Discussion If I had_______ ,I would choose to live

[Quarky00]

Make that 2001 for me. By god, how I wish I could experience life without chronic illness again.

I guess we're the class of the 'happy noughties' .
Sad you suffer for 20 years .

 

[CyanideSoup]

A brain transplant please.. Oh if only.

 

[Amossoma543]

Do you have any friends? You may be able to find something or someone worth living for. Setting aside your past for just a second,maybe there's that one person you'll find that makes life more worthwhile for you. Good things don't always happen when you want them to. Sometimes they just happen.


If in the future you really want kids,adopting a child would be amazing. I don't know about bringing another child into this world,but of course that's your opinion. But adopting a parentless child can make your own life feel more worthwhile. You'd have a kid,someone to care for and share your love with,while additionally saving them from a life of possible foster parents and moving place to place. Thats just my personal thought :)


Im sorry that your life is full of so much pain. But if you feel hope,maybe you shouldnt give up yet.(I'm not saying you're giving up but I can tell you're really feeling depressed maybe suicidal...)


I wish you happiness.

I love that you posted this response! As an antinatalist, I could not agree more. I did not choose to be here...and would not have chosen, if I could've seen how hard it would be. I fully support a person's right to decide this for themselves, and I also offer no judgment against anyone who has children...but I do wish they would consider changing the life of one of the HUNDREDS of thousands of children who already are alive and have nobody...before bringing another new life onto this big floating rock. There are literally thousands and thousands of children who will never, ever have an opportunity to have a permanent home or parents or a stable family. And once they reach a certain age, their path is already set in stone. It's virtually impossible to place an orphan over the age of about 10. So sad.

 

[Hel]

The person I love. Because not having him is my reason to CTB

 

[Mr2005]

Make that 2004 for me ;)

(by 2008 I was pretty catatonic)

2004 for me too. If I woke up in that year I wouldn't want to kill myself

 

[sadgirl2002]

My true love back in my life. He's the only reason I haven't ended my life yet. Everything is pushing me to suicide and he's the only one I can live for so I'm holding onto the small amount of hope I have left. It's so difficult, I really hope a miracle happens and he comes back to me. I miss him badly...

 

[Banquo501]

2004 for me too. If I woke up in that year I wouldn't want to kill myself

2004 was a great year for me too, I was 21, on top of the world and full of life.

Now, not so much.

 

[Mr2005]

^
It wasn't a great year that's the point. It was the beginning of the end.

 

[srk003]

2004 was a great year for me too, I was 21, on top of the world and full of life.

Now, not so much.

2002 for me, when I was 19. That was when things peaked for me however pathetic that may sound. I was a 'normie' as I was for the next 7 years. Ever since then, it's slowly gone down the drain.

 

[Mr2005]

I was only 17 in 2004. My problems could have been over before I turned 18. Instead I'm here. Too little, too late

 

[faust]

If I had manias again, I would choose to live. Because mania for me was a matter of huge productivity and many great experiences. Plus on mania I was not sooo tired and life seemed to offer me more and more new discoveries.

 

[voyager]

2004, hm? What a disaster. Got fired. Had nothing to eat at times. Tap water. No money. No internet. Quit smoking and drinking. Just awful.

2002? Can't remember any of it, must have been grand.

2001? The lowest point of my life, and yet one evening was one of the best I ever had. MHI/SAD fucked it up ofc, but it was so lovely meeting that girl.

No, no, kiddos (:P), 1993 is where I'd like to go back, right before my mhi and talk some sense into myself. But that's life. Sigh. Too bad we can't fix it. *hugs*

 

[Banquo501]

^
It wasn't a great year that's the point. It was the beginning of the end.

Ahh sorry, I misread your post.

 

[Lostandfound7]

I take one second at a time to get through the day.... putting one foot in front of the other.

U r amazing...what will that takes..I have met some of the most broken, STRONGEST ppl on this site..luv u guys so much

 

[arposandra]

A partner.

