how important is your relationship to your recovery/decision to keep living or not?
for me i think that two things can be true at the same time, that my girlfriend makes me want to live, and that i still feel suicidal at worst, indifferent to life at best
killing myself would destroy her and maybe even cause her to take her own life, and she is the most wonderful and selfless person. she's going to med school, so i end up thinking in a butterfly effect way that if i die ill ruin her life, stop her from finally becoming a doctor, and stop her from saving other peoples lives
i have no idea why she loves me either. i wish i could just be normal and strong enough because i should be happy. even when i am happy i still keep thinking about suicide. it feels confusing lol
(A kinda long vent here lol):
My boyfriend has been my reason to live ever since I met him, we're long distance so it's kind of heartbreaking and often it is disillusioning. If we could meet irl and get married tomorrow I would say yes, but if I were given the chance to forget all about him I would also say yes. We both struggle with mental health, but he's mostly recovered, while I'm probably not gonna get better anytime soon. I'm really, really sensitive, I've become way too dependent on him and have neglected the course my life was/is on, just to focus on the relationship. He does not do the same for me, not even half of it anymore, and I know I can't ask him to do so, but something that does piss me off is that I'm the one who always tries to make free time for whenever he's available (AKA when he finally wants to spend quality time) , while he can freely manage 95% of his time and will leave the leftovers for me. I can't choose how I spend most of my time, I've got a schedule bc I got responsibilities, and I still choose him more than he chooses me and I'm always the one who has to adapt.
We're at a point where he's not doing good mentally either, and honestly the way I see things right now, I don't think we're going to work out. I've been trying to distance myself (ironic lol) since he asked for some space and time, I've been as supportive as I can genuinely be, but I'm just waiting for the inevitable breakup rn. I just want him to make me hate him or something, but honestly I'm fully aware that I'm just dying for him to prove me wrong. I love him, but for many things that have accumulated (yes I did try to talk it out with him, it lowkey never got better, no matter how I would communicate it), I just don't emotionally trust him and am unfortunately a pretty resentful person.
Ultimately, he's been good to me, but things have been progressively declining for a long time and I try to tell him about it right when I notice, I ask if he can meet specific needs and he always gives an enthusiastic yes, but things get better for a couple of days and then it keeps getting worse. I don't ask for anything crazy, I actually only ask for stuff he used to do consistently in the beginning, I only ask for things ik he can do and he confirms he can. But sometimes I wonder if it was all to woo me into a relationship or if he's just really that clueless about it, I often feel guilty, but I've cried literal hundreds of times over this, I've cried like someone died until I fall asleep.
I feel like a fool for trying to keep this shit alive, and I can't help but hope everything will get better. I'm deeply passionate and super cheesy, he knows the way I like to be treated, he knows what pisses me off and has set boundaries about it, he has hurt me and I have hurt him. But I believe he just has taken me for granted and won't take me seriously and somehow it is my fault because I have been too stupidly and honestly devoted to him, cringe. Either way, I have never threatened to break up nor to kill myself (though he knows I struggle with having the will to live and just hating my life, but I've never mentioned actively looking for a way to CTB, which I am), I will never do that, but I feel like this has drained me in such an unexplainable way, it's unfair. And it really hurts because I crave romantic and sexual love like I crave sugar (weird comparison but yeah fun fact, sugar addiction, nothing concerning).
My only reason to withdraw is because at some point I feel like my obsession with him is unhealthy but I keep it to myself. I still want to have the illusion of some self respect yk? I know this may sound immature to most and yes I'm young, but I had to get this off my chest partially, and contributing to this seemed like a decent way to do so. So to answer your question: My partner has been really important for my recovery because he used to be really supportive, it's sad to see me so desperate and clingy honestly. But the decision not to kill myself yet is mostly because of my mom, it would wreck her, and because I don't wanna mess with my bf's head.
If anyone read this far, thank you.
