If trauma leaves you with all these problems that inconveniences those around you, is it ethical to be in friendships/romantic relationships?

[Water-Lily]

I spoke to a classmate yesterday

We both share trauma history with abusive mothers

Through discussing our struggles, she opened up about how her trauma negatively impacted communication in her marriage

This made me do some self reflection

My unprocessed trauma has lead to me engaging in survival skills

Survival skills that worked to survive when the abuse was present, but are not beneficial outside of that

I find myself easily blocking people, shutting down on them, lashing out verbally, and so forth

Though I've found most to be willing to make accommodations for my issues, I don't want to bother people

If I self isolate, people start to get worried

But when my problems show up it's also a problem

I obv can't be 100% healed and will always struggle to some degree

It's exhausting when I feel I put my energy into therapy and recovery, only to act out of survival and take 5 steps back

How much of this am I supposed to do over and over?

What's the point of continuously picking yourself back up if you fuck up again and again and inconvenience those around you?

 

[Malaria]

I relate to so much of what you're saying. It's sadly the curse of Hedgehog's Dilemma.

Hedgehog's dilemma - Wikipedia

en.wikipedia.org

I've never truly learned how to deal with it. I understand that getting close to people is inherently risky and even if you have a great relationship with them overall, they are going to hurt you in one way or another. You'll get into an argument, have a disagreement, be disappointed in them in some way, and vice versa... I don't know how to cope with all this. I feel like it's better for me to be alone so I don't have to deal with the painful risks that come with being with someone else, but then I get so unbearably lonely I can't stand it.

 

[R_N]

It is not just ethics either. More often than not when you feel strongly you are bound to get hurt yourself.

I think this can be said about any relations regardless how individual is perceived by society.

 

[Ephemeron]

Very similar experience. I'm sorry I can't answer your question. It's a tough one. We're humans, and want to human experiences, but everything we touch turns to shit sue to PTSD hell.

 

[Water-Lily]

I relate to so much of what you're saying. It's sadly the curse of Hedgehog's Dilemma.

Hedgehog's dilemma - Wikipedia

en.wikipedia.org

I've never truly learned how to deal with it. I understand that getting close to people is inherently risky and even if you have a great relationship with them overall, they are going to hurt you in one way or another. You'll get into an argument, have a disagreement, be disappointed in them in some way, and vice versa... I don't know how to cope with all this. I feel like it's better for me to be alone so I don't have to deal with the painful risks that come with being with someone else, but then I get so unbearably lonely I can't stand it.

I guess in that way im a masochist

I've chosen to remain/make friends even despite all these issues

My thing isn't so much not wanting to get hurt (which I fear) but also being a burden to others. Which I know is a trauma I carry from my moms abuse

She also struggled with not feeling worthy. Often believing she needed to end her life to get people to care for her

 

[Malaria]

I guess in that way im a masochist

I've chosen to remain/make friends even despite all these issues

My thing isn't so much not wanting to get hurt (which I fear) but also being a burden to others. Which I know is a trauma I carry from my moms abuse

She also struggled with not feeling worthy. Often believing she needed to end her life to get people to care for her

I also struggle with worrying about being a burden to others, it's really hard to deal with.

 

[hermestrimegistus]

This question is literally whats plaguing my existence right now. I cannot see a way where it's ethical. And it sucks. I think it's better for others to stay away. But selfishly, it hurts and I wish I could

 

[Linda]

I relate to so much of what you're saying. It's sadly the curse of Hedgehog's Dilemma.

Hedgehog's dilemma - Wikipedia

en.wikipedia.org

I've never truly learned how to deal with it. I understand that getting close to people is inherently risky and even if you have a great relationship with them overall, they are going to hurt you in one way or another. You'll get into an argument, have a disagreement, be disappointed in them in some way, and vice versa... I don't know how to cope with all this. I feel like it's better for me to be alone so I don't have to deal with the painful risks that come with being with someone else, but then I get so unbearably lonely I can't stand it.

