Wooshe
Member
- Mar 14, 2023
- 5
This is going to be a long one so sorry in advance. Also, I'll try to re-read this so I can make sure it's actually digestible. But here I go.
I want to kind give hope. Or at least some inside into how I made the void smaller. And I hope this can help some Poples get better if they want to.
I don't know how long or how old I was, but I think I was 18 and it was about 12:00 AM when I ran out of smokes. But since I was underage, so I had to take
a 30m drive to a gas station that knows me and lets me buy anything. And I remember I just got sick of sound. And just wanted some silence. So, I turned.
off my radio and just looked down the road. And my mind started to go into the past. And I guess I went into the void. The place that seemed so empty
and so lost, like a black whole. And I remembered my dog. I remembered the night my mom told me it was time to put him down. For once I clearly remembered what happened.
I was sitting on the couch when I told her to fuck off and I ran upstairs to cry in my bed. It was late so when I saw her walk back my door to her room, I went to see my dog.
Who was still laying on the floor downstairs Infront of the TV. At this time, I didn't remember what happened next. It was a blur the only thing I did know was I was holding him and crying.
The next day she asked if I wanted to come and say goodbye. I told her to get the fuck away from me and once again rain to my room. And when she came back, I still vividly remember seeing her.
holding his collar at the door. But as I was driving my mind turned on me. I started to think about what happened to him. How was he feeling? Was he looking for me? And... I started to truly cry; it was like a damn that finally broke. And I started to realize how much of a piece of shit I was when I was a kid... I started to imagen him laying on a cold steel bed with his chain scrapping the edges. He was probably scared looking for me.... surrounded by strangers. And at this point I couldn't stop thinking, how would I feel if that happened to me? If I was laying in the hospital bed about to die and my mom didn't show up if my grandfather didn't show up. I would be so angary and scared and sad. I just couldn't stop screaming I'm sorry. As if I could yell loud enough, he could hear me in Hevan and see how much I love him. But then I realized that when I overdosed, I didn't see anything there was nothing. There is nothing in the afterlife. They're for whenever you die those will be your last thoughts and feelings forever. I just couldn't take it... I remember cleaning myself up and going inside the gas station and buying 2 packs of Newport's and the cheap ass big bottle of vodka you know the one with the indent for handles on the side. And drove home. I made a lot of realizations that day. But what I felt in that car will hunt me for the rest of my life. I felt like I was in deep space, Weightless but shackled by the deep gravity of regret and realization. It was like the space suit was suffocating me.
For about 2 years I started to contemplate. Just trying to convince myself that he HAD to know I love him, right? He had to know. He had too... And after about two years I came to many realizations.
One of them was because I remembered this, I finally started to recall more of my childhood and past. The way that when I was 5 and my mom's boyfriend would beat me for not eating brokerly.
And I remembered after he did, he yelled at my mom and kicked us out again. I remember it was 2 am. And even though I had cuts and burses all I cared about was making my mom feel better. I hugged her in that car. And told her she was beautiful, and we are going to be okay. I was her rock. I finally remembered the way I treaded my dog... The way I would through my backpack to the side to hug him with all my might. And kiss him. The way we would play and the way I would bark at him to get him all hypered up. The way he would lay with me in bed and the way I would place things on the ground for him to hop up on when he got too old. The way he would lay on my lap and smack me with his head to prevent me from cutting my wrist. The way I would cry with him when I was overwhelmed with the urge to kill myself. and I finally remembered what happened that night. I was scratching his back and told him how much I loved him... And I felt it again that same feeling I felt when I was in the car. it wasn't nice it didn't feel like the weight has been lifted. But I did realize it was for the best I didn't go. Because knowing him he wouldn't care about himself. He would use all of his straight to make me feel better like I did with my mom. I realized that all the times I attempted suicide I wanted to be alone. Because I know my mom would try to stop me and even though. At the time I hated her, I still loved her and didn't want her to find my body.
I went to bed that same night and had a dream. I still remember it so clearly. it was golden hour, and I was in the middle of a road. Most of the trees have lost all of its leaves but the sun made the ground look like a wheat field. Everything looks golden and pure. I started to walk down that road. I saw a cabin with a balcony. silhouetted by what looked like a lake with heavy fog in the distance. I walked to the front door and for once I felt like I belonged. I opened it and, it was a get together. Everyone I ever lost was their... Friends, family. Enven people I didn't know. A man walked up to me and said there are some people waiting for you upstairs. Now I realized it was my father, who I haven't seen not once before. I walked up the stairs and turned around.
