if I never tried, am I really depressed and suicidal??

[A_miStake_of_NATURE]

I haven't been diagnosed with anything no. I study chemistry, maths and physics, and I would want to do physics at uni later if I were to continue.

Are you kidding me? Chemistry, maths, physics!! It's like the hardest subjects to study!! So you're very smart! Already envy you, brains-wise. And you happen to like it. That is awesome! Now that's worth sticking around. Do you know what had happened that made you feel no enjoyment whatsoever?

 

[Deleted member 17949]

Are you kidding me? Chemistry, maths, physics!! It's like the hardest subjects to study!! So you're very smart! Already envy you, brains-wise. And you happen to like it. That is awesome! Now that's worth sticking around. Do you know what had happened that made you feel no enjoyment whatsoever?

Nothing happened really. I have always struggled with it, it just affects me more and more as I get more responsibilities in life. I really don't think I am very smart or capable.

 

[Sarahlynn]

If now you're afraid to go through with this because of certain reasons, how do you know you're gonna be ready when the time comes?
But what are you doctors saying, why no meds help you???
Is it mostly financial problems, beside your mental issues, that makes you feel like at the end of your rope??
I don't want easy money. I just wish I could be good at something, so I could earn it fair and square.
about meds. Even you admitted they didn't help you. How could they help me? The only way I see it is they change they way I see myself: like "yeah, I'm ugly and is gonna have a well-deserved but shitty job, but millions of people live like that, so why can't I?"
it's good you care so much about your family so much. It's not like I don't give a damn about my mother, but I know there was a time when my Dad offered her money for abortion, and obviously she didn't do it And now I'm the one who has to deal with that mistake of hers!!!

I have moments now and then where I am afraid, but I feel that it is the right thing to do. I am preparing my stuff now, so that when the next moment arrives, I will be ready. My mental issues has already made me suicidal, my future economic problems are just cementing my view that it is the right choice to make.

Some doctors say I shouldnt give up (although they are unable to help), others say that there is nothing more they can do. Meds don't work on me because I am broken I guess. But I know of many people who has gotten help from meds and therapy! You are not likely to find them on this forum,as they are out there living their happy lives, not thinking about suicide. You could be one of those people, but if you don't try, you will never know?

 

[A_miStake_of_NATURE]

Nothing happened really. I have always struggled with it, it just affects me more and more as I get more responsibilities in life. I really don't think I am very smart or capable.

Smart, definitely. Capable, don't know. But you're very young. Your adulthood is just starting. How do you know you won't be able to handle it? (I'm in the same boat with responsibilities as you are, only my youth is wasay behind me).
How do you feel, could meds help you somehow? Is there a way for you to hang on long enough to graduate from college?

 

[Life_and_Death]

"if i never tried, am i really depressed and suicidal?"
i havent searched it in a while but if i remember right its called suicidal idealization. you think about it but not quite to the point of having suicidal tendencies.

it probably didnt help much but it answered your main question. and you dont have to think about suicide to mean you are depressed. that just seems to be what happens when the depression gets too bad. you can message me if you ever want to talk about anything :)

 

[Deleted member 17949]

Smart, definitely. Capable, don't know. But you're very young. Your adulthood is just starting. How do you know you won't be able to handle it? (I'm in the same boat with responsibilities as you are, only my youth is wasay behind me).
How do you feel, could meds help you somehow? Is there a way for you to hang on long enough to graduate from college?

I don't have the energy to try this stuff. Recovery is an intense process and people are often told that they need to improve their mental state before interacting with help. I understand that there are options available but I don't have the strength to recover.

 

[heraclitus]

Where I live, which is Russia btw, even if I attempted, I wouldn't be necessarily locked up. So it's not that hard here. But sometimes I think I wouldn't even care if I ended up in such facilities.
I was never diagnosed with anything and have no access to meds. I have no idea where I could buy any drugs. We do have tall buildings here, but flying Itself kinda scares me. I kinda like the idea of an exit bag, only with a mask and a gas tank))).

so if you have some stuff prepared, and you still haven't done it, does it mean you're really afraid of failing? As I understand none of your meds help you?

I will need money to prepare for entrance exams, then for studying itself. By the time I hopefully graduate I'll be 40.I'm not willing to start a life at 40s.
I'm not autistic (sorry, it must be incredibly hard), but definitely not fond of people, cuz we can be cruel as hell.
My way is my Dad's alive, I'm beautiful and smart, 10 years younger, graduate with a high-paying job. But probably even then I'd hate the world we live in. So basically there's no win for me.

