Venting If I had tried harder…

[sotomie]

I've never been good at anything. Not enough to be remembered anyway. There's always someone better. Someone who knows where they're heading while I'm still standing at the same place. When people ask me what do I want to do for my future, I tell them that I'm figuring things out. I have been figuring things out for too long..

I keep thinking about my younger self. I should've studied harder.. I shouldn't have gotten that tattoo.. I should've been more disciplined, more ambitious, more something.. I should've done this and that..

I don't know what I want from life. I say things like "I'm taking it one day at a time" because that's what people say when they don't have answers. The truth is I have never known what kind of future I wanted. Everyone else is building something and I'm just trying not to lose what little I have.

It's tiring to constantly become the person everyone tells you that you can be, especially it's coming from your own family.
"We have spent so much money for your education, you should've worked somewhere better. At least be like your sibling"
"You could've gotten a better boyfriend"
"Look at XX's daughter, she went abroad on a full-ride scholarship"
"Look at YY, she got married with a rich foreigner and living abroad"
So on and so forth… Every fucking damn day.

My parents keep telling me that I'm an investment. I keep score of every meal they paid for, every opportunity I wasted, every disappointment I have become. The numbers never stop growing.

When people ask me why I don't cut them off, I don't know what to tell them. I can't do it simply because I love them.

I have failed to fulfill my duty as a daughter. I can't do this anymore.

 

[PugnaEnjoyer2137]

I don't think there is any duty to fulfill as a child. You didn't ask to be brought into this world, if that makes you feel any better. There's duty as a parent for sure.
I understand, and can relate but there isn't much truth to that, that you, or any other person, as a child, is an investment. I'm really sorry your family makes you feel like an asset.

 

[Aflame5926]

you silly goose.

you need to be egocentric. Fuck what other says about you.

failing in this sense as a daughter is a lie your mind made up. even if they say it in your face.
it doesn't matter.

what you need is a thicker skins and say screw the rest. I DONT CARE I JUST LIFE

but it sounds you need to try to move away from your family or w/e its making those noises. its just getting toxic.

i think if you remove all those noise from your environment you will be fine.

all this is easier said then done

try to look for something that can help you improve. like an online course or something. something that you can enjoy it and learn.

but welcome to the big family of SaSu tho

 

[KilledByUSG]

:(

 

[sotomie]

I don't think there is any duty to fulfill as a child. You didn't ask to be brought into this world, if that makes you feel any better. There's duty as a parent for sure.
I understand, and can relate but there isn't much truth to that, that you, or any other person, as a child, is an investment. I'm really sorry your family makes you feel like an asset.

Part of me hates my parents for bringing me into this world and expecting me to become someone worthy of it. I hate that I was born carrying expectations I never agreed to. I hate that they taught me that my value is measured by what I can give back. But another part of me hates myself for becoming exactly what I am because at some point, I stopped being a child. My failures belong to me too. It's conflicting and frustrating.

you silly goose.

you need to be egocentric. Fuck what other says about you.

failing in this sense as a daughter is a lie your mind made up. even if they say it in your face.
it doesn't matter.

what you need is a thicker skins and say screw the rest. I DONT CARE I JUST LIFE

but it sounds you need to try to move away from your family or w/e its making those noises. its just getting toxic.

i think if you remove all those noise from your environment you will be fine.

all this is easier said then done

try to look for something that can help you improve. like an online course or something. something that you can enjoy it and learn.

but welcome to the big family of SaSu tho

Thank you for your kind words

I know my environment isn't helping. I know there are people and expectations in my life that I should have left behind years ago. But I don't think they're solely responsible for what I am. I made choices too. I chose comfort over uncertainty more times than I can count. I became passive because it was easier and eventually passivity became my personality. But yes, maybe I'll give it more time to figure out.

 

[PugnaEnjoyer2137]

Part of me hates my parents for bringing me into this world and expecting me to become someone worthy of it. I hate that I was born carrying expectations I never agreed to. I hate that they taught me that my value is measured by what I can give back. But another part of me hates myself for becoming exactly what I am because at some point, I stopped being a child. My failures belong to me too. It's conflicting and frustrating.


