Venting Ig I'm trapped here

[cookiencream]

I've been posting a lot recently. Especially for a new member. I even sort of freaked out in my last post. I've kinda just come to the conclusion that I hate life but I'm also too skeptical to die if that's the word? I want to die but I always follow precautions when necessary like looking both ways and all that. Mainly because even if my kneejerk reaction is to just run out, I always pull myself back by saying that I'd just damage myself. Not actually die because of the speed. It's like I'm skeptical of every way to die because it's a russian roulette unless you get help. And just that fact makes me incapable of actually pulling the trigger in case I get the chamber without a bullet. I thought the fact that I'm clearly having a mental breakdown of some sorts would get rid of that, but it's so...attached to me ig. Ig I just have to make myself worse lolol. (Joking, I don't want to be alone)

 

[ChainedCrow]

I get that alot killing yourself is hard, even shooting yourself with a shotgun is not 100% certain (u would have to really off aim but it can happend. 99% is not 100% unfortunetly).

U have to accept the fact and prepare yourself best you can, most methods "guarantee" the killing part but something can go wrong its the unfortunate reality we live in. My words of widsom even if im probably younger than you is to just wait till u are 100% ready and accept the russian roulette, it will come or maybe u will be so scared of survivng an attempt that u will choose to recover.

Whatever happends i think time will tell u the answer to your fears. Maybe something will break and u will be done with living or maybe u will choose recovery. Like i said only time will tell whats right for you.

I wish u all the best and the answer on what to do will come quickly. Much love

 

[cookiencream]

I get that alot killing yourself even shooting yourself with a shotgun is not 100% certain (u would have to really off aim but it can happend. 99% is not 100% unfortunetly).

U have to accept the fact and prepare yourself best you can, most methods "guarantee" the killing part but something can go wrong its the unfortunate reality we live in. My words of widsom even if im probably younger than you is to just wait till u are 100% ready and accept the russian roulette, it will come or maybe u will be so scared of survivng an attempt that u will choose to recover.

Whatever happends i think time will tell u the answer to your fears. Maybe something will break and u will be done with living or maybe u will choose recovery. Like i said only time will tell whats right for you.

I wish u all the best and the answer on what to do will come quickly. Much love

Lmao someone did break me a lil while I was in recovery. My ex lolol. It's probably why I went from just thinking about it passively and pushing down the planning to actively attempting. My mental health was being held together by gum and tic tacs. Idk what stronger than love can make me fully break. He was the only thing I cared about until I started recovering a little....maybe if he broke up with me when I was a little worse off it could work? Idk I guess I'll have to get another boyfriend but my attachment system is fucked rn so I wouldn't care about him.

 

[ChainedCrow]

maybe if he broke up with me when I was a little worse off it could work? Idk I guess I'll have to get another boyfriend but my attachment system is fucked rn so I wouldn't care about him.

Im sorry to hear u had such a terrible experience with your ex.

Maybe if i happend earlier when u were worse mentally it would push u way harder or maybe u would be in the same exact spot u are now. Your attachment system might be fixable so maybe your next boyfriend/friend will be better and actually help recover and stick with you.

I think u have some hope left in you other than the fear of consequences of a failed attempt. Time will tell if anyone will show up in your life and support you through recovery or not, for now it seems like u have to be stuck with us on this site even if for a little bit longer ;)

Much love once again

 

[NutOrat]

I want to die but I always follow precautions when necessary like looking both ways and all that. Mainly because even if my kneejerk reaction is to just run out, I always pull myself back by saying that I'd just damage myself.

This is sooo real! I've had this question for so long in my head that I never vocalized: why is it that, if I want to die so much, do I still look both ways, always put on the seat belt, etc. Am I just a coward? I guess we're too well programmed to avoid pain, or it's just that all the ways that you can be screwed if you do survive are so much scarier than the thought of being in pain moments before death. That's why people who succeed to CTB are very strong, because they followed through, but also undeniably lucky. Also people who SH, I could never.

Sorry you had to go through that, breakups are a bitch. If you're not sure about CTB, at least take care of yourself for the time being, and maybe, just maybe, you'll start feeling better.