I'm older than you and watching every day the possibilities become more limited. From the outside, you'd say I have it better than you - a wife, a decent job, a flat (rented) - but I was emotionally vulnerable when I married, traded my dreams for stability. I have given a lot of support to others in my life and deluded myself into seeing that as having a purpose. Now? If you have ever seen the afterlife for suicides in "What Dreams May Come", that is how I feel every day.

Therapy? How is learning to adjust to living in a sick world, living a meaningless life until the quiet mercy of death brings release, how is that healthy?

Your reasons are valid - no two people see the same colours and none of us feel the same pain. That being said, we all have our own reasons for traveling but we all walk the same road.

That being said, if ever I get to the Pont du Gard, I'm jumping.

Всяк глядит, да не всяк видит :)

Stay strong.

 

[A_miStake_of_NATURE]

"if i never tried, am i really depressed and suicidal?"
i havent searched it in a while but if i remember right its called suicidal idealization. you think about it but not quite to the point of having suicidal tendencies.

it probably didnt help much but it answered your main question. and you dont have to think about suicide to mean you are depressed. that just seems to be what happens when the depression gets too bad. you can message me if you ever want to talk about anything :)

But am I even depressed if I still eat well, still afraid of gaining weight, workout sometimes???
Thanks for the offer of pm)))

 

[Life_and_Death]

But am I even depressed if I still eat well, still afraid of gaining weight, workout sometimes???
Thanks for the offer of pm)))

why would that make you not depressed? everyone reacts to things different. like some people that have depression have trouble getting out of bed. while others have what is called functioning depression. meaning even though they are depressed they can barely live life. basically going to work or school then going home. and some people are more functional. everyones different and theres different levels of everything. what bothers you might not bother another.

 

[A_miStake_of_NATURE]

I don't have the energy to try this stuff. Recovery is an intense process and people are often told that they need to improve their mental state before interacting with help. I understand that there are options available but I don't have the strength to recover.

I get it. We all here do. I wish I could help. Still you know better what's going on both in your life and in your head. But I even can't help myself. PM if you're in a mood to talk or smth.

I'm older than you and watching every day the possibilities become more limited. From the outside, you'd say I have it better than you - a wife, a decent job, a flat (rented) - but I was emotionally vulnerable when I married, traded my dreams for stability. I have given a lot of support to others in my life and deluded myself into seeing that as having a purpose. Now? If you have ever seen the afterlife for suicides in "What Dreams May Come", that is how I feel every day.

Therapy? How is learning to adjust to living in a sick world, living a meaningless life until the quiet mercy of death brings release, how is that healthy?

Your reasons are valid - no two people see the same colours and none of us feel the same pain. That being said, we all have our own reasons for traveling but we all walk the same road.

That being said, if ever I get to the Pont du Gard, I'm jumping.

Всяк глядит, да не всяк видит :)

Stay strong.

Nowadays I don't get judgmental: you say "you hate your life" and I believe it's for a reason, wife or no wife)))
That's what I say about therapy in my case: I don't see how it can help if it can't change the reasons I hate my life and this world.

I'm prone to The Golden Gate Bridge somehow)) though France is definitely closer Why don't you travel there, when it's possible with all this pandemic?

ещё и с моим хреновым зрением.... вообще беда))

why would that make you not depressed? everyone reacts to things different. like some people that have depression have trouble getting out of bed. while others have what is called functioning depression. meaning even though they are depressed they can barely live life. basically going to work or school then going home. and some people are more functional. everyones different and theres different levels of everything. what bothers you might not bother another.

There was a period of time I didn't get out of bed for a week. Now I just don't get out of apartment.
I just can't fathom that people with CPTSD or BPD or else have depression and someone like me has depression. My reasons seem not reasons enough.
Sometimes I think why bother to take showers and stuff, but I don't wanna start smelling...And don't wanna get fat. But then maybe if I got fat, it would push me enough to jump at least out of my window and leave a big stain on asphalt...

 

[heraclitus]

I get it. We all here do. I wish I could help. Still you know better what's going on both in your life and in your head. But I even can't help myself. PM if you're in a mood to talk or smth.

Nowadays I don't get judgmental: you say "you hate your life" and I believe it's for a reason, wife or no wife)))
That's what I say about therapy in my case: I don't see how it can help if it can't change the reasons I hate my life and this world.