Thank you for your kind words

I know my environment isn't helping. I know there are people and expectations in my life that I should have left behind years ago. But I don't think they're solely responsible for what I am. I made choices too. I chose comfort over uncertainty more times than I can count. I became passive because it was easier and eventually passivity became my personality. But yes, maybe I'll give it more time to figure out.

Only expectations worthy of fulfilling, are the ones you bestow upon yourself. I understand self hatred, however life is only (if ever) worth living, for yourself and the things that bring you joy, or that you love. Not for the things bestowed upon you without your consent.

I guess the biggest problem with recovery and getting better is that after a lot of time has passed, while you're in the dump with seemingly nobody helping you, you get used to sadness and loneliness, because those feelings are there always for you, in a way.
And I guess we are hardwired to more often than not to choose what we are already comfortable with, even if it harms us. Don't get yourself hard time over that.

 

[sotomie]

Only expectations worthy of fulfilling, are the ones you bestow upon yourself. I understand self hatred, however life is only (if ever) worth living, for yourself and the things that bring you joy, or that you love. Not for the things bestowed upon you without your consent.

I guess the biggest problem with recovery and getting better is that after a lot of time has passed, while you're in the dump with seemingly nobody helping you, you get used to sadness and loneliness, because those feelings are there always for you, in a way.
And I guess we are hardwired to more often than not to choose what we are already comfortable with, even if it harms us. Don't get yourself hard time over that.

I'm not even sure there's enough of me left underneath all of that to call it a person. Expectations should only come from myself, but what happens when I have none? What happens when there isn't some hidden ambition waiting to be discovered? I feel like people always assume that underneath depression or self-hatred is a happier, more passionate version of yourself waiting to come, but here is none for me.

It's true that sadness becomes comfortable after a while. Not because I enjoy it, but because at least it's familiar. I guess it's because I have stopped trying. I had a failed attempt 10 years ago and was in recovery for a long time. But I have no more financial resources or the means to redo it. The happiest moments of my life was temporary and my sadness and self-loathing have never been late. Death is the solution for me.

I'm sorry if I sound like I have a doomer mentality, which probably am. But this is the things I couldn't say to others without the risk of getting sanctioned again.

 

[PugnaEnjoyer2137]

I'm not even sure there's enough of me left underneath all of that to call it a person. Expectations should only come from myself, but what happens when I have none? What happens when there isn't some hidden ambition waiting to be discovered? I feel like people always assume that underneath depression or self-hatred is a happier, more passionate version of yourself waiting to come, but here is none for me.

It's true that sadness becomes comfortable after a while. Not because I enjoy it, but because at least it's familiar. I guess it's because I have stopped trying. I had a failed attempt 10 years ago and was in recovery for a long time. But I have no more financial resources or the means to redo it. The happiest moments of my life was temporary and my sadness and self-loathing have never been late. Death is the solution for me.

I'm sorry if I sound like I have a doomer mentality, which probably am. But this is the things I couldn't say to others without the risk of getting sanctioned again.

I can belive that your journey and pain you've had to go through changed you as a person, but you're still a human that shouldn't feel and be treated like you do. I'm not saying that death isn't a solution for you, that's something only you and yourself can decide, or that things will magically improve, but no one deserves to be suffering by just living.
Expectation to cease suffering is also an expectation, and considering how difficult it is, to either improve your life or to CTB, I would still say it's quite ambitious.

I understand sadness being familiar, and I can relate, that's why I mentioned it. I hope you can be at peace, in whatever way possible.

I don't think anyone will judge you here for being a doomer. This is a place for disturbed.

 

[100memoryleaks]

I don't think there is any duty to fulfill as a child. You didn't ask to be brought into this world, if that makes you feel any better. There's duty as a parent for sure.
I understand, and can relate but there isn't much truth to that, that you, or any other person, as a child, is an investment. I'm really sorry your family makes you feel like an asset.

yo just wanna say, cool disco elysium avatar :,D it's an awesome game (and also i relate way too much to harry)