyway. It would be better if I weren't around, I don't matter. Yes, it will hurt the people around me and the thing that keeps me from attempting right now more than anything is my cat, she is extremely attached to me and I would feel so bad and guilty to leave her. But the pain I live in on a daily basis is unbearable. I am utterly alone in this mental anguish... this prison I have been sentenced to... And the only escape is death. I think about it everyday. I know it will happen one day, just when is the question... but until then, I think about my friend and how she was able to die, how she was able to arrange it, get the SN, make it all possible, how it felt, if she was scared, sad, remorseful... and how she was completely alone when she passed. It's been consuming me, along with everyone else on this website who feels the same. Death has been consuming me. I just long for an escape and peace.

 

[FuneralCry]

That must be really horrible what you go through, it's cruel how people have to suffer so much in this existence but anyway I hope that you eventually find the peace you search for.