I'm prone to The Golden Gate Bridge somehow)) though France is definitely closer Why don't you travel there, when it's possible with all this pandemic?

ещё и с моим хреновым зрением.... вообще беда))

It's not that I hate my life - I just feel it is an Escherian loop of futility. Like a fly trapped in a Klein bottle. All dreams shrivelled beyond resuscitation. I've made sure that those left behind will be financially stable, that my passport is up-to-date - once we are past the pandemic I may well do that!

You are an amazing linguist - could that skill not get you a good job?

 

[Superdeterminist]

I see. My mother knows too, but I guess my behavior doesn't seem very threatening, which makes it easier to do things: too bad I'm such a coward.
What about jumping from a high building? Do you think someday you can just come to a point where you wouldn't be able to take it anymore and just jump in front of the train or something?
Before gas I was thinking about Robin Williams's way. But you start to choke and cough and panic. Maybe with drugs.
I'm sorry that not only you're trapped method-wIse, but that your mother watches you 24/7.
do you go to therapy? Were you ever diagnosed?

Right now I couldn't imagine jumping, because it's too frightening to me. However, I could reach a point where my desperation is enough to overcome that fear and I'm able to jump, it's hard to predict what the future holds after all.

As for hanging, there may be a way to do it such that it is painless or minimally painful, but if so, I don't know how. I don't go to therapy because I have reservations about how helpful it would be, and because financially I'm in no position for it.

I have not been diagnosed with anything, but I did see a psychiatrist once, which shattered any faith I may have had in the mental health care system. The guy was a complete asshole, talking to me in a condescending tone, instructing me as if he were my own father (and I don't even listen to my father). Basically the prevailing message to me was to "just try harder" and to take responsibility, the same rubbish I had heard countless times before, and which never does anything. I could not believe how callous and unhelpful he was, thinking about it now still angers me.

I also attended other mental health sessions, but the best they could do was tell me to keep a journal and to practice other similar pointless exercises which I already know will do nothing to change my state of mind. I wish they could just be honest and admit they don't know how to help, rather than enforcing these bullshit, waste of time treatments.

I can't speak for anyone else, but for me so far nothing they've offered has helped me in the slightest. I was taking prozac for a short while but I stopped it very early (against recommendations) because I didn't like the side effects and nothing was really improving. I can no longer trust the healthcare system for anything concerning my mental health.

 

[A_miStake_of_NATURE]

It's not that I hate my life - I just feel it is an Escherian loop of futility. Like a fly trapped in a Klein bottle. All dreams shrivelled beyond resuscitation. I've made sure that those left behind will be financially stable, that my passport is up-to-date - once we are past the pandemic I may well do that!

You are an amazing linguist - could that skill not get you a good job?

if money is not an issue, why not try something exciting, like parachute jumping or Everest climbing (at least it seems exciting for me)? Unless I missed smth and it's an issue(((
and why jumping and not exit bag?

yeah, I'm not that great. though I've been told I have a nice accent)))

 

[Superdeterminist]

I myself thought about starvation. But I've read about a 58-year old German who went to the forest and starved himself to death. He kept a journal, where he described his experience. It took him 24 days. I once didn't eat for 48 hours and that was incredibly painful. I don't know how people do it. That's why I question myself: people do scary and painful things to die, so if I don't try them...
I've recently found an article online about a 15-year old boy in the USA, who was clinically depressed, attempted, but was saved. Then one day he called the police, said he had a bomb on him, put on a baggy clothes so you couldn't tell if he was telling the truth (he didn't have anything on him). Police came, he had a knife or a crowbar, he threatened them, when they asked him to stop and drop everything, he kept on coming, and the officer shot him dead. That's not a bad way to go.

I read that story as well about the guy who starved himself in the forest, I envy him for succeeding although personally I would not have chosen to starve outdoors, I at least would want to afford myself the comforts of the indoors, where it is warm and dry.

Cop suicide is an interesting choice, but not one I could ever imagine doing myself, because there is a high risk that one would end up alive and behind bars as opposed to shot dead. I'm also very phobic of police in general.

When you starve, you lose massive amounts of body fat, so you are likely to feel cold even in a warm environment. Your immune system becomes compromised meaning disease is far more common (according to wikipedia, oesophageal fungal infection is common). Basically every organ system in the body suffers degradation, so everything begins to fail. Ideally though, one is comatose or dead before anything truly dreadful sets in.