First of all, no relationship is ever going to be 100% perfect, so don't expect it to be. I have been with my husband - a really wonderful man - for over 40 years, but we still argue about things sometimes.

Not all relationships work out. I had two 3-year relationships (and several shorter ones) that didn't work out before I met my husband. That doesn't mean there was anything wrong with the boys concerned, or with me, it's just that we didn't work well as a couple. So don't expect every relationship to work out.

However, if you can find the right partner, it will make a huge difference to your life, and will certainly improve it. So keep on trying. It's important for you to be completely honest and open with them about your condition. Not necessarily on a first date, but certainly quite soon. That will allow them to withdraw gracefully from the relationship, if they feel they won't be able to cope, without either you or them getting hurt. If they choose not to withdraw, that means they have made some sort of commitment. None of that guarantees that the relationship will work long term, but you would be off to a good start.

The advice I always gave to my nieces was to look for a partner who comes from a similar background to them but who has a different personality. A similar background means that you can understand many things without them needing to be explained, and you have been exposed to at least some of the same influences while growing up. You definitely don't want someone with a personality identical to your own. Two of me in a relationship and it would be World War 3 all the time. Two of my husband and nothing would ever get done. I'm motivated, ambitious, and a bit short-tempered; he's more relaxed. But we complement each other. He calms me down when I'm working too hard and getting into a state. I push him into doing things he wouldn't otherwise have done, but which he appreciates doing (at least after the event).

The advice about "similar background, different personality" doesn't guarantee success, and ignoring it doesn't guarantee failure, but it's a good rule of thumb.

 

[Malaria]

First of all, no relationship is ever going to be 100% perfect, so don't expect it to be. I have been with my husband - a really wonderful man - for over 40 years, but we still argue about things sometimes.

Not all relationships work out. I had two 3-year relationships (and several shorter ones) that didn't work out before I met my husband. That doesn't mean there was anything wrong with the boys concerned, or with me, it's just that we didn't work well as a couple. So don't expect every relationship to work out.

However, if you can find the right partner, it will make a huge difference to your life, and will certainly improve it. So keep on trying. It's important for you to be completely honest and open with them about your condition. Not necessarily on a first date, but certainly quite soon. That will allow them to withdraw gracefully from the relationship, if they feel they won't be able to cope, without either you or them getting hurt. If they choose not to withdraw, that means they have made some sort of commitment. None of that guarantees that the relationship will work long term, but you would be off to a good start.

The advice I always gave to my nieces was to look for a partner who comes from a similar background to them but who has a different personality. A similar background means that you can understand many things without them needing to be explained, and you have been exposed to at least some of the same influences while growing up. You definitely don;t want someone with a personality identical to your own. Two of me in a relationship and it would be World War 3 all the time. Two of my husband and nothing would ever get done. I'm motivated, ambitious, and a bit short-tempered; he's more relaxed. But we complement each other. He calms me down when I'm working too hard and getting into a state. I push him into doing things he wouldn't otherwise have done, but which he appreciates doing (at least after the event).

The advice about "similar background, different personality" doesn't guarantee success, and ignoring it doesn't guarantee failure, but it's a good rule of thumb.

I actually have been in a relationship with a man I love a lot for almost 9 years now. We've had our ups and downs as a couple but we're still going strong. He knows about my suicidal ideation and he wants to help but doesn't know how. I don't want to burden him with my mental health problems anymore, which is one of the reasons I joined this forum.

My issue honestly, more than romantic relationships, is friendships. I've been in friendships with many toxic people. I don't feel comfortable being too public about what happened, but let's just say I've come into contact with really awful people that have taken advantage of me. I am very afraid to make friends, and the fact that I have difficulty seeing red flags in people makes it even more difficult.