 

[Lostandfound7]

Make that 2004 for me ;)

(by 2008 I was pretty catatonic)

Yeah health is def a biggie here..

A partner.

Yes companionship is so necessary..loneliness is a bitch..r u actively trying to meet someone?

2004, hm? What a disaster. Got fired. Had nothing to eat at times. Tap water. No money. No internet. Quit smoking and drinking. Just awful.

2002? Can't remember any of it, must have been grand.

2001? The lowest point of my life, and yet one evening was one of the best I ever had. MHI/SAD fucked it up ofc, but it was so lovely meeting that girl.

No, no, kiddos (:P), 1993 is where I'd like to go back, right before my mhi and talk some sense into myself. But that's life. Sigh. Too bad we can't fix it. *hugs*

I would also loooove to go back to 93..I would luv to do so many things differently

2004, hm? What a disaster. Got fired. Had nothing to eat at times. Tap water. No money. No internet. Quit smoking and drinking. Just awful.

2002? Can't remember any of it, must have been grand.

2001? The lowest point of my life, and yet one evening was one of the best I ever had. MHI/SAD fucked it up ofc, but it was so lovely meeting that girl.

No, no, kiddos (:P), 1993 is where I'd like to go back, right before my mhi and talk some sense into myself. But that's life. Sigh. Too bad we can't fix it. *hugs*

I would also loooove to go back to 93..I would luv to do so many things differently

If I had manias again, I would choose to live. Because mania for me was a matter of huge productivity and many great experiences. Plus on mania I was not sooo tired and life seemed to offer me more and more new discoveries.

Hey love..What's mania?

I was only 17 in 2004. My problems could have been over before I turned 18. Instead I'm here. Too little, too late

So sorry to hear that..

2002 for me, when I was 19. That was when things peaked for me however pathetic that may sound. I was a 'normie' as I was for the next 7 years. Ever since then, it's slowly gone down the drain.

Doesn't sound pathetic..I feel the same

^
It wasn't a great year that's the point. It was the beginning of the end.

2004 was a great year for me too, I was 21, on top of the world and full of life.

Now, not so much.

21 was a great age for me too...

My true love back in my life. He's the only reason I haven't ended my life yet. Everything is pushing me to suicide and he's the only one I can live for so I'm holding onto the small amount of hope I have left. It's so difficult, I really hope a miracle happens and he comes back to me. I miss him badly...

Is it possible to "work" things out or is that totally done?

2004 for me too. If I woke up in that year I wouldn't want to kill myself

I got engaged in 04..prob should have waited a lil longer to get married

 

[Despondent]

A life

 

[Lostandfound7]

If I had good looks,money, and means of retaliation against the people who have destroyed my life , I wouldn't be suicidal anymore.

That sounds about right..

There isnt a single thing that could fix it really. I suppose a reset would work though i would have to have the mind i have now.

A brain transplant please.. Oh if only.

Oh yes!!!

A life

I love that you posted this response! As an antinatalist, I could not agree more. I did not choose to be here...and would not have chosen, if I could've seen how hard it would be. I fully support a person's right to decide this for themselves, and I also offer no judgment against anyone who has children...but I do wish they would consider changing the life of one of the HUNDREDS of thousands of children who already are alive and have nobody...before bringing another new life onto this big floating rock. There are literally thousands and thousands of children who will never, ever have an opportunity to have a permanent home or parents or a stable family. And once they reach a certain age, their path is already set in stone. It's virtually impossible to place an orphan over the age of about 10. So sad.

Yes it is very sad..they just end up being a part of the system then kicked to the streets when they turn 18..smh

Only if the gf came back from the dead. That's not gonna happen, and there's nothing else that's going to keep me here.

I'm so sorry

Enough money to not have to work and to be able to pay my large (for me) debts. I would still be depressed and regretful over 'lost' years, but having money would mean I'd be lucky enough not to go to some shit job 40-50 hours a week to pay creditors and rent etc. I had to move back in with my parents recently. As it is I'll probably be working until I die, which is my fault. I could also be fired in the near future which might mean bankruptcy. I've got no friends really anymore, and haven't had a relationship in over 15 years. I'm a good example of a middle aged loser. I would probably withdraw from most of the world, maybe go travelling very occasionally. I'd just indulge in immature/consumption habits such as gaming as well as surfing the internet and maybe reading again (too stressed/can't concentrate for that atm) in peace.