A fascinating study by Thomas Joiner, PhD. showed that the vast majority of anorexic individuals do not die from anorexia itself, rather they end their lives using other methods, many of which are abnormally gruesome, agonising, and fearsome. Out of one particular group of anorexics who died by suicide, the LEAST gruesome method of choice was drinking a whole bottle of bleach, which resulted in excruciating acid burns and hemorrhaging of her digestive system. She eventually died of blood loss, but before then, she called an ambulance, which strongly indicates that her behaviour was hijacked by her SI (she was intent on dying hence the brutal method chosen).

According to Joiner and his colleagues, anorexics are much more likely to chose more brutal methods, because they have become inured to physical pain, having suffered the painful bodily ordeal of starvation for months, or even years. I wonder if I may be able to build some kind of pain tolerance this way, since right now I could not bear the potential pain of jumping, hanging, or cutting, for example. So far, the longest I have been able to go without food is 3 days (I still drank water), which really isn't much. I felt exhausted, dizzy, and flu-like.

 

[A_miStake_of_NATURE]

Right now I couldn't imagine jumping, because it's too frightening to me. However, I could reach a point where my desperation is enough to overcome that fear and I'm able to jump, it's hard to predict what the future holds after all.

As for hanging, there may be a way to do it such that it is painless or minimally painful, but if so, I don't know how. I don't go to therapy because I have reservations about how helpful it would be, and because financially I'm in no position for it.

I have not been diagnosed with anything, but I did see a psychiatrist once, which shattered any faith I may have had in the mental health care system. The guy was a complete asshole, talking to me in a condescending tone, instructing me as if he were my own father (and I don't even listen to my father). Basically the prevailing message to me was to "just try harder" and to take responsibility, the same rubbish I had heard countless times before, and which never does anything. I could not believe how callous and unhelpful he was, thinking about it now still angers me.

I also attended other mental health sessions, but the best they could do was tell me to keep a journal and to practice other similar pointless exercises which I already know will do nothing to change my state of mind. I wish they could just be honest and admit they don't know how to help, rather than enforcing these bullshit, waste of time treatments.

I can't speak for anyone else, but for me so far nothing they've offered has helped me in the slightest. I was taking prozac for a short while but I stopped it very early (against recommendations) because I didn't like the side effects and nothing was really improving. I can no longer trust the healthcare system for anything concerning my mental health.

As for healthcare system, unfortunately, it's true, there're a lot of people there who don't belong in the field, but not everyone's like that.
Again money, money, money. That's what one of my problems is: lack of it.
Regarding sessions even my therapist said it needed time. Lots of time. Lots of sessions. I don't know what one can do if there's no money for it.
Maybe different drugs.but without therapist I don't see how it's possible.
So what now? What are you going to do?

I read that story as well about the guy who starved himself in the forest, I envy him for succeeding although personally I would not have chosen to starve outdoors, I at least would want to afford myself the comforts of the indoors, where it is warm and dry.

Cop suicide is an interesting choice, but not one I could ever imagine doing myself, because there is a high risk that one would end up alive and behind bars as opposed to shot dead. I'm also very phobic of police in general.

When you starve, you lose massive amounts of body fat, so you are likely to feel cold even in a warm environment. Your immune system becomes compromised meaning disease is far more common (according to wikipedia, oesophageal fungal infection is common). Basically every organ system in the body suffers degradation, so everything begins to fail. Ideally though, one is comatose or dead before anything truly dreadful sets in.

A fascinating study by Thomas Joiner, PhD. showed that the vast majority of anorexic individuals do not die from anorexia itself, rather they end their lives using other methods, many of which are abnormally gruesome, agonising, and fearsome. Out of one particular group of anorexics who died by suicide, the LEAST gruesome method of choice was drinking a whole bottle of bleach, which resulted in excruciating acid burns and hemorrhaging of her digestive system. She eventually died of blood loss, but before then, she called an ambulance, which strongly indicates that her behaviour was hijacked by her SI (she was intent on dying hence the brutal method chosen).

According to Joiner and his colleagues, anorexics are much more likely to chose more brutal methods, because they have become inured to physical pain, having suffered the painful bodily ordeal of starvation for months, or even years. I wonder if I may be able to build some kind of pain tolerance this way, since right now I could not bear the potential pain of jumping, hanging, or cutting, for example. So far, the longest I have been able to go without food is 3 days (I still drank water), which really isn't much. I felt exhausted, dizzy, and flu-like.

