if I never tried, am I really depressed and suicidal??

[heraclitus]

Hey there, Michael!!

But can't you still see the world with your wife? Or if she can't come with you can you tell her you need to go on a journey from time to time to feel alive? Anyway I kinda think she'd be much better if you just left her and helped financially, then if you were dead. There's no need for sacrifice. You're your own person. You do deserve to be happy.

I think I'd like to live in New Zealand, Canada or Australia. These countries seem alright .

Germany, France, take it you can't move there with your wife? Can you still move there without? Though judging by their political position Europe is not the best place to live))) unless maybe the Benelux Countries.
I think there's a way out for you, an escape from that unpleasant act, why are you so reluctant to take it? Unless there're other reasons.

They can't help me NOW (and if by help you mean assist me CTB, no, they can't help me. There's no other help I want from them), but I've started being a bitch to them long before that. I didn't remember that, but my mom told me once after my dad's death, that when we had gone on a vacation last time with my dad, I was throwing another tantrum, and amidst that episode my father said to me: «When I die, you're really gonna regret it». Somehow his words didn't register back then, but boy was he right.

you don't like it but I can't help it. I'm not that smart, comparing to you (Mr "I know 6 languages") or Elon Musk)))) but it turns out I can be somewhat nice online. I should practice it offline, but I don't care anymore, so I remain being awful. But thank you for your kind opinion of me

Hi Irene,

Sorry if I came across as Mr Smart. I'm not (if I was, I'd have my head on straight). My reluctance is really from not wanting to hurt my wife any more than I am now.

You have given me a LOT to think over - thank you!

Is your issue with therapy the therapy itself or you? Could you try another therapist or try another path?

Thinking about going to Uni - could you work a shitty job to pay your way? I worked to live through my degree. I really hope there's an answer - you deserve it.

Are either of us suicidal - I think maybe we are just considering options and wanting help. A bit like Sylvia Plath.

Thanks for helping me clarify my perspective.

 

[mapletree]

It just feels weird to say: "I don't want to live and I'm so miserable", when there are people with BPD, schizophrenia and more, and even they sometimes are willing to live, to fight and try not to give up.
I don't wanna live because I hate the way I look and didn't accomplish shit, but when others suffer from mental illnesses or severe traumatic experience or both and more, I feel like I should just shut up and quietly step out of the window.
but it's awful that you feel so bad. I wish assisted suicide were sanctioned by any government.

If now you're afraid to go through with this because of certain reasons, how do you know you're gonna be ready when the time comes?
But what are you doctors saying, why no meds help you???
Is it mostly financial problems, beside your mental issues, that makes you feel like at the end of your rope??
I don't want easy money. I just wish I could be good at something, so I could earn it fair and square.
about meds. Even you admitted they didn't help you. How could they help me? The only way I see it is they change they way I see myself: like "yeah, I'm ugly and is gonna have a well-deserved but shitty job, but millions of people live like that, so why can't I?"
it's good you care so much about your family so much. It's not like I don't give a damn about my mother, but I know there was a time when my Dad offered her money for abortion, and obviously she didn't do it And now I'm the one who has to deal with that mistake of hers!!!

If you start playing the "who has the worse life?" game you will always find someone who is more fucked over than you who is positive, fighting, inspirational, etc etc etc...in my mind it wasn't a useful game to play because it just made me feel more like shit and more paralyzed and spiraling and emotional rather than achieving anything concrete in any direction. I know its almost instinctual, I do the same thing and I definitely relate to you on the unattractive female past the socially defined "expiration date" thing (kidding, but not really, we all know that this is a thing), but this is your live that you have to live and just because there are people out there who suffer "more" doesn't make your suffering or pain invalid

 

[A_miStake_of_NATURE]

If you start playing the "who has the worse life?" game you will always find someone who is more fucked over than you who is positive, fighting, inspirational, etc etc etc...in my mind it wasn't a useful game to play because it just made me feel more like shit and more paralyzed and spiraling and emotional rather than achieving anything concrete in any direction. I know its almost instinctual, I do the same thing and I definitely relate to you on the unattractive female past the socially defined "expiration date" thing (kidding, but not really, we all know that this is a thing), but this is your live that you have to live and just because there are people out there who suffer "more" doesn't make your suffering or pain invalid

