I have to stay alive to take care of my elderly mother. She's still independent (for now) but she financially depends on me, and I'll be the only able-bodied kid to care for her when she's no longer independent. I just can't bare the thought of her alone in a state nursing home possibly being abused because I ctb. If I had other responsible siblings, I would have done it years ago. She's only in her late 60s, and people in my family live a long time, so I have a long road to endure...
On the other hand, I feel like some of her mistakes as a parent are (part of) why I want to ctb, although not the sole reason. So part of me resents having to stay alive for her when I suffer partly because of her. But she didn't mean to. She's just...never been the most responsible person. Never been able to think ahead, plan ahead.
If I just had an end date, I feel like I could be at peace. But I don't. It could be 3 years from now. It could be 20 years from now. I keep praying I'll get sick and die and then it will be out of my hands. Funny, I don't really feel much guilt at the possibility of her suffering emotional pain due to my death or my suicide. I just worry about her not being taken care of.
Everyday I feel like I get more and more miserable.
On the other hand, I feel like some of her mistakes as a parent are (part of) why I want to ctb, although not the sole reason. So part of me resents having to stay alive for her when I suffer partly because of her. But she didn't mean to. She's just...never been the most responsible person. Never been able to think ahead, plan ahead.
If I just had an end date, I feel like I could be at peace. But I don't. It could be 3 years from now. It could be 20 years from now. I keep praying I'll get sick and die and then it will be out of my hands. Funny, I don't really feel much guilt at the possibility of her suffering emotional pain due to my death or my suicide. I just worry about her not being taken care of.
Everyday I feel like I get more and more miserable.