What fascinates me the most about that guy is that how desperate he must had been for that kind of method!! It is horrifying.
I see you've done your homework on a subject. But I think it's hopeless with this way: I don't know who you gotta be to choose THAT.
No way you could build that sort of pain tolerance, so just scratch that one right off.

I like police suicide. I thing it's pretty easy with American cops: you just keep coming at them with a weapon, and they definitely would shoot you down. Unlike Russia. It's not a way to go in here. I mean, there's a chance, but not the one I'm wiling to take.

 

[Superdeterminist]

As for healthcare system, unfortunately, it's true, there're a lot of people there who don't belong in the field, but not everyone's like that.
Again money, money, money. That's what one of my problems is: lack of it.
Regarding sessions even my therapist said it needed time. Lots of time. Lots of sessions. I don't know what one can do if there's no money for it.
Maybe different drugs.but without therapist I don't see how it's possible.
So what now? What are you going to do?

Right now I'm just drifting, I am battling myself everyday, because I get up determined to try starvation again. But then the hunger quickly sets in, and the food is right there, and I talk myself into another day of eating. And then, immediately after the meal, I berate myself for giving in to the hunger.

I resume university in one month, which will make it harder to try starvation because I feel very guilty about potentially compromising my education by not eating. I promised myself I would commit to starvation at the start of the summer break, but it has proven too difficult so far, and if I'm being honest I kind of knew it would be.

So I really don't know what I'm going to do, all I know is that I'm still determined to commit suicide at some point. What about you?

 

[Alec]

It doesn't matter if you attempted before or not, your problems are real, they cause pain, don't let anyone invalidate your problems and how you feel. What you feel matters.

 

[A_miStake_of_NATURE]

Right now I'm just drifting, I am battling myself everyday, because I get up determined to try starvation again. But then the hunger quickly sets in, and the food is right there, and I talk myself into another day of eating. And then, immediately after the meal, I berate myself for giving in to the hunger.

I resume university in one month, which will make it harder to try starvation because I feel very guilty about potentially compromising my education by not eating. I promised myself I would commit to starvation at the start of the summer break, but it has proven too difficult so far, and if I'm being honest I kind of knew it would be.

So I really don't know what I'm going to do, all I know is that I'm still determined to commit suicide at some point. What about you?

Why are you back in school if you're planning to ctb? What if you say "no"? What would ur mom do?

It doesn't matter if you attempted before or not, your problems are real, they cause pain, don't let anyone invalidate your problems and how you feel.❤❤❤ What you feel matters.

Thanks. I just don't talk to close people about that anymore, not that I told them much before. I just sit at home. Still not sure my so-called problems matter.))

 

[Superdeterminist]

Why are you back in school if you're planning to ctb? What if you say "no"? What would ur mom do?

Before school, I spent 2 years in my room doing absolutely nothing. I eventually had to choose to do something, and so I chose to try studying again (I've already dropped out once before). However, this time I would not drop out again, and my wanting to die has very little to do with studying, I actually enjoy it most of the time. The desire came over me after I started the course, it wasn't so much there when I initially applied, back then I still felt very low, but I was a little more hopeful.

Say no to what, my studies? I wouldn't do that. If I try starving again, then I will still use all my strength to try going to classes, but obviously if I kept it up I would eventually become too exhausted for that. I would be absent due to physical issues and not a direct refusal to attend. With all that said, I can't really see myself trying it again when studies resume. So, I truly feel stuck, I am just going round and round in circles mentally.

Whatever my mother chooses to do, she can't control me, even though she would love to. She would probably have me sent to a facility where they would fuck me up even more and not help me at all. But I'm tired of worrying about it honestly. I've lived under her thumb for too long, she can try whatever she wants, it won't scare me into continue living.

 

[A_miStake_of_NATURE]

Before school, I spent 2 years in my room doing absolutely nothing. I eventually had to choose to do something, and so I chose to try studying again (I've already dropped out once before). However, this time I would not drop out again, and my wanting to die has very little to do with studying, I actually enjoy it most of the time. The desire came over me after I started the course, it wasn't so much there when I initially applied, back then I still felt very low, but I was a little more hopeful.

Say no to what, my studies? I wouldn't do that. If I try starving again, then I will still use all my strength to try going to classes, but obviously if I kept it up I would eventually become too exhausted for that. I would be absent due to physical issues and not a direct refusal to attend. With all that said, I can't really see myself trying it again when studies resume. So, I truly feel stuck, I am just going round and round in circles mentally.

