two sides of the same coin, but
tell her i love her one more time
hear her voice again
apologize for all the shit i did
and hear her say shes sorry, too
even if neither of us have changed... i just want to know i wasnt the only one that felt something there
just want to know i wasnt as unimportant as ive felt this whole time
and that any of that was real
not just an obsessive delusion
id rather know i fucked it all up and it was all my fault it ended than to question if any of it was real in the first place...
really what i want would be to feel like she loved me again... but i dont like wishing for it, forcing the universe to make it happen rather than having it happen of her own accord like i thought it did in the beginning
and thats never going to happen again, i know that for sure, so
no point in thinking like that
or
erase every single memory and feeling i still have from back then
learn to move on, be okay on my own for fucking once
not *need* her anymore
forgive myself, if thats even hypothetically possible
let her go...
get it through my dumb fucking mind that she was never the angel i made her out to be in the first place
and she never wanted to be
at the very *least* see her true colors rather than the ones i decided to paint her with... even if it still doesnt change how i feel about her
im not sure any of thats even possible
i think this will haunt me to the day i die, and if im unlucky, past that
im just tired of this emotional pain
ive had more than my fair share
already got my karma, plenty of it
its just pain for the sake of pain and i want it to end