Just past the sliding glass doors was my grandfather... I ran to him and hugged him. He did what he always does after everyone one of my games before cancer took him from me. He gave me a side hug and squeezed me. patting my shoulder 3 times. Before saying he missed me. And behind me the sound of pitter patter of his feet against the wood. The same sound my dog would make after I got off of school. it was him. But younger and his tail was wagging so hard he could start flying at any moment. He lifted his front legs and licked my face. I was happy and just hugged him and told him I loved him. We all sat down on that porch and walked. I'm so used to hearing silence because most of my family is dead. But just hearing chatter in the distance and hearing people laughing just completed me. There was no more screaming no more crying, no more sounds of broken class or door hinges being snapped. We talked all day. But when the sun sets. he told me I had to go. And when I went out to the side, I saw the lake and a single boat. I got on, and the boat started to row, into the mist. As the mist was covering my vising, I just remember putting my hand out as if I was grabbing some string. And I woke up. But I felt better.
TLDR: I told you I came to realize a lot about myself and to hope to give some advice to anyone willing to hear. so here it is
I believe we try too hard to fill the empty void. But I now believe the void is not empty but full. it grows because you brain is using it as a vault to protect yourself.
To get rid of the void you can't ignore it you can't fill it. You have to go inside and empty it.
I was told when I was younger to be careful because when you stare into the abyss, the abyss stares back at you. But I don't think it's the abyss staring back at you. It's you that was left behind. The part of you that your mind felt necessary to leave behind. But it just doesn't take the bad memorizes it takes everything associated with it. The bad the ugly and the good.
I forgot how well I treaded him. How much I loved him and still do. it took away everything and now I have it back.
YOU ARE Insistent until proven guilty. I had many reasons to continue to hate myself I can still think of a few. But you have to be brutally honest with yourself. at the end of the day, I was a kid. I didn't fully understand what it meant to die. If I could, I would go back and be with him in his final moments. I know now in my heart that he knew how much I loved him by how I treaded him.
Have courage to give yourself the shadow of the Dout. To love yourself, to be patient with yourself. I think everyone here has a hard life. So why not be the person that gives you love and compassion, that you may or may not deserve.
To become a better person, you have to realize how much of a monster you are. I made a lot of mistakes in the past that I didn't realize just how much it would hurt other people. But now that I know I was able to go back and try to fix some when I still can. And now I got called a loyal friend that kept his promise of coming back. (Another story if you want).
At the end of the day, I became a better person. I walked through the fire that I created and came out a way better person. I find myself being less angry and have more compassion for others.
although I don't really feel better. I do feel like I have just another reason to keep on living. To prove to myself that I am a better person, that I can be better and no matter what I am trying my best.
one last tip, I guess. For people losing loved one or a dog. I know I can be hard to have to go and see them die. But if you can't go for you go for them. Because as I start to ask myself questions I start to realize that my regrets are not from actions I took. But from the actions I didn't take.
I want to kind give hope. Or at least some inside into how I made the void smaller. And I hope this can help some Poples get better if they want to.
I don't know how long or how old I was, but I think I was 18 and it was about 12:00 AM when I ran out of smokes. But since I was underage, so I had to take
a 30m drive to a gas station that knows me and lets me buy anything. And I remember I just got sick of sound. And just wanted some silence. So, I turned.
off my radio and just looked down the road. And my mind started to go into the past. And I guess I went into the void. The place that seemed so empty
and so lost, like a black whole. And I remembered my dog. I remembered the night my mom told me it was time to put him down. For once I clearly remembered what happened.
I was sitting on the couch when I told her to fuck off and I ran upstairs to cry in my bed. It was late so when I saw her walk back my door to her room, I went to see my dog.
Who was still laying on the floor downstairs Infront of the TV. At this time, I didn't remember what happened next. It was a blur the only thing I did know was I was holding him and crying.
The next day she asked if I wanted to come and say goodbye. I told her to get the fuck away from me and once again rain to my room. And when she came back, I still vividly remember seeing her.
holding his collar at the door. But as I was driving my mind turned on me. I started to think about what happened to him. How was he feeling? Was he looking for me? And... I started to truly cry; it was like a damn that finally broke. And I started to realize how much of a piece of shit I was when I was a kid... I started to imagen him laying on a cold steel bed with his chain scrapping the edges. He was probably scared looking for me.... surrounded by strangers. And at this point I couldn't stop thinking, how would I feel if that happened to me? If I was laying in the hospital bed about to die and my mom didn't show up if my grandfather didn't show up. I would be so angary and scared and sad. I just couldn't stop screaming I'm sorry. As if I could yell loud enough, he could hear me in Hevan and see how much I love him. But then I realized that when I overdosed, I didn't see anything there was nothing. There is nothing in the afterlife. They're for whenever you die those will be your last thoughts and feelings forever. I just couldn't take it... I remember cleaning myself up and going inside the gas station and buying 2 packs of Newport's and the cheap ass big bottle of vodka you know the one with the indent for handles on the side. And drove home. I made a lot of realizations that day. But what I felt in that car will hunt me for the rest of my life. I felt like I was in deep space, Weightless but shackled by the deep gravity of regret and realization. It was like the space suit was suffocating me.