Whatever my mother chooses to do, she can't control me, even though she would love to. She would probably have me sent to a facility where they would fuck me up even more and not help me at all. But I'm tired of worrying about it honestly. I've lived under her thumb for too long, she can try whatever she wants, it won't scare me into continue living.

From what I've learned you're still hopeful, if you're not willing to let anything compromise your studying. More so you do enjoy going to classes. And graduating could be a first big step to a brIghter future. Maybe you should give it a try and graduate and see what's next for. Maybe a good job, independence, relationships??

 

[heraclitus]

if money is not an issue, why not try something exciting, like parachute jumping or Everest climbing (at least it seems exciting for me)? Unless I missed smth and it's an issue(((
and why jumping and not exit bag?

yeah, I'm not that great. though I've been told I have a nice accent)))

I tried gliding and loved it. My real joy is travel (sacrficed that for the relationship and wasted half my life - one reason I want to go). I 'm the only wage earner so money is a slight issue.

Exit bag or N: I'd love to. We have a small flat, so organising it would be complicated. Good idea, though. Jumping - I just love the idea of free falling into oblivion.

Sometimes I wake up unable to breathe and cry when the vagus nerve kicks in :(

 

[A_miStake_of_NATURE]

I tried gliding and loved it. My real joy is travel (sacrficed that for the relationship and wasted half my life - one reason I want to go). I 'm the only wage earner so money is a slight issue.

Exit bag or N: I'd love to. We have a small flat, so organising it would be complicated. Good idea, though. Jumping - I just love the idea of free falling into oblivion.

Sometimes I wake up unable to breathe and cry when the vagus nerve kicks in :(

It seems that you kinda regret having a family...is there any chance for a wife start to work? cuz you sound incredibly miserable...

what may be wrong with jumping for me is that it's still a long way to fall, even if it's only seconds.
Mask and tank or exit bag, separate room, open window, closed door, note on the other side of that closed door says "to be careful and why", alone time in the flat for a couple of hours. But I did read, it's still a tricky business. Things could go wrong. And assisted suicide costs a lot...

 

[heraclitus]

It seems that you kinda regret having a family...is there any chance for a wife start to work? cuz you sound incredibly miserable...

what may be wrong with jumping for me is that it's still a long way to fall, even if it's only seconds.
Mask and tank or exit bag, separate room, open window, closed door, note on the other side of that closed door says "to be careful and why", alone time in the flat for a couple of hours. But I did read, it's still a tricky business. Things could go wrong. And assisted suicide costs a lot...

This is what's weird - I don't regret having a family. I'm even grateful for what I have in my life today (there are people far, far worse off than me, in so many ways). Lie you I work out at home, enjoy decent food and read loads.

My wife loves me and in some way I still love her. If she knew what I felt she'd try to help - she sent me off abroad once which helped for a while. I've lived and worked in 7 countries, was fluent in 6 languages (more or less forgotten 2) and cannot let go of that rootless stability.

Melancholy, regret or emptiness are my main emotions - mourning a life I never had because of choices I made; a path never to be trodden.

I've thought over your words - really, jumping is the easiest option where I am. "Mask and tank or exit bag" would be good. Or a holiday at Dignitas - sort of a terminal spa day . A trip to a European city in winter, visit an Art gallery, relish anonymity in the crowds, feel night roll in, then back to the hotel and follow your exit bag strategy. Or leave St-Jean-Pied-de-Port one autumn evening, follow the Camino Royal and allow hypothermia to wrap and lull me. Put some style and romance into the act. Hence Pont du Gard rather than a local tower block.

What would you like to do, if there were no bars? You're smart (fluent English) caring, perceptive, empathic, attentive and sharp. I think you'd make a great counsellor or vet. You care about your Mum and miss your Dad (how old were you when he died? I was 14 and needed nearly 20 years to process the loss).

Thanks for listening.

 

[A_miStake_of_NATURE]

This is what's weird - I don't regret having a family. I'm even grateful for what I have in my life today (there are people far, far worse off than me, in so many ways). Lie you I work out at home, enjoy decent food and read loads.

My wife loves me and in some way I still love her. If she knew what I felt she'd try to help - she sent me off abroad once which helped for a while. I've lived and worked in 7 countries, was fluent in 6 languages (more or less forgotten 2) and cannot let go of that rootless stability.

