Un-
I'm a failure. An absolute waste. A LOSEr.
- Apr 6, 2021
- 654
It's a quote from my favourite movie, An Elephant Sitting Still. It's how I feel at the moment.
Wei Bu at that point lost everything. He lost his friends. He was being hunted by the police and a gang. He was kicked out of school. His grandmother died, and his family is abusive. There was nothing left for him to do.
I feel like him, a lot of the time. A lot of my life has crumbled. I can't even begin to describe it. It's written somewhere, probably.. But just being incessantly hit, over and over again..
It's 35 minutes left until I prepare my SN. I've said goodbye to my friends. If I haven't left them a note, then it means I've already told them everything I wanted to.
It's really hard, this decision. But what's even harder is knowing how, for the rest of my life, I'll never be happy. I'll never find peace.
I have a lot of problems weighing me down. Loneliness, depression, anxiety, trauma, sociopathy.. And then the other problems of my life - God they're so many. I'm watching my life crumble down. And what's even worse, is that my life will remain as rubble for a very, very long time.
And despite all of this, I don't wish I could be better. I don't care. Everything is killing me, and I don't care..
The movie ended with Wei Bu running away. He knew his problems were going to chase him. He knew the grass isn't greener on the other side. But he went because there was nothing making him stay. Hu Bo, the director of the movie, probably felt the same. Hu Bo killed himself shortly after the movie was released.. And it's said that the movie was his autobiography..
And that's the reason I'm leaving.. Because there's nothing here for me.
----
I doubt that this community knows me. But I do want to say that I'm glad that it exists. I'm glad that there's a place where people can just be themselves - whether they're a @Chinaski, or a @FuneralCry. It can be a mess at times, but there's something beautiful about this place, and the people in it. I hope it lives for a long time.
I said to myself I wouldn't cry, heh.
I guess this is goodbye.
* I'm listening to Duster's full discography while I wait. I've always wanted to die in space. But I guess this is good enough.
* Mods, if I'm not online in 24 hours time, then can you please ban me?
Update:
Data has been wiped. SN has been mixed (you're gonna wanna crush the powder and mix it. If you're using a syringe, don't forget to flick the tip to get the air bubbles out). And, goodbyes said. I think that's it. I'm shaking heh.
Update 2:
SN tastes horrible. But if you want to practice, pour 5 table spoons of salt in 100 ml of water, and you'll get the idea. My heart is racing. And I'm feeling a bit droosy. I don't feel pain.. Just discomfort. And a disgusting after taste (it tastes like salt. Pure, plain salt. Ugh).
Wei Bu at that point lost everything. He lost his friends. He was being hunted by the police and a gang. He was kicked out of school. His grandmother died, and his family is abusive. There was nothing left for him to do.
I feel like him, a lot of the time. A lot of my life has crumbled. I can't even begin to describe it. It's written somewhere, probably.. But just being incessantly hit, over and over again..
It's 35 minutes left until I prepare my SN. I've said goodbye to my friends. If I haven't left them a note, then it means I've already told them everything I wanted to.
It's really hard, this decision. But what's even harder is knowing how, for the rest of my life, I'll never be happy. I'll never find peace.
I have a lot of problems weighing me down. Loneliness, depression, anxiety, trauma, sociopathy.. And then the other problems of my life - God they're so many. I'm watching my life crumble down. And what's even worse, is that my life will remain as rubble for a very, very long time.
And despite all of this, I don't wish I could be better. I don't care. Everything is killing me, and I don't care..
The movie ended with Wei Bu running away. He knew his problems were going to chase him. He knew the grass isn't greener on the other side. But he went because there was nothing making him stay. Hu Bo, the director of the movie, probably felt the same. Hu Bo killed himself shortly after the movie was released.. And it's said that the movie was his autobiography..
And that's the reason I'm leaving.. Because there's nothing here for me.
----
I doubt that this community knows me. But I do want to say that I'm glad that it exists. I'm glad that there's a place where people can just be themselves - whether they're a @Chinaski, or a @FuneralCry. It can be a mess at times, but there's something beautiful about this place, and the people in it. I hope it lives for a long time.
I said to myself I wouldn't cry, heh.
I guess this is goodbye.
* I'm listening to Duster's full discography while I wait. I've always wanted to die in space. But I guess this is good enough.
* Mods, if I'm not online in 24 hours time, then can you please ban me?
Update:
Data has been wiped. SN has been mixed (you're gonna wanna crush the powder and mix it. If you're using a syringe, don't forget to flick the tip to get the air bubbles out). And, goodbyes said. I think that's it. I'm shaking heh.
Update 2:
SN tastes horrible. But if you want to practice, pour 5 table spoons of salt in 100 ml of water, and you'll get the idea. My heart is racing. And I'm feeling a bit droosy. I don't feel pain.. Just discomfort. And a disgusting after taste (it tastes like salt. Pure, plain salt. Ugh).
Last edited:
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