 

[Linda]

I actually have been in a relationship with a man I love a lot for almost 9 years now. We've had our ups and downs as a couple but we're still going strong. He knows about my suicidal ideation and he wants to help but doesn't know how. I don't want to burden him with my mental health problems anymore, which is one of the reasons I joined this forum.

My issue honestly, more than romantic relationships, is friendships. I've been in friendships with many toxic people. I don't feel comfortable being too public about what happened, but let's just say I've come into contact with really awful people that have taken advantage of me. I am very afraid to make friends, and the fact that I have difficulty seeing red flags in people makes it even more difficult.

Tell your partner not to try too hard to help. (Her fiance trying too hard to help her was one of the ingredients that led to puffyclouds death. Not the only ingredient, by any means, but it played a part. He tried very hard, eventually realised he couldn't fix her problems, and that caused him to give up and leave her.) Your partner's role is to provide those kinds of support that he reasonably can provide, but he is not an expert on everything and he should not try to be. You need to get support with your suicidal ideation some place else, such as from a good therapist. (The hard part there, of course, is finding a therapist who is right for you.)

You will get nowhere in life if you don't take a few risks. I would suggest that you get out there and try again with friends. Tell people you want as friends, in advance, that you struggle with certain things, and warn them what to expect. If they know in advance they will not be surprised - always hard to handle - and they will be able to make allowances. But do keep your wits about you, to make it harder for people to take advantage of you. Use the logical part of your brain to analyse what people are trying to do. You can certainly analyse their larger-scale actions, even if you find it hard to pick up subtle non-verbal clues. "Actions speak louder than words" to quote an old proverb. If someone acts in a way that is clearly designed to further his interests and damage yours, then get away from him.

 

[Malaria]

Tell your partner not to try too hard to help. (Her fiance trying too hard to help her was one of the ingredients that led to puffyclouds death. Not the only ingredient, by any means, but it played a part. He tried very hard, eventually realised he couldn't fix her problems, and that caused him to give up and leave her.) Your partner's role is to provide those kinds of support that he reasonably can provide, but he is not an expert on everything and he should not try to be. You need to get support with your suicidal ideation some place else, such as from a good therapist. (The hard part there, of course, is finding a therapist who is right for you.)

You will get nowhere in life if you don't take a few risks. I would suggest that you get out there and try again with friends. Tell people you want as friends, in advance, that you struggle with certain things, and warn them what to expect. If they know in advance they will not be surprised - always hard to handle - and they will be able to make allowances. But do keep your wits about you, to make it harder for people to take advantage of you. Use the logical part of your brain to analyse what people are trying to do. You can certainly analyse their larger-scale actions, even if you find it hard to pick up subtle non-verbal clues. "Actions speak louder than words" to quote an old proverb. If someone acts in a way that is clearly designed to further his interests and damage yours, then get away from him.

I am seeing a therapist actually, we've been trying to work through my issues with friendships and my difficulties with setting boundaries. It's going to take a while because these are issues that have followed me for some time and I need to heal from some trauma I've experienced, probably also need treatment for various disorders I have, but my therapist told me not to beat myself up and that it's a process.

 

[Linda]

Sounds like a good therapist. He is certainly right to tell you not to beat yourself up. I can tell you're a nice person, and I hope it all works out for you. Good luck.

 

[Malaria]

Sounds like a good therapist. He is certainly right to tell you not to beat yourself up. I can tell you're a nice person, and I hope it all works out for you. Good luck.

Thank you so much. That means a lot.

(FYI my therapist is a woman, I tried going with male therapists, but it's easier for me to talk to women about my problems, especially since I might have PMDD)

 

[Linda]

Probably the reason I slipped up there, and didn't use a gender-neutral pronoun, is that I have a nephew who is a psychiatrist. I should have been more careful.

 

[Malaria]

Probably the reason I slipped up there, and didn't use a gender-neutral pronoun, is that I have a nephew who is a psychiatrist. I should have been more careful.

No worries, it's all good. ^^