If someone could read I'd aprecciate it

[Looking4awayOut]

Hi. I dunno if someone will read this shit or not, I guess probably not since lately I've been becoming more and more unlucky with everything in general but I guess I'll give it a shot anyways cause I'm wired like that. Lately I've been feeling like shit cuz of all the bad memories I hold in my memory and can't get rid of. It's not about the abuse I went through but about the fact that it is the very same people that one day made me feel like they would come up and save me from my perpetrators that ended up destroying me more. I'm no saint, I've done some very fucked up shit in the past and still do but I will never understand the people that screw others up on purpose just to get pleasure out of it, especially keeping in mind that you have done nothing to them personally. I've been on this forum for 3 years so far and I must admit to y'all that if I haven't ctb yet is out of pure fear. Fear of the last moments of extreme pain. Fear of the possibility of it not working out. And even fear of hurting the same family members that one day didn't give a fuck about hurting me in the first place. It's a tough place to be at, a really tough one so if someone, anyone got to read to the end, thank u

 

[areyousafe??]

I know what you mean by the fear. I used to fear pain because whichever method you choose, there's always a possibility of pain, some more agonising than others. I still fear hurting family members (well its really only 2 people who might feel hurt) by my ctb, but they will be okay because people eventually get over death anyway.

Who are you referring to when you say that they were saving but ended up destroying you?

 

[lunar02102009]

Hi. I dunno if someone will read this shit or not, I guess probably not since lately I've been becoming more and more unlucky with everything in general but I guess I'll give it a shot anyways cause I'm wired like that. Lately I've been feeling like shit cuz of all the bad memories I hold in my memory and can't get rid of. It's not about the abuse I went through but about the fact that it is the very same people that one day made me feel like they would come up and save me from my perpetrators that ended up destroying me more. I'm no saint, I've done some very fucked up shit in the past and still do but I will never understand the people that screw others up on purpose just to get pleasure out of it, especially keeping in mind that you have done nothing to them personally. I've been on this forum for 3 years so far and I must admit to y'all that if I haven't ctb yet is out of pure fear. Fear of the last moments of extreme pain. Fear of the possibility of it not working out. And even fear of hurting the same family members that one day didn't give a fuck about hurting me in the first place. It's a tough place to be at, a really tough one so if someone, anyone got to read to the end, thank u

fear is somthong that makes humans very weak but it is essential to protect ourselves, if there was a button you could just flip to switch off your capability of to feel fear many people would have ctb'd by now and the world would rather be fucked

 

[Still here]

I am really sorry that those you trusted turned to be the ones to hurt you. ....it's too painful .

 

[timechained]

It sucks when you're depressed enough to try a method/s but not depressed enough to commit to the end/the method fails.

Wish CTB was as easy as CTB.

 

[person2]

Hi. I dunno if someone will read this shit or not, I guess probably not since lately I've been becoming more and more unlucky with everything in general but I guess I'll give it a shot anyways cause I'm wired like that. Lately I've been feeling like shit cuz of all the bad memories I hold in my memory and can't get rid of. It's not about the abuse I went through but about the fact that it is the very same people that one day made me feel like they would come up and save me from my perpetrators that ended up destroying me more. I'm no saint, I've done some very fucked up shit in the past and still do but I will never understand the people that screw others up on purpose just to get pleasure out of it, especially keeping in mind that you have done nothing to them personally. I've been on this forum for 3 years so far and I must admit to y'all that if I haven't ctb yet is out of pure fear. Fear of the last moments of extreme pain. Fear of the possibility of it not working out. And even fear of hurting the same family members that one day didn't give a fuck about hurting me in the first place. It's a tough place to be at, a really tough one so if someone, anyone got to read to the end, thank u

I'm very sorry you have gone, and continue to go through this. Very much of what you said resonates with me. The abuse, the betrayal, and the fear. Thanks for putting yourself out there.

 

[Glazed_Orange]

I understand the pain and memories can be hard, betrayal stings like a bitch too. Only thing, you can't let yourself become stuck, you have to learn from these experiences and move on. You're alive in this moment, and if you're not going to kill yourself, try and live a life where your compassion and understanding of these dualities leads you to make not only better decisions, but allows you to build relationships you strive for, stay cool man. :)

 

[BPDtgirl]

you're absolutely not alone at all in those feelings. we've all done some bad shit, we're only human and so are those people that we loved that would eventually become our abusers.

i hope you managed to find out by posting this that you're not alone, at the very least