If this goes up, I did it.

[abstractcat7]

I was smart, but also stupid and incapable.

I was kind and generous, but also mean and vindictive.

I liked to do things and learn, but had no motivation or drive.

I liked to make art, but hated sharing it.

I loved my art, but it wasn't very good.

I longed for connection, but hated other people.

I wanted the world to get better, but I hoped that it would end.


I was a long list of contradictions, dualities, and hypocrisies. I'm sorry. I was probably better than I give myself credit for, but I was likely worse. I hated myself more than I hated anyone else and more than anyone else hated me. I'm sorry for being an irritable, irritating, and unpleasant person. I'm sorry I haven't or didn't kill myself sooner. I hope I don't have to take this down later. I hope I can finally bring myself to do the one thing I need to do and should've done sooner.

 

[witchcraft]

I'm sorry, and whatever you decide either way, I only wish for you to find peace.

Very relatable post. Felt like reading something that I wrote, except better. Really, thank you for putting all this in such a simple, straightforward way.

Despite sharing those same negative qualities, I also would like to think I'm intelligent, kind, generous, a curious person and quick learner, a creative person, someone who desires friendship and romance, and someone hopeful about the world. But seemingly not enough to make any meaningful difference in my life; never in the right ways or at the right time or something.

It's torture. And as time goes on it seems exceedingly likely that I'll see myself out.

Well, regardless, I only wished to explain why I relate so strongly to what you shared here. You are not alone, for whatever that may or may not be worth.