I'd also hopefully reduce my heavy drink and light drug use, coping mechanisms, to better my appearance and get in shape, I tend to look unhealthy and don't like looking in the mirror and hide from all photographs, although I've never really liked the way I look. For example, my body looks like shit too, despite not being overweight. Get on testosterone maybe and maybe even see a hooker afterwards. Mid life crisis mode. I'm already in my mid-late 30s so I've got older years to contend with and if I felt like CTB I could do that at some later if needs be.

Or a time machine.

All of this is all pie in the sky thinking and escape fantasies. Maybe nothing would change.

$$$ will def help "erase" many, but not all, of our problems, for many of us..

Enough money to not have to work and to be able to pay my large (for me) debts. I would still be depressed and regretful over 'lost' years, but having money would mean I'd be lucky enough not to go to some shit job 40-50 hours a week to pay creditors and rent etc. I had to move back in with my parents recently. As it is I'll probably be working until I die, which is my fault. I could also be fired in the near future which might mean bankruptcy. I've got no friends really anymore, and haven't had a relationship in over 15 years. I'm a good example of a middle aged loser. I would probably withdraw from most of the world, maybe go travelling very occasionally. I'd just indulge in immature/consumption habits such as gaming as well as surfing the internet and maybe reading again (too stressed/can't concentrate for that atm) in peace.

I'd also hopefully reduce my heavy drink and light drug use, coping mechanisms, to better my appearance and get in shape, I tend to look unhealthy and don't like looking in the mirror and hide from all photographs, although I've never really liked the way I look. For example, my body looks like shit too, despite not being overweight. Get on testosterone maybe and maybe even see a hooker afterwards. Mid life crisis mode. I'm already in my mid-late 30s so I've got older years to contend with and if I felt like CTB I could do that at some later if needs be.

Or a time machine.

All of this is all pie in the sky thinking and escape fantasies. Maybe nothing would change.

I second u on the time machine..oh how I would do thing diff next time around...

My prime looks(I use to be drop dead gorgeous) back and longer youth so I could do it again. With a sincere loving relationship with a man . Yea it sounds shallow but it would help me not to want to ctb just a lil longer

It's not shallow honey..

A billion dollars.

Yesssssssss!!!!!$$$$$$

If I had 70k € ,I would choose to live. That's how life is.

Thats an interesting amount...

 

[waterbottleman]

If I had a million dollars I'd choose to stay alive.

Id invest my million dollars in dividend growth stocks aiming for a dividend yield of 3 to 3.5 percent and go retire to Thailand. That would give me a yearly income of 30 to 35 thousand dollars a year which is enough to live comfortably in Thailand.

 

[S1mpleme]

Family.

 

[Passersby]

Health! My original body and mind. . Mr. 2005 said something about being able to go back to 2004. i can relate if I could go back to 2004 then no I wouldn't be ctb cause 2004 was great for me. At this point all we got it to A- live out the rest of our lives until our natural death or B- Terminate the process early.

 

[DoNotLet2]

close friends who care about me and talk to me and spend time with me

 

[randomz]

If I had a job that makes me happy and I which I actually enjoy, I would choose to live. Turns out, if you spend 10 hours a day in a place which you hate, doing things you hate and doing them not good (=being desirvengly yelled at that you screw up things on a daily basis even though you are trying to feel better and combating extreme anxiety and depression) could have a devastating effect on your will to keep living.

 

[notjustyetagain]

a permanent state of unconsciousness without using resources to keep me alive. guess that's not possible with a physical substrate. doesn't matter how happy or content i might be, i'm just not a fan of consciousness, period -- it's an absurd prison.

 

[Lostandfound7]

If I had a million dollars I'd choose to stay alive.

