Venting Ill be gone soon but im afraid of disappearing

[Falseunderworld]

I have so many thoughts all the time about how I'm going to disappear and no one will remember me and I'll just be left behind as a pile of dust on the ground as worms slowly eat my flesh ill never become a part of the earth again It's kind of a terrifying thought right now, my existence is literally like living of being unable to breathe I'm just here in the background while everyone else succeeds I see people so happy and I'm envious because I'll never have that. I just had a bunch of opportunities flunk on me. Everything I do seems to end in failure and honestly I'm just ready but if I did do it then I'm going to disappear and I feel really bad for some of the family that does care about me but I don't know I don't think I'll regret it because every other facet of my life is just a failure, I am literally here, but all I do is breathe and exist and it fucking sucks. I'm just in existence I'm just here not anything important. Does that make sense? Literally just being like here. I don't have a job. I don't have anyone left that loves me. I'm alone all the time and my thoughts just keep telling me do it do it do it but another thought in my brain says. Stay, I don't know why there's no reason for me to be here. I'm in constant suffering even when I'm trying to sleep I haven't been able to sleep because my thoughts are always suicidal it's just sad

 

[puella]

It actually takes a lot of strength to 'just' exist; you are not a failure. If something in you is telling you to stay, I would try to listen. You don't really need a logical reason to be alive, just do whatever will bring you the most comfort. I'm sorry getting through each day has been such a struggle, I know that can make it impossible to find comfort in life.

I hope you can rest your mind for a while and get some well deserved sleep tonight.

 

[ringo99]

Don't feel bad. Billions of humans have walked the earth over thousands of years and only a few hundred are actually remembered through the ages. It has always been that way and always will be. I've come to accept that the short time I wish to be alive is to just take care of those closest to me and after I'm gone to ensure the next decade or so of their lives after I'm gone are comfortable enough to pick up the pieces and move on. I have no reason to live beyond that. The pain of living is simply too much and I'm done trying to deal with it. Thoughts of ctb are the only thing keeping me sane enough to put my plan into action. Whether I'm remembered or not is irrelevant in the context of my loved ones' comfort.

 

[samsara_96]

Think about it this way: if the material world is really all there is, then it does not matter whether you disappear or not. The components that formed your body will somehow continue to exist and only the particular combination that you perceive as yourself will disappear. And this will happen to everyone regardless of their accomplishments, religion, wealth, socioeconomic status, education level, physical or mental well-being etc... Material disappearance is the end that is destined for all of us even if there is an afterlife. Also nothingness is nowhere near the worst case scenario for an afterlife: a malevolent God is. If the afterlife is truly structured like how current religions claim it is, then we are trapped in a terrible existence which can only multiply our pains. The best case scenario is a benevolent God who is filled with unconditional love and who is capable of forgiving those who are ready to apologize. Even if this puts burden the most on us (since then we need to repent for our actions), redemption is nowhere near as bad as being trapped in randomness and never-ending existence (the case of the malevolent God). However, the only people who can answer which scenario is the correct one are already dead and the only thing we can do is hope for the best but prepare for the worst. One should hope that there is a benevolent God but prepare for a malevolent one. Nothingness in the afterlife just means that death is a very long sleep and it is neither as good as a just afterlife nor as bad as a injust afterlife. It is just nothing.

That being said, your thoughts read like you are currently overwhelmed with life and emotions. And I know that loneliness is the most cruel punishment a human-being can receive. However, do not engage in any action that you will regret once the storm passes especially if you are scared of what awaits you in the future. First, try to calm down your thoughts. Try to understand why you are in an existential crisis. Is it because your life has lost all the meaning and there is no way to find a new meaning? Is it because society is not compatible with the meaning that you want to achieve? Is it that your meaning can only be achieved through others? Is it that your meaning is currently out of reach? Or are you simply just confused about life? I am not writing this to argue against your feelings of misery because I know that feelings are never invalid. I am not someone who thinks suicide is inherently bad or people should be prohibited from achieving it either. On the contrary, I believe that only the society should be held accountable for suicides unless the act was carried out to run away from a well deserved punishment. In fact, I plan to end my life after my sister is done with her university entrance exams in 3 years. However, I would advise everyone to establish their stance against existence more firmly. Even if that means you will end up hating existence all together. There are people like that among us too and that stance is just as valid as every other stance against existence and it will help you calm down your feelings (even if some annoyingly optimistic people hate to admit it). At least try to spend your remaining time in mental tranquility by understanding your existence better.

 

[Falseunderworld]

oh how unfortunate is it that i wasnt ASKING FOR YOUR ADVICE JUST VENTING

 

[samsara_96]

oh how unfortunate is it that i wasnt ASKING FOR YOUR ADVICE JUST VENTING

That is unfortunate and I am sorry if I made you feel bad. I did not mean to do that. I am genuinely sorry for doing that. I have been going through a weird phase right now. And I tried to give life a one more chance but it does not seem to work well. I guess I just ended up getting detached from reality and started speaking nonsense. I am in a state of complete physical idleness and I keep thinking about why my life happened to me the way it did. And I ended up learning the death of a high school friend of mine this week and I feel weirdly trapped here right now. I am sorry that I ended up sounding arrogant and supercilious. I think that I better take a break. And one last time, I am sorry.