For about 2 years I started to contemplate. Just trying to convince myself that he HAD to know I love him, right? He had to know. He had too... And after about two years I came to many realizations.
One of them was because I remembered this, I finally started to recall more of my childhood and past. The way that when I was 5 and my mom's boyfriend would beat me for not eating brokerly.
And I remembered after he did, he yelled at my mom and kicked us out again. I remember it was 2 am. And even though I had cuts and burses all I cared about was making my mom feel better. I hugged her in that car. And told her she was beautiful, and we are going to be okay. I was her rock. I finally remembered the way I treaded my dog... The way I would through my backpack to the side to hug him with all my might. And kiss him. The way we would play and the way I would bark at him to get him all hypered up. The way he would lay with me in bed and the way I would place things on the ground for him to hop up on when he got too old. The way he would lay on my lap and smack me with his head to prevent me from cutting my wrist. The way I would cry with him when I was overwhelmed with the urge to kill myself. and I finally remembered what happened that night. I was scratching his back and told him how much I loved him... And I felt it again that same feeling I felt when I was in the car. it wasn't nice it didn't feel like the weight has been lifted. But I did realize it was for the best I didn't go. Because knowing him he wouldn't care about himself. He would use all of his straight to make me feel better like I did with my mom. I realized that all the times I attempted suicide I wanted to be alone. Because I know my mom would try to stop me and even though. At the time I hated her, I still loved her and didn't want her to find my body.
I went to bed that same night and had a dream. I still remember it so clearly. it was golden hour, and I was in the middle of a road. Most of the trees have lost all of its leaves but the sun made the ground look like a wheat field. Everything looks golden and pure. I started to walk down that road. I saw a cabin with a balcony. silhouetted by what looked like a lake with heavy fog in the distance. I walked to the front door and for once I felt like I belonged. I opened it and, it was a get together. Everyone I ever lost was their... Friends, family. Enven people I didn't know. A man walked up to me and said there are some people waiting for you upstairs. Now I realized it was my father, who I haven't seen not once before. I walked up the stairs and turned around.
Just past the sliding glass doors was my grandfather... I ran to him and hugged him. He did what he always does after everyone one of my games before cancer took him from me. He gave me a side hug and squeezed me. patting my shoulder 3 times. Before saying he missed me. And behind me the sound of pitter patter of his feet against the wood. The same sound my dog would make after I got off of school. it was him. But younger and his tail was wagging so hard he could start flying at any moment. He lifted his front legs and licked my face. I was happy and just hugged him and told him I loved him. We all sat down on that porch and walked. I'm so used to hearing silence because most of my family is dead. But just hearing chatter in the distance and hearing people laughing just completed me. There was no more screaming no more crying, no more sounds of broken class or door hinges being snapped. We talked all day. But when the sun sets. he told me I had to go. And when I went out to the side, I saw the lake and a single boat. I got on, and the boat started to row, into the mist. As the mist was covering my vising, I just remember putting my hand out as if I was grabbing some string. And I woke up. But I felt better.
TLDR: I told you I came to realize a lot about myself and to hope to give some advice to anyone willing to hear. so here it is
I believe we try too hard to fill the empty void. But I now believe the void is not empty but full. it grows because you brain is using it as a vault to protect yourself.
To get rid of the void you can't ignore it you can't fill it. You have to go inside and empty it.
I was told when I was younger to be careful because when you stare into the abyss, the abyss stares back at you. But I don't think it's the abyss staring back at you. It's you that was left behind. The part of you that your mind felt necessary to leave behind. But it just doesn't take the bad memorizes it takes everything associated with it. The bad the ugly and the good.
I forgot how well I treaded him. How much I loved him and still do. it took away everything and now I have it back.
YOU ARE Insistent until proven guilty. I had many reasons to continue to hate myself I can still think of a few. But you have to be brutally honest with yourself. at the end of the day, I was a kid. I didn't fully understand what it meant to die. If I could, I would go back and be with him in his final moments. I know now in my heart that he knew how much I loved him by how I treaded him.
Have courage to give yourself the shadow of the Dout. To love yourself, to be patient with yourself. I think everyone here has a hard life. So why not be the person that gives you love and compassion, that you may or may not deserve.
To become a better person, you have to realize how much of a monster you are. I made a lot of mistakes in the past that I didn't realize just how much it would hurt other people. But now that I know I was able to go back and try to fix some when I still can. And now I got called a loyal friend that kept his promise of coming back. (Another story if you want).
At the end of the day, I became a better person. I walked through the fire that I created and came out a way better person. I find myself being less angry and have more compassion for others.
although I don't really feel better. I do feel like I have just another reason to keep on living. To prove to myself that I am a better person, that I can be better and no matter what I am trying my best.
one last tip, I guess. For people losing loved one or a dog. I know I can be hard to have to go and see them die. But if you can't go for you go for them. Because as I start to ask myself questions I start to realize that my regrets are not from actions I took. But from the actions I didn't take.
