I haven't slept properly in 9 months and am in constant physical and psychological pain. I am staying at my ill Mother's house who is also on the verge of death.
When she dies I'll have nowhere to go, and will have to cope with her death as well, which is something I've feared since I was 10 years old.
Hopefully if I die first then the grief will finish her off. She has suffered more than enough in this life.
I have extreme anxiety which worsens upon hearing sound. I literally spend my days lying in bed with a white noise generating machine, trying to mask all sounds of the outside world.
What I wouldn't give to have a nice, quiet room to stay in whilst lethal drugs are administered. If this was done by physician, then they could take my organs (which should be in fairy good condition) and give them to someone in need. It's a win/win situation.
Even if I weren't in multiple sources of incurable pain, I have Body Dysmorphic Disorder that is so relentless that it consumes every waking minute of the day.
Living like this is humiliating and frightening. There is utterly no quality of life.
I am overwhelmed with the anxiety of knowing that I only have hanging or train at my disposal, and have not the means to obtain anything else.
With each passing day I grow more desperate, and more bad memories for my loved ones, anger and despair are generated.
My days are consumed with the thought of my body jerking around as I suffocate myself. I have tried hanging before but would always back out at the last minute due to panic.
There isn't a single moment of peace. My existence is utter futility.
I have this deep need for silence, like I just need my mind to switch off for the last time. Sleep is fantastic, as when I am asleep I dream of normality, and am utterly horrified and disappointed upon awakening.
So in summary yes, I would drink it, although I'll have to travel to a nearby location to do so to ensure that I am not interrupted. I'm still afraid of doing it, but I know I can't do this forever and would have to just get it over and done with. With the insomnia and constant anxiety I feel, it would only be a matter of time until my health deteriorates further anyway.
If it was sitting right in front of me, would be hard to resist… I can just imagine that warm feeling coming over me as I drift off to sleep forever…
I know it's selfish and lazy but it's hard to care about what comes afterwards… Who find the body, what happens to my possessions, how friends and family feel… Maybe I'm a sociopath… Or maybe I'm just numb… or both - I used to pretend I'm not an asshole, But even that is too much trouble right now…
If you could be happy and content, you would be. So if you are an "asshole", then it is only by design, and not your fault.
Nobody can expect you to care about or manage any of that stuff given your present state of mind.