Id invest my million dollars in dividend growth stocks aiming for a dividend yield of 3 to 3.5 percent and go retire to Thailand. That would give me a yearly income of 30 to 35 thousand dollars a year which is enough to live comfortably in Thailand.

Sounds like a good plan..u could prob live like a king with that kind of $$$ there..

a permanent state of unconsciousness without using resources to keep me alive. guess that's not possible with a physical substrate. doesn't matter how happy or content i might be, i'm just not a fan of consciousness, period -- it's an absurd prison.

Wow that's deep...

If I had a job that makes me happy and I which I actually enjoy, I would choose to live. Turns out, if you spend 10 hours a day in a place which you hate, doing things you hate and doing them not good (=being desirvengly yelled at that you screw up things on a daily basis even though you are trying to feel better and combating extreme anxiety and depression) could have a devastating effect on your will to keep living.

Def not a good situation..I'm sorry

 

[faust]

@Lostandfound7 In a few words, it is a state of a very good mood, high energy and sometimes euphoria which is typical to those who have bipolar. With mania (more likely to be hypomania) you can get some very nice surprises like you don't have to sleep much, you do not get tired and it seems that there are no limits for you. I did not have much of drawbacks, but sometimes you can get annoyed easily, if mania is severe can be psychosis and many other unpleasant things

 

[BearNoMore]

Two things would stop me:
The love of my life taking me back.
-or-
Enough money to maintain a relaxed lifestyle filled with travel (which has always been my biggest passion).

I saw someone mentioned "looks" earlier in the thread. I don't want to be dismissive in any way, but I have been very successful in dating in my life due to looks and having a bodybuilder physique and it in no way made me feel better about my anxiety, my traumas, or my ideation. If anything, it has made me feel worse much of the time because it has been the thing most frequently commented on and valued and it is sort of dehumanizing and minimizing.

The grass is always greener I suppose.

 

[faust]

Two things would stop me:
The love of my life taking me back.
-or-
Enough money to maintain a relaxed lifestyle filled with travel (which has always been my biggest passion).

I saw someone mentioned "looks" earlier in the thread. I don't want to be dismissive in any way, but I have been very successful in dating in my life due to looks and having a bodybuilder physique and it in no way made me feel better about my anxiety, my traumas, or my ideation. If anything, it has made me feel worse much of the time because it has been the thing most frequently commented on and valued and it is sort of dehumanizing and minimizing.

The grass is always greener I suppose.

If your priority would be traveling, there is no need in having much money. Hitchhiking + tent + a small guitar/ukulele reduce expenditures significantly. Some people even manage to start their journey with zero cash. The other thing is if you are used to traveling with comfort, then it will require much more. Which way of world exploration would you choose?

 

[Nyanpasuu]

Money to pay for surgeries so that I can transition and support from my family and friends.
I hate that since I came out, almost all the people I knew, even the ones that I considered my closest friends, turned their back on me, now I'm all alone

 

[BearNoMore]

If your priority would be traveling, there is no need in having much money. Hitchhiking + tent + a small guitar/ukulele reduce expenditures significantly. Some people even manage to start their journey with zero cash. The other thing is if you are used to traveling with comfort, then it will require much more. Which way of world exploration would you choose?

This may seem silly to other people, but fitness and nutrition have been a core component of my life the last 8 years (I am 27) and that has made my travel more based on comfort. I don't actively compete in competitions, but would consider myself a bodybuilder. The discipline, structure, and health benefits of it have honestly been part of what has allowed me to keep fighting this long.

That limits my options pretty severely. I would have limited nutrition options on a budget and not have access to gyms (sure I could run and do calisthenics and things but it's not the same). That has been what has held me back from traveling on a budget with camping and/or hostels and living off cheap local foods and such. I'd go from working out for an hour and a half with equipment and eating a very specific diet to no equipment and relying on what was available and cost effective.

Maybe it's worth giving up that aspect of my life and trying to travel that way to see it provides me more fulfillment. I just don't know if I can give that up or if I would feel okay if I did.