 

[Falseunderworld]

That is unfortunate and I am sorry if I made you feel bad. I did not mean to do that. I am genuinely sorry for doing that. I have been going through a weird phase right now. And I tried to give life a one more chance but it does not seem to work well. I guess I just ended up getting detached from reality and started speaking nonsense. I am in a state of complete physical idleness and I keep thinking about why my life happened to me the way it did. And I ended up learning the death of a high school friend of mine this week and I feel weirdly trapped here right now. I am sorry that I ended up sounding arrogant and supercilious. I think that I better take a break. And one last time, I am sorry.

Its alright it just made me , instead of feeling comforted ,feel judged and criticized as if my decisions are just a ' crisis ' , im not mad just frustrated and i accept your apology

 

[Hystearical]

Part of the psychological process of suicide is removing, or at least greatly weakening, the attachment to what happens in this world after your death. You have to be able to do that if you want to CTB.

 

[Falseunderworld]

Part of the psychological process of suicide is removing, or at least greatly weakening, the attachment to what happens in this world after your death. You have to be able to do that if you want to CTB.

Exactly what im working on

 

[Ampsvx123]

Why do u desire so little, and most of all the lowliness, the vanities, the worthless, the caprices? Does this mad world feel home to you? If it does, than keep glorifying it, u might just get to stay! If the angels' light shame you, and you rather yearn for the demented ways of humanity, fear not dear, void you won't have, here you'll remain wandering in the fallows, specter of the night.

 

[leavingsoon99]

I tend not to worry about being remembered or forgotten. Humanity, itself, will be forgotten one day. I always use the example of Michael Jordan. He was a little less than a god when I was young. Now, he's a meme. 10 more years, he'll be a forgotten old man. People have already forgotten who Jim Brown was. Who Ty Cobb was. Every fighter who survived WWI is gone. Tomorrow is going to start without each and every one of us one day... whether we're psychologically ready or not. So, I don't see the point in worrying about it. That's just my opinion, though. Not trying to invalidate your feelings at all.

 

[Falseunderworld]

Why do u desire so little, and most of all the lowliness, the vanities, the worthless, the caprices? Does this mad world feel home to you? If it does, than keep glorifying it, u might just get to stay! If the angels' light shame you, and you rather yearn for the demented ways of humanity, fear not dear, void you won't have, here you'll remain wandering in the fallows, specter of the night.

What kind of preachy bullshit are you on. Fuck off in the nicest way possible , everyone here struggles with wanting to die and being unable to or being not ready yet, that doesnt mean i care about humanity that means i fucking hate myself and im working on accepting my own death , that doesnt make me ' focused on vanities' it means i felt sad about disappearing. No one would want to be actively forgotten .

I tend not to worry about being remembered or forgotten. Humanity, itself, will be forgotten one day. I always use the example of Michael Jordan. He was a little less than a god when I was young. Now, he's a meme. 10 more years, he'll be a forgotten old man. People have already forgotten who Jim Brown was. Who Ty Cobb was. Every fighter who survived WWI is gone. Tomorrow is going to start without each and every one of us one day... whether we're psychologically ready or not. So, I don't see the point in worrying about it. That's just my opinion, though. Not trying to invalidate your feelings at all.

Its more like im not ready yet and im working on it.

 

[Scattered-Soul]

Yeah, I get you. I don't know if you mean the exact same thing I'm personally thinking of but for me it's like a paradox, like I'm stuck. It doesn't feel like my problems could get better at all, suicide feels like the only reasonable answer, I want the suffering to end and to stop worrying over it. At the same time I'm terrified of disappearing, like the title says. I won't go into details with my thought process, I'm pretty sure the same things go through your head and it might just trigger both of us but it's so weird and annoying. We all know that all people die sooner or later and no one's existence really matters in the grand scheme of things, being remembered is pointless and yet this whole thing just freaks our sensitive human brains out. Being human is pretty hard and sucks a lot... for some of us at least.

I hope you manage to deal with these feelings, feel ready at some point or whatever you need. And I hope you find peace.

 

[TheSuicidalLlama]

disappearing is my goal, tho. i want it to be like if i've never existed.

 

[Falseunderworld]

Yeah, I get you. I don't know if you mean the exact same thing I'm personally thinking of but for me it's like a paradox, like I'm stuck. It doesn't feel like my problems could get better at all, suicide feels like the only reasonable answer, I want the suffering to end and to stop worrying over it. At the same time I'm terrified of disappearing, like the title says. I won't go into details with my thought process, I'm pretty sure the same things go through your head and it might just trigger both of us but it's so weird and annoying. We all know that all people die sooner or later and no one's existence really matters in the grand scheme of things, being remembered is pointless and yet this whole thing just freaks our sensitive human brains out. Being human is pretty hard and sucks a lot... for some of us at least.

I hope you manage to deal with these feelings, feel ready at some point or whatever you need. And I hope you find peace.

Exactly

 

[Ijustwanttorest]

How odd. To disappear, I feel, is to have peace. Ultimately, nothing in life objectively matters to the dead, uncaring universe we live in. If you find no value in life, then perhaps it'd be best to end it.