Venting IDK Why can't I CTB? Why must I be so weak

[lost_one]

I hate myself so much, I hate my life so much! Death is the only thing that I want and that supposedly I should be able to achieve, but no I am weak... Why can't I end my miserable existence? I am so tired.

I try, I really try, maybe not as hard as I should, but I try, but there is always a night, where it's too much, and I just want to end things. Like once a month. And it's so frustration, cause I know I don't have what it takes...either to live, get better or to die. I am so useless. God I hate myself, so much.

 

[Infinitespace_]

And that's the problem you cannot escape from yourself

 

[tanshakti]

I hate myself so much, I hate my life so much! Death is the only thing that I want and that supposedly I should be able to achieve, but no I am weak... Why can't I end my miserable existence? I am so tired.

I try, I really try, maybe not as hard as I should, but I try, but there is always a night, where it's too much, and I just want to end things. Like once a month. And it's so frustration, cause I know I don't have what it takes...either to live, get better or to die. I am so useless. God I hate myself, so much.

You are not alone in this. We are fighting Life and death --its a war and its the toughest of all battles and some days we will lose these battles along the way. but learn from each defeat and hopefully path will become clearer, everyday i fall , suffer and it makes me resolute and determined that i want death on my terms and it has to be assured and quick-failure is not an option

 

[MyDeath88]

Survival instinct can destroy any plan you have, even if you are entirely steadfast in your decision, even if you've prepared weeks in advance. Getting better is something undefined and abstract. Sometimes it's hard or even impossible to imagine yourself as a "better" version, so how are you even supposed to get there? And even if you could, how would you even begin to get there, when the energy you desperately need is depleted from your being? Similarly, you need to be in a certain mindset to enjoy life. Yes the sun can shine brightly and the trees can sway beautifully, it doesn't change the fact that you're looking at the world through your mind, and your mind is ravaging itself like a cancer, and now the world suddenly looks like one too. You're not weak for not being able to move forward. I'm stuck in limbo too, and I've been so for a long time. It's hard just being here. You're not weak, I hope you internalize that.

 

[Terrible_Life]

I hate myself so much, I hate my life so much! Death is the only thing that I want and that supposedly I should be able to achieve, but no I am weak... Why can't I end my miserable existence? I am so tired.

I try, I really try, maybe not as hard as I should, but I try, but there is always a night, where it's too much, and I just want to end things. Like once a month. And it's so frustration, cause I know I don't have what it takes...either to live, get better or to die. I am so useless. God I hate myself, so much.

You are not weak! Its a primitive instinct that everyone has and that is survival instinct. A famous suicidal analyst once wrote that this instinct will become weaker the more the suicidal person suffers until the person had suffered so much that he/she will commit suicide without any fear because the person realized that without suffering their misery will continue as long as they live

 

[Kadaver]

I feel the same way. I don't know why I keep going; I can see no happy future for myself. I want to die. I just want this to be over. But I can't make myself do what needs to be done to make it happen. I know that I'm basically hopeless, I think this is just what I am

I'm tired of being useless. I'm tired of being a burden on everyone around me. I'm so tired of my emotions. I just want it to end. I want to free myself from who I am

 

[Terrible_Life]

You are not weak! Its a primitive instinct that everyone has and that is survival instinct. A famous suicidal analyst once wrote that this instinct will become weaker the more the suicidal person suffers until the person had suffered so much that he/she will commit suicide without any fear because the person realized that without commiting suicide their misery will continue as long as they live

 

[wham311]

I'm with ya. Hoping it gets better for us.

 

[lastmoon]

Same. After taking paroxetine I now suffer from brain fog and anhedonia (inability to experience pleasure or enjoyment from activities that are typically pleasurable). I haven´t felt any type of happiness or joy since december 2023, I have been depressed my whole life tho. Anyway, I now have my SN but it can´t make the stupid decision. Today I´ve finished my note explaining myself to my family. Life sucks and I´m 100% embarassed of being a 31 y/o adult with no carreer and no job, plus extremely depressed. Life will get no better for me because I don´t want a little job ( i tried and couldn't find one either), or a stupid carreer, I know nothing will make me happy. Hating myself for not being able to end my life for good.

 

[OldDude]

You're not alone, I battle for years now. It's what us all keeps here. Maybe some peace of hope, that battle with the side telling us it will not get better. It's all but not weakness.