Discussion if you are seeing someone currently

[antarctica]

how important is your relationship to your recovery/decision to keep living or not?

for me i think that two things can be true at the same time, that my girlfriend makes me want to live, and that i still feel suicidal at worst, indifferent to life at best

killing myself would destroy her and maybe even cause her to take her own life, and she is the most wonderful and selfless person. she's going to med school, so i end up thinking in a butterfly effect way that if i die ill ruin her life, stop her from finally becoming a doctor, and stop her from saving other peoples lives

i have no idea why she loves me either. i wish i could just be normal and strong enough because i should be happy. even when i am happy i still keep thinking about suicide. it feels confusing lol

 

[trying ungracefully]

It helps keep me alive but sometimes it makes me want to die. We have issues so it feels terrible at times that the relationship with the love of my life isn't working out the way I want it to. But also at the same time there is a lot of good that keeps me going because we have a lot of fun and I want to see the life we can build.

He told me if I kill myself he'd go fr crazy and I understand how terrible it would be because I saw how he was when I was just in inpatient, he couldn't work and had to sleep at my house for a night.

He told me he wants to propose in the winter (been together almost 6 years, since I was 16) and I don't know if he actually will because of how I am but it gives me something to look forward to. When I imagine forever with him in the future it makes it a lot less hard to think about too. I've spent a good portion of my life with him already and he brightens it so much and helps me get out of the house all the time.

 

[Spite]

I'm married and I'd say my wife is my main 'lifeline' that is keeping me alive right now. Killing myself would absolutely destroy her so I feel very guilty a lot of the time about feeling suicidal. In a weird way though, sometimes my marriage makes me want to die - but this is mainly because I feel like I am an inadequate husband and a burden to her. We have had our arguments and at times our relationship has been strained. I dunno. It's like, when things are going great, it's great... but when things are bad between us, it's horrible.

I say all of this, but ultimately yes my wife does make me want to live. I just want us to be happy together for as long as we possibly can.

 

[justasmalltowngirl6]

i have no idea why she loves me either. i wish i could just be normal and strong enough because i should be happy. even when i am happy i still keep thinking about suicide. it feels confusing lol

i feel the exact same way. to answer your question though, it definitely does play a big part for me. i feel like if my gf wasn't around i would've ctb a long time ago. even when i feel so sure about wanting to ctb i think about how it would affect her and it holds me back. it makes me so sad hearing her talk about our future so full of hope when i know that i may not make it there with her.

 

[like-spoiledmilk]

Yes and no?

I've been with my partner going on eleven years, on and once off, and I've had six attempts in that time. He broke up with me back then because he was afraid. He was crying, yelling how it wasn't fair that every day he'd come home from work and wonder if I was finally dead. That stuck with me.

We're together now, but he was right. I was traumatizing him. I'll never forget the pain in his expression. I haven't attempted in about two years now. That made me want to be better, and it also makes me believe he deserves someone better/normal.

 

[blue-moon-miki]

my girlfriend definitely helps me a lot and does make me want to live more. she's not my only reason to stay here, nor should she ever be, as that's an insane amount of pressure i would never want to put on her. but my relationship with her is one of the best things in my life, especially right now when i've been feeling low and convincing myself that my friends hate me (they literally don't). she is so kind and gentle and sweet, and sometimes she's the only person i can bear being around. we've been together for over a year now, and while we have "fights" where we disagree or get mad at each other, we've never once yelled at each other or been mean to each other. that gentleness is what i really need when i'm at my lowest.

the fact that i'm suicidal makes me feel really guilty. i know she gets worried sick over me, and i have a difficult time opening up to her in fear of scaring her. but i won't ever ctb, because i promised i'd be with her forever and always take care of her. i can't do that if i'm dead. i want to be the best girlfriend i can be, and i already feel bad enough for being so suicidal.
the other day we had a "fight" and i had a panic attack because i thought i'd ruined my last good relationship in my life (talk about dramatic) and i just wanted to die so bad.. i didn't say any of that out loud i just apologized a bunch of times.. she comforted me saying she wasn't mad at me anymore and i didn't do anything wrong....i think she knew it was about more than that but idk. regardless, i'll always live for her

 

[HaircutHaircut]

I'm married and I'd say my wife is my main 'lifeline' that is keeping me alive right now. Killing myself would absolutely destroy her so I feel very guilty a lot of the time about feeling suicidal. In a weird way though, sometimes my marriage makes me want to die - but this is mainly because I feel like I am an inadequate husband and a burden to her. We have had our arguments and at times our relationship has been strained. I dunno. It's like, when things are going great, it's great... but when things are bad between us, it's horrible.

I say all of this, but ultimately yes my wife does make me want to live. I just want us to be happy together for as long as we possibly can.

Brother. How do we overcome this? I feel so guilty for the thoughts. It's all the time. I've just been suicidal basically as long as I can remember. Is there a way to release myself from life without leaving behind so much pain? Life long pain for so many people? I just don't think I'm going to change either. Medication, checking into a mental hospital, more money, more friends. I can't shake the feeling that this is just who I am. I don't want to be alive

 

[sciatic214899]

My girlfriend is the reason I believe there's a future for myself, but I often want to die to "free her", because she is a wonderful woman, and I know I am a burden to her. But my suicidality causes her stress and grief, so that causes me even more guilt. I am getting better for her.

 

[venerated-vader]

My relationship has no bearing on that kinda thing to be honest. I love my partner but my decision to get better is because I feel I have a decent chance at making life work in a way that I find acceptable and even exciting. There are a lot of things I'd like to do before I die, and ideally that inevitable death will come naturally. But I have spent an inordinate amount of my time worrying about how other people would feel about my continued life or death, and right now it's time to be selfish on my own behalf.

Also I personally find it unethical to hinge my life on a person who didn't ask to be the reason I keep going. I don't want to rely on anyone in that way. I think it'd be unfair to my partner because if we break up, that would ultimately place the blame of my death (should that be the reason i ctb) square on their shoulders, and they don't deserve to suffer in that knowledge nor to feel like they're the reason I'm still alive. I think that amount of pressure would be beyond suffocating. I've certainly felt that pressure before, and it forever warped my ability to be myself.

 

[idfwlnh]

Relationship is a no no to me. Best friends or seeing smone. I js always know that he's better of with smone else for his own good even if I wanted him to stay. Being with someone with suicidal thoughts all the time is hard, and certainly will take a toll on him. And I don't like it either if I have to lie about myself even with smone i trust and love.

And I have lost my trust in humanity and society.

 

[likeblueberries]

Were it not for my girlfriend I definitely would have already done it. One time I had already decided to ctb and she basically talked me out of it without me needing to tell her my plans directly.

I used to believe in 'no dating until I recover' but love is very much real regardless of whether you want to live or die. If I still end up doing it then at least have been able to experience love at some point.