Melancholy, regret or emptiness are my main emotions - mourning a life I never had because of choices I made; a path never to be trodden.

I've thought over your words - really, jumping is the easiest option where I am. "Mask and tank or exit bag" would be good. Or a holiday at Dignitas - sort of a terminal spa day . A trip to a European city in winter, visit an Art gallery, relish anonymity in the crowds, feel night roll in, then back to the hotel and follow your exit bag strategy. Or leave St-Jean-Pied-de-Port one autumn evening, follow the Camino Royal and allow hypothermia to wrap and lull me. Put some style and romance into the act. Hence Pont du Gard rather than a local tower block.

What would you like to do, if there were no bars? You're smart (fluent English) caring, perceptive, empathic, attentive and sharp. I think you'd make a great counsellor or vet. You care about your Mum and miss your Dad (how old were you when he died? I was 14 and needed nearly 20 years to process the loss).

Thanks for listening.

Scared to ask that, but still: maybe leaving your family could change anything? Start over?
I can't wrap my head around that "life you never had". What life: no family and constantly traveling?

I used to want to travel around the world so bad. I haven't been anywhere. Except my homeland which is not RF. Now I couldn't care less. We're all gonna end up as bones or a pile of dust anyway. So why bother.

I wasn't that young. It was 7 days before I turned 26. But still it hurt like hell.
I don't think I'm that good)) I know people who are utterly better than I am. I have a friend I wish my mom had instead of me as a daughter she's that great!! I'm very selfish. I can't help people when I'm that unhappy, unless it's some sort of danger(like I'm not gonna walk past a drowning person or an animal).
imagine I'm a counselor and I agree with patient's reason to die, for instance, I wouldn't be able to talk them out of it))

 

[heraclitus]

Scared to ask that, but still: maybe leaving your family could change anything? Start over?
I can't wrap my head around that "life you never had". What life: no family and constantly traveling?

I used to want to travel around the world so bad. I haven't been anywhere. Except my homeland which is not RF. Now I couldn't care less. We're all gonna end up as bones or a pile of dust anyway. So why bother.

I wasn't that young. It was 7 days before I turned 26. But still it hurt like hell.
I don't think I'm that good)) I know people who are utterly better than I am. I have a friend I wish my mom had instead of me as a daughter she's that great!! I'm very selfish. I can't help people when I'm that unhappy, unless it's some sort of danger(like I'm not gonna walk past a drowning person or an animal).
imagine I'm a counselor and I agree with patient's reason to die, for instance, I wouldn't be able to talk them out of it))

You've asked a brilliant question - I'd start over, but not leave my wife: I'd worry too much about her. She'll miss me if I'm dead but that at least will be final.

I am happy traveling, never feel alone, always meet people. The world becomes my family. Travel is in my blood.

If you are selfish, cannot help people and cannot see yourself as a counsellor - I have to disagree. You are helping me immensely with this interaction. Helping someone examine, question and clarify their thoughts - that is helping!

You really do put yourself down. I wish you could meet the wishWasNEVERborn I have met - there's a lot to like about her!

 

[A_miStake_of_NATURE]

You've asked a brilliant question - I'd start over, but not leave my wife: I'd worry too much about her. She'll miss me if I'm dead but that at least will be final.

I am happy traveling, never feel alone, always meet people. The world becomes my family. Travel is in my blood.

If you are selfish, cannot help people and cannot see yourself as a counsellor - I have to disagree. You are helping me immensely with this interaction. Helping someone examine, question and clarify their thoughts - that is helping!

You really do put yourself down. I wish you could meet the wishWasNEVERborn I have met - there's a lot to like about her!

It's like me: I think my mom would be devastated when I'm gone, but I think she'll be better off without me, getting on her nerve. If your wife cares about you as much as you do, she'll never get over your suicide. It's something you're telling yourself to justify your final action. But at the end of the day, we CTB for ourselves and ourselves only.
And forgive me for saying it, but yeah, you love your wife, but you'd prefer traveling for sure. And no need to feel ashamed about it, if you do. Traveling could really help you

If I'm not selfish, then why do I hurt people close to me?
I'm not trying to be humble and whatever. I know myself from head to toes. I know exactly who I am. I fancy the idea I'm not a monster, but I can be called it comparing to some people. But compared to killers, I'm not so bad)))

you can call me Irene btw))

 

[usernameNotFound]

Your thoughts on suicide are very real and valid. Be honest with yourself and it will help you work through things. People will tell us we are faking it until we are actually successful at killing ourselves and they will say "I wish they talked to me about it first!"