I get it: my feelings supposedly count too, but then you think about world hunger and poverty and again about differently disabled people (mentally or physically or both), and you know they would definitely say what a spoiled and shallow person I am, and isn't it correct? It seems that I don't value what I have.
You know what they say: "everything is learned in comparison". I used to live guided by that phrase, thinking how others struggle much more, so I should be content. Now it's not enough hence my shitty mood((((

 

[Justnotme]

I dropped out years ago. Now it's gonna take time and money to prepare for exams and to go a university path again. I don't have a particular talent or skill, so without proper education there's only shitty jobs in perspective for me. Right after dropping out I tried to find a job for people with no experience, but all in vain. Now I live off my mother, don't wanna do anything, because I'm too old to start, too ugly, too selfish, and what life has proved too dumb. I grew up in a healthy and happy family. No abusing at school or anywhere else. No PTSD. My dad's sudden death hurt like hell, but apart from that, If I have one of these low-paid jobs, I'd be living like millions of people out there. But I don't wanna do anything. Even for my mom.
I laugh from time to time, can enjoy good meal or enjoy playing with cats. I take showers. I'm not sick or in chronic pain. I even workout at home sometimes. But I don't go outside anymore, and feel extremely anxious when I have to. I see a therapist, but that's my mom's money out of the window again, though she thinks therapy will make me "snap out of it". I don't wanna live my life with that face and that body, with my age and my brains.
I never tried to kill myself, because I'm scared of the process itself, death and possible pain; afraid of ending up a vegetable.But still I wonder do I really wanna die??? I know I really don't wanna live. I think if I had money for assisted suicide I'd do it, but I don't know how to do it all by myself. I'm thinking of buying a nitrogen balloon (if they sell me one) and an oxygen mask... is it a proven way to go?

p.s. I know I'm whiny.

Привет. Я тоде из России. Приняла решение уйти из этого мира уже давно. Недавно нашла работу, с единственной целью-накопить на баллон с азотом.
Если ты ещё здесь, то скажи, пожалуйста, удалось ли тебе купит баллон с азотом, спрашивали ли тебя о чем-либо, и какой чистоты азот (в процентах) тебе удалось приобрести? (если удалось)
Извини, что я так сразу ближе к делу стала задавать вопросы.
Я просто слишком устала и у меня почти не осталось сил поддержать кого-то, даже письменно
Надеюсь, это не обидит тебя и не покажется черствым

 

[luke_skywalker]

I dropped out years ago. Now it's gonna take time and money to prepare for exams and to go a university path again. I don't have a particular talent or skill, so without proper education there's only shitty jobs in perspective for me. Right after dropping out I tried to find a job for people with no experience, but all in vain. Now I live off my mother, don't wanna do anything, because I'm too old to start, too ugly, too selfish, and what life has proved too dumb. I grew up in a healthy and happy family. No abusing at school or anywhere else. No PTSD. My dad's sudden death hurt like hell, but apart from that, If I have one of these low-paid jobs, I'd be living like millions of people out there. But I don't wanna do anything. Even for my mom.
I laugh from time to time, can enjoy good meal or enjoy playing with cats. I take showers. I'm not sick or in chronic pain. I even workout at home sometimes. But I don't go outside anymore, and feel extremely anxious when I have to. I see a therapist, but that's my mom's money out of the window again, though she thinks therapy will make me "snap out of it". I don't wanna live my life with that face and that body, with my age and my brains.
I never tried to kill myself, because I'm scared of the process itself, death and possible pain; afraid of ending up a vegetable.But still I wonder do I really wanna die??? I know I really don't wanna live. I think if I had money for assisted suicide I'd do it, but I don't know how to do it all by myself. I'm thinking of buying a nitrogen balloon (if they sell me one) and an oxygen mask... is it a proven way to go?

p.s. I know I'm whiny.

Just curiosity, Is the death of your father is the reason why you dont want to live?(or made you that started depression)