 

[A_miStake_of_NATURE]

Your thoughts on suicide are very real and valid. Be honest with yourself and it will help you work through things. People will tell us we are faking it until we are actually successful at killing ourselves and they will say "I wish they talked to me about it first!"

Thank you for your opinion.
I'm not trying to work things out or persuade anyone, I'm jut trying to work on a courage to end it all. But at the same time I'm still doubtful about being really suicidal. It's been months and I'm still here, and courage is nowhere to be found, while others just do it, without thinking too much. Why can't I be one of those people?!)))
Cheers))

 

[heraclitus]

It's like me: I think my mom would be devastated when I'm gone, but I think she'll be better off without me, getting on her nerve. If your wife cares about you as much as you do, she'll never get over your suicide. It's something you're telling yourself to justify your final action. But at the end of the day, we CTB for ourselves and ourselves only.
And forgive me for saying it, but yeah, you love your wife, but you'd prefer traveling for sure. And no need to feel ashamed about it, if you do. Traveling could really help you

If I'm not selfish, then why do I hurt people close to me?
I'm not trying to be humble and whatever. I know myself from head to toes. I know exactly who I am. I fancy the idea I'm not a monster, but I can be called it comparing to some people. But compared to killers, I'm not so bad)))

you can call me Irene btw))

Hi Irene - I'm Michael

"I think she'll be better off without me, getting on her nerve." is exactly right. Maybe I am trying to justify sefishness, I don't know. You always make excellent points and ask incisive questions - don't ever apologise.

Truth is I'd like my wife and I (she's older than I) to have travelled together everywhere but she wasn't ready. Seeing other places, other cultures frees me. If we hadn't met, I would have ended up (I think) living in France or Germany - I've never let go of thregret that didn't happen. You make the best of what you live, though, don't you?

"If I'm not selfish, then why do I hurt people close to me?" They feel helpless to help you. Not your fault.

"I fancy the idea I'm not a monster, but I can be called it comparing to some people. But compared to killers, I'm not so bad)))". Comparisons are odious. I think you are warm, caring, intelligent, gifted - a delightful person.

Stay safe!

 

[A_miStake_of_NATURE]

Hi Irene - I'm Michael

"I think she'll be better off without me, getting on her nerve." is exactly right. Maybe I am trying to justify sefishness, I don't know. You always make excellent points and ask incisive questions - don't ever apologise.

Truth is I'd like my wife and I (she's older than I) to have travelled together everywhere but she wasn't ready. Seeing other places, other cultures frees me. If we hadn't met, I would have ended up (I think) living in France or Germany - I've never let go of thregret that didn't happen. You make the best of what you live, though, don't you?

"If I'm not selfish, then why do I hurt people close to me?" They feel helpless to help you. Not your fault.

"I fancy the idea I'm not a monster, but I can be called it comparing to some people. But compared to killers, I'm not so bad)))". Comparisons are odious. I think you are warm, caring, intelligent, gifted - a delightful person.

Stay safe!

Hey there, Michael!!

But can't you still see the world with your wife? Or if she can't come with you can you tell her you need to go on a journey from time to time to feel alive? Anyway I kinda think she'd be much better if you just left her and helped financially, then if you were dead. There's no need for sacrifice. You're your own person. You do deserve to be happy.

I think I'd like to live in New Zealand, Canada or Australia. These countries seem alright .

Germany, France, take it you can't move there with your wife? Can you still move there without? Though judging by their political position Europe is not the best place to live))) unless maybe the Benelux Countries.
I think there's a way out for you, an escape from that unpleasant act, why are you so reluctant to take it? Unless there're other reasons.

They can't help me NOW (and if by help you mean assist me CTB, no, they can't help me. There's no other help I want from them), but I've started being a bitch to them long before that. I didn't remember that, but my mom told me once after my dad's death, that when we had gone on a vacation last time with my dad, I was throwing another tantrum, and amidst that episode my father said to me: «When I die, you're really gonna regret it». Somehow his words didn't register back then, but boy was he right.

you don't like it but I can't help it. I'm not that smart, comparing to you (Mr "I know 6 languages") or Elon Musk)))) but it turns out I can be somewhat nice online. I should practice it offline, but I don't care anymore, so I remain being awful. But thank you for your kind opinion of me